No Light At The End Of This Tunnel

So it has been a pretty tough month. Literally almost every aspect of my life has taken a hit. Financially, emotionally, physically, socially. I feel stretched thin and I can hear the tearing inside. And the worst thing is, knowing it is not going to be recovered any time soon.

My ACL is torn. I have been dreading getting surgery and when I saw the doctor he said I might be able to avoid it. Now I am moving about with a might impressive brace. Yes, I get a seat on all the subways and buses. It really does not make up for moving everywhere slowly, off balance and in pain. A constant, dull, pain. It impacts everything else I do, from waking up in the morning for a piss, to deciding to cook some food.

Speaking of cooking, I provide a delivery service for other teachers in the area. Walking around with an ajumma cart full of food in one hand and a walking stick in the other., I feel the deliveries are definitely negatively impacting my knee injury. However, I need some form of relaxation. Making food, even chopping onions is so much fun. But having to stand up with a busted knee, move around even in a cramped Korean kitchen, is not pleasurable.

So I don't deliver right now. This means I lose a massive amount of my customer base. I am reduced to going to places where I know people will be in large groups. That's okay, since it fits my business model of avoiding transport costs. However, now I am carrying around more food,which of course is no good for my frickin knee. Having so much less money of course adds to my money worries. I worked out that if I have the surgery I will be paying back over 5 Million won whilst paying rent and utilities. That's such a huge number I almost want to vomit.

Really the worst part of this is how everyone reacts to the situation. I don't want pity. I want respect. I am currently with someone who loves me. My friends like me. I just don't feel respected. A good friend made the joke of me being a 'lovable fuck up' and it really hurt. I guess I am overly sensitive right now. Usually I have a thick skin. I can laugh and joke with the best of them. Right now with everything else happeninmg, I think would rather get run over by a bus and go into a six month coma.

Okay. Time for some positive reinforcement.

I got a job. I got a boss who is good to me. I got great kids in my classroom and a superb TA. I have running water and a warm house. I have clean clothes and a wide selection of cooking books. I have good friends. They want only good things for me. Those that do not respect me...well, fuck. I don't need everyone's respect. I have a woman who considers me her rock and I feel the same for her. We grouse and grumble but we get over it.

I will get over this. This is just transient.<----is that right? It's temporary.

No light at the end of the tunnel. However, I have the knowledge I am in the tunnel and that there will be light at some point. Push, push push.

Thoughts?

A Bad Day Spiral.

Some days really suck. You are in the middle of your pay schedule so you do not have a lot of funds and you have far, far too long to the next pay cheque. You know you should not be living pay cheque to pay cheque and you castigate yourself over that because you are not the offspring of your responsible parents.  You are halfway through the teaching schedule for Winter Camp and the combination of sleep deprivation, mismanaged course schedules and kids high on life has you going slightly crazy.  And you have other shit going on. Deep, mysterious shit no one else could possibly understand nor process more successfully than you.

Life is super tough.

You go through the day picking at all the things going wrong for you. The bus did not wait for you. You were too heavy for the building lift and were unceremoniously kicked out by a grumpy ajumma. Your co worker is all sweetness and light then tells you she wants you to make a test for the class in the enxt ten minutes. Your phone falls into a cup of coffee. A kid kicks you in the shins. The subway charges your passcard twice for the same journey. Your friends and family seem to have got their entire act together and you don't even know your lines half the time. People getting engaged, married, having kids, buying houses, being *successful*. And you are not.

Well now hang on a minute.

You have a job. You have a house. You are eminently employable. You have friends. You have family. You have food in the fridge. You have clothes. You have heating and light. You're not doing too bad.

This day is like any other. Yes, some bad stuff happened. You missed that bus but another one will come along soon. Your co worker may have trouble explaining when you have to do things. Your levels of preparedness are increasing even as we speak and you certainly should not get stressed over their mistake. Yes, Winter Camp is hard for some people. Yes, Mid month is  shitty time, especially after Xmas and New Year's.  But you are going to make it. You always do.

I have a busted knee and thought I was going to have no way of paying for it. My school has since set me up with insurance and I have a charitable benfactor to help me out. My school has been super lovely to me and it is going to all work out. Something happens. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, that thing has to be from you, and that is the hardest thing. Digging deep, finding the energy to fix your situation. Finding the ability to ask for help when you normally would not. FInding the skill to act indepeneedntly when you normally wouldn't.

