Phone Noir

Phone Noir.

The day began as ever, with hazy recollection of the night before.There had been Soju.  I knew that.  There had been shouting and finger pointing.  There was always those things with Soju.  

There had been boasting.  Manly boasting.  Big man boasting.  Anthony talking about his big brown beauty.  Nick talking about his woman and how they liked playing with her magic hole.  Jeremy and how his could light up his whole life. And I was jealous, gorram it.  Jealous like a fox.  And I said the stupidest thing ever.

"Fine.  I'll get a phone as well."

I swore I would never get a phone again, not after last time. I swore I would never go back.  I made a promise to myself, to my lady... Damn. 
 She might leave me if I got back into that world.  I walked away from all of that.  And now I was going to go back into the Lion's Den.  

I scribbled a note. "Gone shopping. Back soon."  The sin of omission weighed heavy like an Eskimo woman's nipple in the dead of winter. I pulled out my bag and felt the cold steel inside. History repeating.  I strapped the holster and checked my magazines were still oiled. 

I hate shopping for phones. 

I walked to SK towers.  I hoped I could avoid seeing him. There was enough blood poured on the pavement every day.  I did not want to add to it, one way or the other. The towers had three phone shops.  Get in, get the phone get out. Avoid the smartphones.  Avoid the contracts. Avoid getting contracted.  Avoid him. But the world has spun. The corner qook store, deserted.  The subway KTF, nothing more than whitewashed windows. The roadside LG, nothing but a pair of massage chairs left in the place. Someone had squealed. Someone ratted me out.



He knew I was coming.  He knew I was coming for a phone. 

I tried. I went to Beomeo.  I wanted to not go to that place again. I would do anything to avoid that place. I could not risk letting my inner beast unleash. I went to Dunkin and got my Cuppa Joe and a cream cheese beigel.  The girl seemed so innocent. 

"Do you know where I could buy a phone around here?"

"Oh no, sorry.  No phone stores here, David."

She knew my name.  Dammit! I felt a cold sweat, I wanted to pull the piece there and then and let hellfire take us all.  Get a grip. That's what he wants you to do.  I smiled and walked away. I looked next door where the Olleh Superstore put paid to her lies, put the punch line to his joke. 

Well, shit, two can play this game. 

I walked into the superstore and walked up to the prepay counter. The two salesmen looked at me uneasily. I looked at them hard and long like something pornographic. I sauntered over to one of the plastic desks and sat down.  I slowly ate my beigel letting crumbs fall on their floor. They looked at the floor, the ceiling, one of them even started to gorram dust the counter.  I chewed my last mouthful then stood up suddenly. They dove behind the counter. Pussies. Then again, this was never in their pay grade. They thought it would all be shiny suits and grabbing girls off the street. They didn't think I would ever be back. I thought about making an example of them. Then I remembered my mission. I wouldn't have enough bullets as it was. 

I walked to the door , my silhouette fill the room.

"Tell him I'm coming." 

______________________________________________

The subway ride was exactly as expected.  The carriage cleared as I sat down, two ajoshis staring at me from the exits. 


I stared dead ahead. History repeating.  Get the phone.  Get out. No contracts.  No 4G. No more blood than absolutely necessary. Banwoldang music playing like a bagpipe of retribution. I got up and tipped my hat to the old men. They shook their heads in amazement. 

"You crazy bastard, I hope you live," their blank gazes seemed to say.  Up into the sub mart.  Twin Ollehs marked their territory here. I knew it was futile.  I knew it was only sucking time from a vacuum.  I knew I wouldn't just do what he wanted. I walked into one and could feel the eyes from the salesmen from the other store throwing daggers. I knew I couldn't be long. My stoic outward appearance belied the manic laughter in my soul.  The monster was coming out of its cage. I approached the counter. 

"Hi, my son needs a phone.  We're looking for one of them iPhone Sixes with the Darth Vader hyperzoom big screens, bi enough to take a picture of the moon at scale. It's gotta have retina control, remote control, raisin control. You hear me, I want it to control raisins!"

"Um, no English ."

"Sure, I hear ya, I hear ya.  How about one of them satellite phones? I'm talking Vietnam, drop the rain!"

The unmistakable sound of lacquered leather shoes running made me smile at the poor boy. His friends were coming to save him. Only thing, who was going to save them?

I grabbed the boy and dragged him over the counter. I dragged him out to the fountain forecourt and threw him towards his five compadres. They skidded to a stop on the tiled floor. One fell in the fountain. 

"Boys, we can do the easy way or the -" I began. 

They screamed and ran at me. I smiled. Okay then. The really easy way.  

The blood washed well enough away.  The ajummas' screams would take longer. Focus.  Just get the phone. I walked past the police station. They were closed.  Figured. They would not want to get involved in this.  Not on this day.  Not after last time. 

