YOU DON'T NEED ....to make friends

First day of school, what is the most important thing a kid thinks about? It's not education, or the passage of childhood. It's not worries about teachers, or homework, or even losing your school uniform. I tell what it is. 

Making friends.

Kids want to make friends. They want to go up to a person, find a thing you like about them and base a relationship on that thing. And that thing can be utterly ridiculous. Bros become bros because when you were both seven, you like dinosaurs, or the colour purple, or purple dinosaurs, or the movie The Colour Purple. Maybe not that last one. Kids don't care. They want to connect, they want to interact, they want to express themselves. 

And if you're not friends with anyone? 

What do you do when you don't make friends? What happens when you look around as the dust settles on the first few months of school, and you realize you are not paired off, you're not part of a group of bestest buddies? You shrug your shoulders and figure "it will come." Your parents worry, putting more pressure on you to make friends. Your siblings think you're a freak for wanting to hang out with them and their friends. They made the effort, they reason, so they should reap the reward. Besides, who wants to hang out with a younger sibling? In front of their friends? Not many. So, pressure grows ....

And grows....

And you have a birthday party and your parents invite everyone in your class because they know you don't have any friends. So now you're the guy who has a giant swimming pool party with some awesome octopus slide in the Centre, and your school friends show, and they have fun, and they leave, and no one wants to talk to you on the playground. Nothing changed.

And you have another party and your father asks you who you want to come, and you look around and realise you kinda have no problem with one dude, so you go to watch Dick Tracy at the movies, and he has fun, but you know he thinks it weird that you asked him to do something with you. He won't talk to you for a month on the playground, just to be sure..

And this goes on and on and on. School, university, work. You're the guy who packs his own lunch, and eats it in the corner table alone. The other chairs at the table get taken by people who want to sit down at other tables away from you, loud, garrulous people whose opinion of their opinion is often worth far more than their actual opinion. Your desk is nothing more than a hurdle for their voices to be thrown over. Your very corporeal presence gets treated as part of the furniture. Worse, since furniture is used, appreciated, owned by these people. You ever see how vital a stress ball is to a person's daily well-being? You wish you were that stressball. Meanwhile, you're on the phone trying to do work, or look busy, as these apparently fellow human beings are shouting to each other over your desk, into your space, through your soul, about how great it is going to be to get shitfaced at the local pub. Of course you're not invited. It's not even that you're not invited. It's that they don't consider you a viable DNA strain.

And you feel sad, and lonely, and hateful, and hated, and worse.

Stop.

You don't need to make friends.

What is that, anyway? Making friends? Making? Like we are going to build a friendship together? Then I am making a friendship. Make a friend?  No, a friend is already there. Make someone to be suitable, shape them, mold them, they end up being something different to the thing you saw before. There is talk in relationships of finding a fixer-upper and changing them. One, no you can't. Two, even if you could, why would that changed being want anything to do with you? Or, why would you want anything to do with them? Make something, it changes it from what it was before. There are no guarantees the final result is is worth it.

I'm not saying that you're perfect, or awesome, or even okay. You're probably massively flawed, with either a G-d complex, or a clinging need, or you smell. You're pretty awful, really. And that's great. I guarantee you someone out there wants those things in their life and at this very moment they wish they knew someone who is not just like you, but actually you.  And yes, nine billion people, or a tiny backwoods village. The numbers are not in your favour to find them. 

However, if they do find you, it would behoove you to be yourself. If they are going to be your friend, if they are in the for the long haul, if they are going to hang out and do things with you, even if that thing is playing golf, or watching movies, or drinking coffee and quietly draw the girl from accounts that haunts your dreams, I they are going to do those things, it is probably better that they accept you, warts and all.

Make a social circle if you want, make an effort to put yourself out there. Make a blog, or a JDate page, or a Tumblr account. Make nice with the fools in your office, if only to one day improve your opportunity. Make sense of your life, if you really, really have to. But don't make friends. They should come ready assembled.

The Reality. Of Gaming With Friends

Playing games is an integral part of our society. It allows for interaction in a field where real life does not need to intrude. Escapism , imagination, action, competition, co operation, validation, these are what people look for when they play games. And that's fine to a degree. My problem is when you game with the same people again and again.

Let's compare. I'm have two groups of friends with whom I play games. 

One group are RPGers. There are maybe ten of them and so there is an ever changing field. The games played are varied, from Board games like Settlers and Rummikub, to D&D style engines, like Apocalypse and Blades in the Dark.. Everyone is up for a new game and everyone encourages everyone to take a lead. They are huge nerds and are proud of it.

The other group is a small group which doesn't change. The games played are either Munchkin, Goldenye, Pokemon Stadium, or Mario Kart. The game dictates who will play, since players refuse to play anything other than the game they like. Also there is very clearly a group of winners and losers within that group. They are huge nerds and are proud of it. 

A larger variety of games is one thing. Being able to use my mind instead of relying on hand eye coordination is another. Playing games where losing is not a thing versus losing is a thing is yet another. No one likes losing, and I am not that big a fan of winning either. Winning is overrated unless there is a real world benefit. This goes back to my gambling problems. And so, my winning would have a real world consequence to my competitor. Which means, when playing with friends, they suffer when I win and I am not a big fan of that. Playing in the seance group is cool, because losing with friends is a bonding moment. I am proud to see my friend lose, suck it up, when he is obviously pissed, jog on and find some way to have fun.