However, your problem is solved, you know it will not be the end of your world. It will, in time, be a footnote. So do not let it get you down. This, like eveyrthing else, will pass.

But seriously, some days really do suck.

Email Transcripts Between A Robot and its New Hagwan Boss

Do's and Don't Of Summertime

When contemplating the summertime, people in Korea relish the opportunity to, you know, really do something with their weekends. And when it comes to weekend activities Korea is Instagrammingly awesome.  As ever, with these moments there is a right way and a wrong way.  And, as ever, I have lists these impeccably.  Honestly, at this stage of the game I am nailing it harder than a hammer. A Hebrew Hammer, if you will.

Ha, remember when I did sports? No, me neither.

Going to a Sports Event

Do -  at this stage all the ex pat leagues have shut down, are shutting down or should be shut down.  Not permanently guys, just until next season. Luckily Daegu's bevy of sports franchises mean you can go to a game and watch professionals play the game you play, albeit with maybe a little less style or alcohol.

Unless this guy comes back from the dead.

Me and my friends.

An action shot of said sporting event.

Book your seats in advance, budget time and money, and you are almost guaranteed great memories that will be best expressed by facebooking endless photos of you and your friends' faces in some kind of stadium over and over and over again. Make sure to include one fuzzy image of said sportsman doing nothing in particular.  Now all your friends will be jealous.  

Don't- As  far as you are concerned, these overpaid hacks are embarrassing the noble game of baskbaseultisoftballs you have been championing for the last however many Sundays it took for you to lose in the first round playoffs to that bullshit team made up of probable semi pros who grew up together inventing the game.

Cue a joke about Chris Keeler and Paul Groba getting angry.

 As your combination of rage, depression, loss and sense of victimization swirl together in a cocktail of sweaty shitty beer and sweatier, shittier soju, remember this.  You are a paying fan, and paying fans are expected, nay obligated to tell players how, why and when they suck. Combine this with good acoustics, lack of English being spoken and small crowd turnout, you can really get inside that foreign player's head. Take the time to google everything about him and remind him of his failures as a husband/lover/student/mariachi, as well as reminding him his career has almost certainly not ended up the way he hoped.   The tears, they will taste so good.

So, so good.

Hiking - 

Do- check the weather on this one. Dress appropriately. Bear in mind snakes happen after rain.  I assume because the raindrops allow them to go freestyling down the slopes.  I don't know.  I hate snakes.

Look at that evil bastard.

Anyway, go early, so you really enjoy those views of tiny cities, or farmland.  Take photos, to prove you are totally into this thing.  Health, or whatever.  I don't know. Health, snakes, same same. Make sure you see that giant Buddha/stone/monastery.  Yep, holy introverts went out of their way to plant that shit right out if the way.  So you better find them and take pics. Holy pics.

"Seriously, is this guy just going film us praying? Because I need to fart and the bubbles are bad enough...."

 Oh, and take food and drink.  Do not be the guy in the group who 'forgets' and makes everyone give one bite of their food.  It is awkward for everyone.  I apologize again to the Apsan Tour of 2011. 

Don't -  This hiking seems to be like walking. Walking upwards through trees.  It doesn't seem that hard.  Step things up a notch.  Get to the mountain a day earlier than everyone else. As we all know, hiking is strictly set between certain hours probably.  Rig the mountain with just the right amount of landmines. Pay one class of middle school children to don war paint and teach them how to use bows and arrows.

Obviously not this bitch. She just hides. Like a bitch.

Release a crazy dude with a chainsaw and a motion tracker.  Any of these are good. However, whatever you do, wait until your friends are halfway up before you tell them your game changing plan. At the end of the day, as you shiver in a combination of fear and exposure, hiding next to the last monk standing in the shell of a burned out monastery, remember this.  It's not hiking if no-one dies.  I learned that from Predator. 

Should have stayed in Office, Dude-anator.

Going to Seoul 

Do - Don't.  

Don't - Do. 

You're welcome.

Enjoying Some Culture

Do - oh my days, Korea is full of culture.  And I'm not talking that Frasier Crane, sniff but don't swallow malarkey either.im talking soju wine tasting, bull fighting, herbs and medicine, mask making hootenannies.  I'm just saying rednecks and Koreans are probably related. And doing each other
 

Pictured, Evidence.