Phone street. Son of a bitch. My own hell cycle.  Shop after shop after shop all run by the man, an army of ill fitting shiny suits and polo shirts.  A cacophony of K-Pop.  They all walked out of their shops and they carried enough to drop King king. All this for little old me. And then he came through them.  

Damn The Man.  He smoked his skinny cigarette like a Korean movie gangster, that is to say, like a geek sucks on a strawberry milkshake. He smiled his oh so cool little smile.  "He thinks he won," I thought.  "He might be right," a thought betrayed. "You're old. You might be too old to do all this again." "Shut up, brain. I have no time for you."

"David, it is good to see old customers again." Strawberry milkshake sucking.  "I thought we agreed it would be better if you didn't come here again. You chose your phone.  How is she?"

I smiled, masking my grimace. Hiding my torment. Stuck in WiFi purgatory, a mask of perfection hiding the grim inoperative reality.  

"I want a phone.  No reason to lose anymore of your boys". 

"We have many fine Korean smartphones.  Pick one. We have great two year contracts. Do you have your alien registry card?"  The Man started to laugh.  His men started to laugh.  Dammit.  The beast was already out. Oh well. 

"I don't want your skinny breakable pieces of shit that last two hours fully charged.  I want a brick. I want a solid piece of European fashion.  I want twelve hours at ten per cent. I want to play Snake and feel the luxury.  I want a gorram Nokia 3210."

The guns slid into my palms and the weight felt so good. 

"And no contracts!"

________________________________________________

....I don't know how much time passed. Hours, minutes, seconds, microns.  All I knew as I limped away blood coagulating around my calf, the smoke tearing my eyes, the screams pinging through my ruptured ear drums, all I knew was this.  

You couldn't change the situation.  This is phone town, Jack.  

But I got my phone. 

Do's and Dont's of Eating with your Korean boss

Oh my days, the after work dinner has to be the worst experience ever. No, I'm not talking about you teachers who are besties with your boss. I'm not talking about your line manager who is Canadian or whatever. I'm talking that dreadful time, being forced to celebrate with your boss that no one got murderdeathkilled during your stupid summer/winter/random/fuck you program.

Watch it again and again. That monotony and sense of pervasive death. This is Summer Camp.

Whatever. You tried literally throwing up a lung to avoid this shindig of hell but to no avail. You're in. Now you're in a political minefield. It can go two ways. You can carefully negotiate your way across this tricky expanse, sighing and sweating the while way through. Or you can take it at a dead run, arms up like a Muppet, laughing insanely and letting the chips where they may.

The Right Way.

The Wrong Way.

 
1. Sitting down.
Do - Stand around until your boss tells you where to sit. Be happy wherever he chooses to place you. Next to the boss? Touching you in new places?  He must love you. As far from him as possible? Possibly behind a pillar? He must respect your privacy. By the door? He must not want you to overheat.In winter.

"This is my seat? Thanks Boss, You're really thinking ahead."

Don't. - Getting the party started right is essential so I say sit down right next to your boss, on his shiny ass suit if possible. Hold him close. Whisper that this is going to be a magical night neither one of you will forget. Look him in the eyes to make sure he understands. He gulps. He understands.

These guys know what I'm talking about.

2. Drinking - do not drink unless drunken to. That was the rule at my Uncle George's house and it's a good rule in Korea. Don't make a Toast. Don't drink by yourself. Don't you dare. When your boss makes a toast, wait for him to finish. You will be like a living statue on a beach promenade. When everyone else drinks, look away and drink. Use your other hand to hide your drink from your boss. This camouflage is perfect; he'll never know.

Better hidden than Wahlberg in Sniper. Better plot as well.

Don't - Order more drinks. I mean, this is a staff do, right? That whiskey ain't gonna drink itself say up there on that dusty shelf. You deserve a few shots. Plus, the school has an unlimited tab. Challenge your boss to chugging beer. Laugh when you finish and they don't. Laugh when they politely decline. When your boss makes his speech have prepared zingers in Korean to help him out. Jokes about his wife, children or mother? Perfect.

Wrong. All wrong. There's no Korean flag.

3. Pouring a new drink
Do - keep an eye on your party. If your boss has an empty glass, pick up the bottle with one hand and grip your arm with the other. Pour when he lifts his glass up. Stop when he gives the minuscule upward motion with his glass, indicating his preferred level. Put the bottle down. He is going to fill your glass up. Hold it with two hands. When you are satisfied lift it softly up. Drink if he drinks. Otherwise sit back and wonder what you would look like in a Geisha costume. I think you'd look good. 

Damn Good.

Don't. - motherf*ckers ain't s*it. These glasses are too small y'all.

That's why you brought along your baby from home. You called it The Hobbit. It's a 2000cc pint glass. That might not make sense to your boss or coworkers but they should just shut their pie holes. Beer is good. Start to insist on rubbing your boss's belly, you know, for luck.

