Thirty Days - Day seven

Well, think about repressing something long enough, your subconscious takes it as a signal to look at it a lot.  Last night I had a poker dream. Sat down at the table with a bunch of no names in a hotel front room I sat down and played 27 pounds.  I literally played one hand which created so much ago y fir me i ended up folding. That's right even in a dream game I am a short stack loser who can't play.  Seriously folks this dream had all my chickens come home to roost.  As wolverine said they had some mighty big claws.  It had motifs from all my previous schools plus elements of theft and conning.  Waking up ashamed is not pleasant.  Still, as the lady says, don't feel shame.  Just recognize a clean break and stick to it.  

Played a board game with friends on a Saturday night.  It was complicated, it was stationary, it was fun.  It's good to remind myself having fun in a social situation doesn't need an edge of adrenalin.  I did not feel pumped up at this table like you get at the poker table.  Actually no, one time.  There's a rule in this game that if there is a tie situation, the king who is a third player makes a decision.  I had been the King the first game and crushed every one. I won it easily.  Now in the second game everyone gunned for me. I was in a tie situation and the King made his decision. He dramatically paused.  And the universe expanded in time  a choice that would benefit or hurt me. I was  99.99% to lose there was this chance.  He looked at me and my breath actually caught.  He chose the other guy and I lost the battle.  

That rush, knowing you're bound to lose but there's this chance. That's gambling. True gamblers feel nothing when they bet everything knowing they cannot lose.  Four of a kind is boring.  But putting ten cents on the line  on a half court shot? When that ball is the air? When there is a moment when something unlikely will occur? That's the essence of the rush for me.  

Day seven. Internet experts say that day seven is a low point. It's when your body hits you with cravings, needs, to have that pleasure giver reintroduced into your system.  Well, today I will not gamble.  And I'm hoping I don't gamble tomorrow.  We will see.  I certainly drank and smoke last night. I went through five rum and cokes two screwdrivers and a pitcher of beer. I had two cigars. Socialization was a thing I needed. And here I can go both ways on the whole social drinking/smoking thing.  Ill say that, for now, quitting smoking is back burners to the second half of my thirty days.