.  Enjoy doing the cheesy, rural bumpkin stuff. What are you, too good for a hay cart ride? You're probably from London, aren't you?  Or New York.  Or somewhere else where your heart has died. Well, compare fifteen different ginseng infusions and tell me your soul did not just leap up for joy.  

Every single person in this pic is living the dream, people.

Don't - approach Korean culture the same way you approach a crazy old lady. Open arms, smiling, yet be cautiously aware she could have a brick in her handbag. In fact, approach like you ARE a crazy old lady.  

Nailed it. And by it, I mean two out of three of these got some Hebrew Hammering. The chick said no.

These ladies seem to get deals and discounts and front of the line privileges.  I say dress up like one and enjoy your day out, first class Gangnam style. A moment for my writing as I reference such clichéd tedium. Allow your inner ajumma out.  Elbow anyone you like, especially, and this is the best part, other ajummas.

AJUMMA FIGHT! My money is on the garishly dressed one.

Get first dibs on the fairground rides. Refuse to pay for anything shouting "He stole my money!" and point at literally anyone. Finally, insist on getting someone else to give up their seat.  In the bathroom.  

ENJOY YOUR SUMMER!

Thoughts inside my student's head

"Good afternoon teacher!"

Oh man, I hate myself.  I am such a phony.  Every single way that statement could be taken is a lie.  I'm not having a good afternoon at all. I wish I could just be honest with him.  Oh no, he's asking what day is it today. I don't know, David Teacher, if that's even your real name. I DON'T KNOW.  I know it's a simple exercise. I get what you're saying. Please don't repeat the question.  Everyone's staring at me.  I have been up since five this morning just crushing my brain with endless lists and rote repetition. I don't even know what ideas are my own and what has been implanted. Now you want me to bring in sequential time period ordering?  You're an asshole.  Okay, calm down. It's either a Tuesday or a Friday.  Today, Mom cried over her rice because the Soju had not been cleared up. Friday then. 

"Friday, teacher."

Yeah, yeah yeah. Don't you give me your bullshit congratulations.  Just walk on, fat man.  Oh man, what time is it? It must be time to go home soon.  Forty three more minutes?! Noooooooo!  This can't be right.  It might not be.  The clock looks blurry.  Hell, everything looks blurry. Four hours sleep a day makes light tracers around everything.  Soooo pretty.  

Homework time, huh? You are one sick bastard, David "teacher". It's one thing to make me listen to your voice on MY computer in MY house during MY time.  It's messed up that you're talking about things you like to do in your free time. I accept you are all about the cruel and unusual.  But making me mark my own work in class? You're a dick, dude.  Straight up douchenozzle. So no, no I will not call out the answers with you.  This is not a game. This is not a team sport. 'We' are not a team.  You are not my captain.  You're the enemy. I'd kill you if I thought you had a soul.  

Oh thank whatever religion my parents are into.  It's over.  Now we just have to relax and wait for the bell to... Thirty five more minutes!? How did this not end? Why does Time and Space hate me so much? 

Okay. This is awkward.  Polar Bear Teacher is looking at me and smiling.  What do you want, you foreigner? Wow, am I ... Racist.  Nononono, I can't be. I'm Korean.  Koreans can't be racist. That's just good science. What does he want?  I will express my confusion at the situation and ask if be could repeat the question.  

"Teacher?"

Nailed it.  He's talking again. Gah.  This guy and his words.  Read the passage? What passage,dude?  I don't even have my book open. Do I have my book? Yes, there it is.   Time to look industrious.  Open the book and we're turning pages and we're turning pages and there's the last page and we're turning back and we're turning back and we're looking at my neighbor's book and we're turning to that page and done. Made it. How do you like them apples, huh, teacher? Huh? On the right page and everything.  

What? You want me to read now? I just turned to the right page. Fine.  Work me to death.  Come on neighbor point to where we are.  Dependable neighbor. Ok' Reliable. I hate you, neighbor.  

"Before bed, he enjoys taking a stroll, reading a book and watching television."

What the hell am I reading? Seriously, what are we reading? Is the teacher self promoting? Well done for having so much time free to walk around, read a book and watch TV.  You have us in a classroom, it's a beautiful day and boasting about how awesome your life is.  That's bullshit.  And everyone else is just reading it?  Open your eyes, people! He's  toying with us!  