Better luck than this guy ten seconds after the picture was taken.

 Every time you do it, you should whisper in his ear "we should have a baby". Giggle and burp. Copiously.


Ordering food
Do - depending on your Hagwon and your boss, you could have a traditional galbi, or fried chicken, or fancy stuff. Like Seahouse. Whatever happens, accept the food in your plate. You don't have to eat it all. I mean, maybe you don't need that re-sign contract after all. Get your head out of your arse and back in the game! Actually sometimes, the food will leave you. True story, one time at a fancy restaurant we got this tubeworm. Already a terrible story, I know but wait, there's more. The chef cut this thing up in front if us like a Starship Troopers science lesson and place a still moving section on all of our plates.

Me and two other teachers did not want to eat what look like penis shaft so we left it on our plates. Then it totally T1000 the hell off our plates. they started heading towards each other. Luckily our boss saw them and chopsticks one by one in his mouth until his mouth was full of sliced cock worm. I told you it got worse.

Don't - Throw a hissy fit over the food choices.

The food can always stand to be improved by ordering McDonald's. and you just know the most expensive thing on the menu will be über awesome. If you get something squiddy, I say you OldBoy the shit out of it and one shot it like a boss.. Bonus points if you dangle it out of your mouth and gargle. Double points if anyone recognizes your impersonation of Cthulu. Whatever you do, do not forget to do the chopsticks as walrus thing. That shit kills.

Frickin' Comedic Gold

The bill
Do - shut up and hope this suckfest is done. Your boss should pay for everything. If they don't call the Labor Board I guess? Smile brightly and thank your boss profusely for making you eat with him.Wave goodbye to everyone awkwardly and walk away without looking back. You are going to be able to not be a part of the after party.

Don't - Everyone knows Boss Man is gonna pay. Especially since you have said that exact sentence to every person in the bar in a perfect Macho Man Randy Savage way. However, to spice things up you insist on snatching the bill out of his hands and demanding everyone cough an equal amount of money. Go on about how in YOUR country there is such a thing as Going Dutch and that doesn't mean wearing clogs.

Or A Dutch Going.

This speech is important. People should value your country's heritage and this is the perfect forum to start that moment off right. Stand on the table and say the speech loudly. Gesticulate like a movie football coach in a locker room at halftime. If you can nudge a half filled beer mug into that guy-you-don't-like's lap, awesome sauce. Only when people start to pull out their wallets do you grin and tell them it was a joke. Now they understand your country's humour. You're helping. Try to pick your boss's pocket. That look on his face when he goes to pay? Literally worth all the money in his various credit cards.LET'S NORAE BANG , BITCHES!

 If this is you, you're on the internet as a noraebang search. You're welcome.

The Day After
Do - Make no reference to it. Pretend it never happened. Act as if refreshed and glad to be working for a man who is soooo fucking generous.

Don't - sleep it off at work wearing the same clothes from the night before. Did these guys not listen to your tabletop speech last night about cultural heritage? You Rudy-ied the shit out of that thing. Wear sunglasses in the office. Ask to go home early.  Set the trash can on fire. Walk out one hand held high. Breakfast Club Credits, Judd Nelson moment. You're welcome, world.

5 Do's and Don'ts at Mudfest

Mudfest is considered by some the highlight of their Korean social calendar. Others think it is a frat party in the rain for people who never got enough in college. I think they should all shut up and recognize why it can be be both.  That said, sometimes the Festival of Mud can sometimes get a bit out of control. Here is my helpful guide to keep you crazy kids out of the asylum. By which , i mean, you know, jail. Basically, if you're partying with many people,  try to not be the craziest person there. The numbers are against you.

4. Do - Prepare for the weekend.
Yes, prepare for the rain. Also, get clothes for partying at night on a beach. Get sun cream for tanning on a beach. Get condoms. This may all be obvious. You may already know what you need for a weekend. Just don't be that guy borrowing clothes off friends.Don't show up with a spare of underoos and that's it.

If you borrow clothes from Yoko Ono, this will happen to you. So, don't go to Mudfest with Yoko Ono, I guess?

Or money.  There are maybe five convenience stores along the whole strip. You should be fine for beer. But you would be surprised how many places don't stock the size of condom you believe you need.

Not so much 'boy band' as 'third hand'. Amirite, ladies?

Don't - Overprepare. You know that scene in Fear and loathing? The suitcase full of drugs? Well, you can't do that in Korea. Arguably, no one could do that anywhere except Hunter S. Thompson and his head is full of shotgun holes. But maybe when you are packing, you don't need an entire pack of Chocolate Philly Blunts, two bottles of whiskey, One bottle of gin, two Jagermeister's, two pack of fireworks, a set of of walkie talkies and a radio controlled blimp. Leave the walkie talkies at home. There. Much better.

