The Lamest Addiction

I have a problem.  I gamble too much.  It's been debilitating and its nearly ended my relationship with the woman I love. Friends are surprised she stayed with me; many have confessed to her that they wouldn't.  Thank you for the support guys.  

I have not gambled now for 100 days. It is a big deal for me.  I am slowly changing the algorithm on my YouTube preferences from wsop poker show reruns to Tales from the River Cottage cooking shows.  My nights end with TV shows, not free roll tourneys.  My life is more boring yet a lot more fulfilling.  

My friends have been supportive. They are completely against me gambling, except of course, for some gamblers.  However their support structure has shown me something key.  

Gambling is not a sexy addiction.  

When I tell people I stopped gambling, the overwhelming response was 'good! Gambling's stupid, pass the chicken.' My friends eat a lot of chicken.  

Imagine that response if I said I had an addiction to crack.  'Yeah, yeah, whatever, crack.  Shut up and pass the lamb chops.'   In this alterniverse my friends dig lamb. 

It's the Assumption I'm alright. The assumption that a decision has been made and that everything is done with.  You wouldn't think that of an alcoholic or a smoker.  You wouldn't think a meth head will be fine to be left alone with cash on a Friday night and make responsible decisions. 

So why is gambling put in this boat?  It's not sexy.  It's not substance abuse.  It doesn't damage your body, unless you count pulling all nighters at the casino as a thing.  It's a dude losing his money.  It's silly, it's harmless, it's fun.  

It's sporting.  Poker made a bid to be counted in the next Olympics which is o course hilarious.  But TV spots and sporting personality sponsorship deals has conferred a legitimacy to a game where statistically, 98% of online cash belongs in 1% of the players' pockets.  

It's a dream.  Getting something for nothing. And yes, most players are out for a jolly good time and they know they are never going to land a big score, they know they will probably dust off their cash in their wallet. But there's the thought of five 7s lining up, of hitting pocket jacks on flopped trip aces and winning a Bad Beat Jackpot, of winning it all.  

So when you tell these people you're not good with gambling, that you have a problem with it, they see it skewed.  They see it through their eyes.  They think you had a bad run, or are having gambler's remorse.  The fact is, I could go on a winning spree online playing tournaments and not sleep until the cash games took it all away again.  

My friends think I'm 'good' at poker. Some of them think I'm 'bad' at poker.  I think cards and chips mean nothing to me at the table. It is purely the rush of playing.  It's all I crave and win or lose, I want more and more.  

One drink is anathema to alcoholics, one more hit a bullshit line for a crackhead. So when I say to my friends I quit gambling, why do they ask me when the next game is? Keeping lighters in the house can be all a smoker needs to start up again, why are my friends chatting about their winning sessions in the casino to me? 

I thank everyone for the support. Lets keep this train rolling.  By the way, wsop started again this year.  I am not watching it. I'm not listening to the four different podcasts available for it.  Poker rats and full tilt remain off my computer and iPhone.  My wsop cigar ashtray has mysteriously disappeared and my friend's poker chips are with another friend.  

I'll probably slip at some point.  That's statistics.  But until I do, I'll just keep playing games of crazy eights, asshole, beer pong and of course Ne'er Ever have I ever. 

 Peace.  

30 Day to Sort Myself out

This posting is not like the others. It will not be written for the Cracked Humorists. It will not be full of swear words in lieu of genuine feelings. It will not have pictures. If you stumbled on this by accident hoping for another list of do's and dont's, click out. In fact, since I am mostly writing this for myself, don't judge my ability to entertain through this piece.

I am resolved to finish this blog based on the events of this past weekend. It is clear to me, I need to take a stand against a thing that has been a major problem in my life. It has consistently undermined me at every opportunity. It has led to friendships dissolving, My family and friends distancing themselves and I fear it is happening again. No, I know for a fact it is happening.

I have an addictive personality. When I was fourteen I got into Warhammer Fantyasy TABLETOP gaming. I got into it in such a way, I ended up buying blister packs until I had no money. I Had a 4,000 point Dwarf army. That is just stupid. Most battles only need 1,000 points worth of troops. I had four times as many. It happened because I could only think about what regiment I would do next. Sad on many levels.

I started smoking and never really stopped when I was fourteen as well. It got to a point where I would bike down to behind my swimming pool and smoke by myself there. I just wanted to be really good at smoking. I wanted to know all the tricks. The invert waterfall, the smoke rings, the finger flick, I wanted to be the best at smoking. People see me now without a cigar and they act surprised, even if it is on a Wednesday morning and I am on my way to class.

I started drinking when I was young enough to drink well. I always drink well. I have that under control. I am not an alcoholic. Thank goodness. That would probably end me. But the fact is, I am a liberal dirnker and that has led me to drinking too much occasion. I have suffered from alcohol poisoning. I have done stupid regrettable things. Some of those things have led to me losing friends.

So Smoking and Drinking. What's the other bugbear? This. I have an existing gambling problem and this is far worse than the other two. Drinking and smoking adversely affects others in a minor way. Gambling destroys everyone else around me. I have a gambling problem. And I don't want it anymore. There.

Gambling and general overspending of money. They have led me to not having the things I want, to not having been the places I should have gone to. So the next thirty days are going to be all about sorting that out. Because, I am not alone in this world and my actions have consequences. I have a list of goals. They are ever changing. However, no matter what they are, gambling and over spending are stopping me from achieving those goals. This might be obvious to some people. It might be obvious to everyone but me. Still, I am now at the same place as you guys.

Day One - I think being around people right now is not a good idea. I I am a social creature. I love doing what other people are doing. I love knowing what other people are doing. I love getting people to do what I am doing. However, right now, if I am going to sort myself out, I want it to be me. I want no advice. I want no morale boosting moments from friends. This has to be me doing it for myself.

To that end, I have started by removing all the poker apps on my phones. They sure make it easy to play games on the go. Or watch games in a coffee shop. I have removed all the program files from my computer. There were a lot Of different sites I would go and lose on. In the past I have deleted the files. However, this time I am going to request they block me from their site. I am sure a gambling company must have that safeguard in place for people just like me. I will make a similar call to the Daegu casino. Going to the casino should be a fun, enjoyable controllable experience. Without that last part I am not entitled the other parts. I also deleted the Facebook and messenger apps. If I don't know what my friends are doing I won't want to do them myself. It will be interesting to see how many notifications I get in a month.

In terms of spending money I am going to keep track of how much money I spend every day. In fact ill be keeping track of alcohol, smoke and money just to see where I am. Maybe keeping a record will lower my numbers as well. Regardless I have a total of 190,000 to last either seventeen days, or twenty seven days. I think the second one is feasible. I spend 2400 every day in getting to and from work. That's 37500 right there. That leaves me with 150,000 to eat with. That's 50,000 a week for food. That should be enough. Lets face it, I can stand to lose a bit of weight. Portion control and monetary control appears to be going hand in hand.

End of the first day. I'm eating the last of the turkey bacon and eggs. My friends are at the fortnightly film club I help run. I am not there with them. It sucks I am not with them but they know what I'm up to and they support me. That means a lot. They are fine friends. I'm eyeing the tuna cans and the chicken curry sachets. My stomach is grumbling.

End of Day One.
Cigars=0
Alcohol = 2 glasses of wine.
Money spent = 7,000+2,400 =9,400