Oh, a question to answer. What would you like to do in your free time? Pretty ignorant question if you ask me.  Which you did. Man, that answer space looks huge. What is that four, five lines?  Hang on, would.   I see. They are asking what would I do if had free time? Well, at least they acknowledge I have no free time.  That's something.  Man what would I do?  If i had free time? That's  a huge question.  Fly a dragon right into this academy, have my reptile monster tear you limb from limb, teacher.  Eat an ice cream as my neighbor screamed and laugh as his face was covered in filthy foreigner blood.  Invent a time in the day when everyone has to stop moving and just hum and the whole world joins in and the sound leaves the atmosphere and aliens hear us and realize that finally, true human unification has occurred and we are ready for them to give us the next evolutionary leap.  Sigh. Express that in four or five lines.  Unlikely. Here we go.  Yeah.  That will work.  Fat Boy Teacher is looking at you. He must want your answer.  

"Sleep."

Good enough. 

Man, I sure hope life after kindergarten gets easier.  

Sick In Korea? HAHAHAHAHA!

So here is an interesting thing that happened to me a couple of years ago. After I went to my second ever TKD class in Daegu I came home with a slight twinge in my side. Well, I say a slight twinge. I mean like someone used a dull garden hoe to hack my stomach muscle to one side. I woke up and stumbled over to the other side of the room. My girlfriend who has fears relating to my nocturnal habits makes it clear I should not urinate on that site of the bedroom.

"David! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

When I make it clear I am holding my side and not something else she is of course empathetic to the situation and we make plans to see a doctor. Remember, I'm a nightwalker so I woke up at midday thinking that was bloody early. Of course with no doctor working 12-2 I found myself forced to go to work at 2. The nest twelve hours were agony. Walking from class to class, standing up through each class, my stomach was worse and worse. So 12 hours later with 12 hours of ever increasing pain I finally check into Kyoungpook University Emergency Hospital. The staff were friendly, helpful and I was diagnosed and medicated and made a slightly poorer man within three hours. I am not going totell you what I had. It was a thing goshdarnit and I was not happy. Yes, I am a tease.


Today's column is not about the hospital trip, although the man next to me clearly planned the hospital equivalent of the Dine and Dash and his attempt to remove his own IV and run out holding onto the blood coming out of his arm is a fun story.

"As you as you turn your back, I'm outta here."
"No, no you're not."
"I'll cut you."
"No, no you won't."

No; the crux of my story is this.The next day I wanted to take off. I was on medication, my side still hurt and I had not had enough sleep what with being in hospital all night. But this is Korea and short of having a government issued pandemic warning slapped on my bottom, I was going to have to go to work. Some of you don't have this problem because you work for such glorious institutes who have floater teachers and can cover you if you do fall ill. Readers, you can spot these people by their smug expressions whilst reading this column. If you can, give them a slap from me and try to convey in the connection just how jealous you are. Because you know you are. I know I am.

That's my hagwan, checking out Moon Khang's floaters.

When you phone up a hagwan and you declare yourself to be ill, of course they have the right to be suspicious. After all, we foreigners are well known as lazy drinking oafs who will take a sick day due to hangover at the drop of a hat. Did the dripping sarcasm make it through the type font? Of course they would want us to go to the doctor if we are sick. How do we know if we're throwing up feeling feverish or cannot stand up without collapsing? Again, not from alcohol poisoning but from genuine sickness. Again with the dripping sarcasm.

"Yes, that is the appropriate amount of sarcasm, Glaven."

Well back to my story. I had a doctor's note and I phoned my boss and told him I was taking the day off. He agreed after a stonewalling I am still proud of years later. He said he would come over that night to check on me. I assume this is because I may have been needing some help and not because he had a doctor's qualification. I mean, if he did,  he would be able to see if I was lying to him. The next day I came into work. All my Korean co-teachers were glad to see me. They expressed amazement  I came into work. They were delightful. My boss comes in and says literally; "Don't do that again." Do what? Get sick? Rip my abdominal muscle? Did he believe I did it on purpose? Why would I do that? It was a disappointing experience but at least I know if my boss is ever sick from Ebola, he did it just to spite me and because he doesn't care about kids.

