No Light At The End Of This Tunnel

So it has been a pretty tough month. Literally almost every aspect of my life has taken a hit. Financially, emotionally, physically, socially. I feel stretched thin and I can hear the tearing inside. And the worst thing is, knowing it is not going to be recovered any time soon.

My ACL is torn. I have been dreading getting surgery and when I saw the doctor he said I might be able to avoid it. Now I am moving about with a might impressive brace. Yes, I get a seat on all the subways and buses. It really does not make up for moving everywhere slowly, off balance and in pain. A constant, dull, pain. It impacts everything else I do, from waking up in the morning for a piss, to deciding to cook some food.

Speaking of cooking, I provide a delivery service for other teachers in the area. Walking around with an ajumma cart full of food in one hand and a walking stick in the other., I feel the deliveries are definitely negatively impacting my knee injury. However, I need some form of relaxation. Making food, even chopping onions is so much fun. But having to stand up with a busted knee, move around even in a cramped Korean kitchen, is not pleasurable.

So I don't deliver right now. This means I lose a massive amount of my customer base. I am reduced to going to places where I know people will be in large groups. That's okay, since it fits my business model of avoiding transport costs. However, now I am carrying around more food,which of course is no good for my frickin knee. Having so much less money of course adds to my money worries. I worked out that if I have the surgery I will be paying back over 5 Million won whilst paying rent and utilities. That's such a huge number I almost want to vomit.

Really the worst part of this is how everyone reacts to the situation. I don't want pity. I want respect. I am currently with someone who loves me. My friends like me. I just don't feel respected. A good friend made the joke of me being a 'lovable fuck up' and it really hurt. I guess I am overly sensitive right now. Usually I have a thick skin. I can laugh and joke with the best of them. Right now with everything else happeninmg, I think would rather get run over by a bus and go into a six month coma.

Okay. Time for some positive reinforcement.

I got a job. I got a boss who is good to me. I got great kids in my classroom and a superb TA. I have running water and a warm house. I have clean clothes and a wide selection of cooking books. I have good friends. They want only good things for me. Those that do not respect me...well, fuck. I don't need everyone's respect. I have a woman who considers me her rock and I feel the same for her. We grouse and grumble but we get over it.

I will get over this. This is just transient.<----is that right? It's temporary.

No light at the end of the tunnel. However, I have the knowledge I am in the tunnel and that there will be light at some point. Push, push push.

Thoughts?