My major issue is players who do not want to play games. I am talking about the player who suggests one game, and only That game. I'm talking about the player who refuses to play any other game. I'm talking about a player who owns one game, and pWns all who try to play against that person, and tells them it's okay because they are just really good at this one game. When you have someone who only wants to play one game, and it is a game at which they are dominant, there are multiple gripes I have. 

Firstly, you're limiting the player pool, so your refusal to play limits the enjoyment level of your friends. More people playing varies the texture of the game, allows people to take a break, and gives champions a chance to bow out gracefully. 

Secondly, you're dismissing the other games, thus reducing the other players' life choice values. When you say I don't play that kind of game to someone who wants to do that, it's dismissive. You're saying that you are better than that game, and therefore you are better than those people who want to play that game.

Thirdly, when you dominate one game and you only want to play that game, it suggests an id issue. You define yourself as a winner. You do not want that definition to be brought into question. When you only do things you are good at, when you shy away from things you are not the best at, you are placing yourself on a pedestal. No one gets to be on a pedestal. I regularly do things that I am not good at. I do them because I enjoy being with people, and that is more important than being the best with people. Of course that's my id, and I am recognisant of it. That's why I also try to try new things whenever I can. It led me to roleplaying, which I am so thankful for. It led me to sports I would never have played otherwise. Softball and Ultimate Frisbee both gave me a lot of pleasure. If I had never played because I could not be the best, or in the high percentile of great players within a small pool, then I would have missed out on becoming a more rounded human being. I would have stunted my growth within and without. 

Losing sucks, but only for a while. Winning all the time is fun, but only for a while. Try new things, especially when suggested by your friends. They're suggesting them for a reason and if they're your friends, it is probably a valid reason.

The Lamest Addiction

I have a problem.  I gamble too much.  It's been debilitating and its nearly ended my relationship with the woman I love. Friends are surprised she stayed with me; many have confessed to her that they wouldn't.  Thank you for the support guys.  

I have not gambled now for 100 days. It is a big deal for me.  I am slowly changing the algorithm on my YouTube preferences from wsop poker show reruns to Tales from the River Cottage cooking shows.  My nights end with TV shows, not free roll tourneys.  My life is more boring yet a lot more fulfilling.  

My friends have been supportive. They are completely against me gambling, except of course, for some gamblers.  However their support structure has shown me something key.  

Gambling is not a sexy addiction.  

When I tell people I stopped gambling, the overwhelming response was 'good! Gambling's stupid, pass the chicken.' My friends eat a lot of chicken.  

Imagine that response if I said I had an addiction to crack.  'Yeah, yeah, whatever, crack.  Shut up and pass the lamb chops.'   In this alterniverse my friends dig lamb. 

It's the Assumption I'm alright. The assumption that a decision has been made and that everything is done with.  You wouldn't think that of an alcoholic or a smoker.  You wouldn't think a meth head will be fine to be left alone with cash on a Friday night and make responsible decisions. 

So why is gambling put in this boat?  It's not sexy.  It's not substance abuse.  It doesn't damage your body, unless you count pulling all nighters at the casino as a thing.  It's a dude losing his money.  It's silly, it's harmless, it's fun.  

It's sporting.  Poker made a bid to be counted in the next Olympics which is o course hilarious.  But TV spots and sporting personality sponsorship deals has conferred a legitimacy to a game where statistically, 98% of online cash belongs in 1% of the players' pockets.  

It's a dream.  Getting something for nothing. And yes, most players are out for a jolly good time and they know they are never going to land a big score, they know they will probably dust off their cash in their wallet. But there's the thought of five 7s lining up, of hitting pocket jacks on flopped trip aces and winning a Bad Beat Jackpot, of winning it all.  

So when you tell these people you're not good with gambling, that you have a problem with it, they see it skewed.  They see it through their eyes.  They think you had a bad run, or are having gambler's remorse.  The fact is, I could go on a winning spree online playing tournaments and not sleep until the cash games took it all away again.  

My friends think I'm 'good' at poker. Some of them think I'm 'bad' at poker.  I think cards and chips mean nothing to me at the table. It is purely the rush of playing.  It's all I crave and win or lose, I want more and more.  

One drink is anathema to alcoholics, one more hit a bullshit line for a crackhead. So when I say to my friends I quit gambling, why do they ask me when the next game is? Keeping lighters in the house can be all a smoker needs to start up again, why are my friends chatting about their winning sessions in the casino to me? 

I thank everyone for the support. Lets keep this train rolling.  By the way, wsop started again this year.  I am not watching it. I'm not listening to the four different podcasts available for it.  Poker rats and full tilt remain off my computer and iPhone.  My wsop cigar ashtray has mysteriously disappeared and my friend's poker chips are with another friend.  

I'll probably slip at some point.  That's statistics.  But until I do, I'll just keep playing games of crazy eights, asshole, beer pong and of course Ne'er Ever have I ever. 

 Peace.