"Kanye, George Bush is completely NEUTRAL to children. You just can't say that!"

A quick moment here. Let's check your contract rules. EFL Law suggest that 3 sick days be written in to your contract. If it is not in your contract your life is difficult. If you DO have that written in, look at the number of employees. If you got less than ten workers in your school, again a lot of the laws governing labor in this country go out the window.  So, let's start with you working at a larger hagwan and and you have Sick Leave written in your contract.  Your school is probably not going to just let you have a sick day. They will harangue you. They will hound you. They will in a word bully you.

But, you know, less subtly than this.

Look, in Korea they have the work ethic of showing up to work sneezing all over the place and making everyone else sick as well. If you don't have blood coming out of you at a vast rate, they don't care. If everyone else gets sick as well, they don't care. If all the kids get sick as a result, they don't care. By they, I mean the bad TEFL bosses. Not the evil ones, just the short term thinking pompous asses.

Less this.                    More this.

So you're going to have to work sick sometimes. I suggest the following. If you are genuinely sick, if you genuinely cannot move, if you genuinely believe you need the time off work, if you can get a doctor to agree with you, then go right ahead. Just know you are going to face an uphill battle.

What happens when you take time off for being sick. In Hell .

Let's finish the story. I was treated badly by that hagwan. I went to a new hagwan. When I was sick at that place, they said I should see a doctor and take the day off work. No worries no hassle. They just made me make up the hours anther day..Which, you know what? Fair enough. It could have been a lot, lot worse.

The Day And The Night

The world is split.  Man and Woman. Young and old. Rich and poor.  Us and them.  You and me.  In Korea the teacher crew is split in one distinct line.  Day walkers and  Night walkers. 

Regardless if wrong for this blog, this would be a fun battle. For about five seconds.

EPIKers, kindergarten and university types own the sun.  They keep hours our parents can understand, even if they can't understand time zone differences.  They wake up along with most of the Korean nation and sometimes go to sleep earlier than they ever did in their adult life.

How I sometimes imagine EPIK deskwarming could be.

The night walking shuffling masses of the hagwan arena rarely open their eyes fully before three in the afternoon. They might be walking around, they may make conversation but trust me, they are rarely conscious before their fifth cup of coffee.  And when they go home they think nothing of eating dinner at one in the morning.  And seeing the wrong side of sunrise is a regular occurrence. On a Wednesday night.

Thursday Morning. Like a boss.

To each tribe, the other is alien. Making friends across this divide is fraught with peril.  And, yes, trusted reader, I hear your inner monologue murmuring dissent. "Alien? Fraught? Where does he get off, making it seem like it's worse than a Capulet-Montague kegger. If the Montagues were old money and the Capulets were Jews."

Juliet! You COWARD!

First off turn off that inner monologue.  It has no place here. Second, hear me out.  Friendships start out easy enough. You meet at a bar downtown, or an event, or a sports 'thing'. I don't know how you make friends.
You hit it off finding you have just so much in common. You share interests and goals and visions.  You finish your platonic night together and walk off happily, knowing you just made a new friend. 

As Brian left Russell that night, he never realized he had just been Friendzoned.

However, you find that during the week it's like you are missing out on their social life.  Facebook trawling lets you see that they are doing things ( curse them!) without you. Day Walkers have the option here to at least have a late night. Staying out until two in the morning is a big deal if you are up at seven the next day. Night Walkers do not get that. At all. Two in the morning is equivalent to their happy hour. That is when things start to happen.  Going home to sleep is almost like, I don't know, giving up. 

Man, girls are just dicks to their sleepy friends.

And for a Night walker to get together with a Day walker is practically impossible. By the time Day Walkers finish work, Night Walkers are in the middle of their work day. Planning a lunch together takes military precision that even Camp Walker would find impressive. And even then it is only a scant moment together before the daywalker heads back into the work camps.

"Please stay a little longer." "Dude, BOUNDARIES!"

So, I issue this warning. When you meet your weekend friends, love them dearly. Just accept that for almost 72% of your time in Korea, you cannot hang out. And if that is not good enough for you, you should stick to your own time zone. 

Math is key to Friendship.Ask anybody. Anybody.

Then again, that is still infinity% more time than you can spend with your friends and family back home. So maybe I should just shut the hell up.