He brought only the essentials.

Also, make sure the itinerary for the whole weekend is carefully mapped out. Make sure everyone has copies of the laminated itinerary. No one wants to miss out on that fifteen minutes thinking to yourself time on the beach. Your friends should thank you for having planned their mudfest for them. The hapless fools.

"Guys? Hapless fools? Great. I'm on the wrong part of the beach."

3. Do - Get into the various events.
Fancy some mud wrestling? Okay, there ya go. Off and on the beach, there are opportunities to do that. I don't know why you would do that, all i know is, I have a 1000 won on the long haired guy with the angel tats. Against anybody.

Somewhere in there, Nick Heroux is making me some money.

Wanna go on the mud slide. Okay, go queue up for hours and then fall down slowly as your butt crack get sliced by plastic. That sounds cool. Wanna go dance on the beach and get sprayed with hoses? You betcha! Because hey, what this beach really needed was some downward spraying water. Throw that beach ball about! The point is, whatever your oeuvre, go ahead and do it. Your friends may come with you. Your friends may not. Fuck them. If they aren't down with being locked in a mud prison for hours on end, they're weird.

Scum is the most accurate movie ever.

Don't - Become one with the events.
Fuck this wrestling and its rules. I'm bringing in a foreign object! Throwing in the blue trash can you're sure the police were shouting at you to use just for this purpose, you face down your opponent. "What's that for?" he asks. Ha! He knew this was going to happen since you cut that killer promo on the beach in your head five minutes ago. One winning trash can shot later, you are King of the RIng. You run out of there, freeing the prisoners from their muddy cell by kicking it over. "You're welcome!" you shout as you run on to the dancefloor. Damn, those policemen are persistent fans.

"I said, no autographs!"

You merge into the dance beach, imitating the dance moves you practiced every night from Matrix Two. Someone throws a beach ball at you. You throw it on to somewhere else. Someone cheers. You rationalize this. One small piece of plastic flung into the crowd, one small cheer. Therefore, one big piece of plastic... You see another blue trashcan and throw it high up above the crowd...... The next day, when the last of the mushrooms sunstroke leaves you, you see a man covered in bandages. You ask what happened. "Trashcan," he  mumbles. You wait a moment, then self five yourself.

Mudfest. Some things you don't walk away from.

2. Do - Enjoy the ocean
I like Boryeong Beach. Yeah, it's full of trash that could cut you, and ultimately they are going to poison the earth but you know what, they're your friends, dammit.

eh? EH? Come on, that is fried gold!

 
So i do like to have a few beers (more on that later) and go out into the shallow reaches of the water. So do a lot of other people. Let's respect each other's play time. Let's not play a game of Drown That Guy. Let's not ogle and crowd the ladies because they are wearing swimming costumes and you are both socially retarded and/or lonely.  In other words, try to act like you've been to the party before.

Also, don't be this guy.

Don't - Fight the ocean.
Or you could straight up admit you have never been to the party before. A Friend of mine, Let's Call him Backgammon Rob (Yeah, that should protect his name) had never seen the ocean before. Since he came from Canada Utah, that seemed unlikely as he would have had a night flight all the way to Korea, right? ANyways, up in person he took one look at the ocean and wanted a piece of it. He stripped to 'not scaring kids' level and ran into the water. He played. He gamboled. He...punched? Yeah, he started punching the ocean. He taunted the ocean. "Come on, Ocean, let's go!" At least, that 's what my drunken ears heard. He faced away form the ocean and stood there letting the waves pound his back again and again, shouting out and exuding manliness on a level unparalleled since St George Headbutted a dragon.. My best friend and I stood slack jawed as one man took on an ocean. And eventually lost.

"And he was all like AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH and the ocean just stood there man.....You had to be there."

1.Do - Embrace the Rain
I have been to Mudfest a lot and it rains. It rains almost all the time. Sure, you heard about how it was sunny the whole time once. Sure you did. And in America, the streets are paved with cheese.

"It was sunny, and there was a good beef galbi restaurant and the motel let us  sleep in until 5 and..."

Just accept it will rain. Don't hide in your room. Get out there. Accept you are drinking beer outside in the rain. You are dancing in the rain. Mud comes from dirt and water. rain is just making mud more available. Now you just have to bring the dirt, ladies. Avoiding rain at mudfest is like avoiding betting at Cheongdo Bull Festival, or insane claw marks at a key party with leopards. You're missing the point.

Goddamit, Mrs Jones! I said Careful!

Don't  - Embrace the rain
Look at rain across the dancefloor. Walk up to rain. Touch it. Feel it touching you. Kiss it. Kiss that rain.

Yeah, rain. that's right. Do me. Make me feel like a man.

Bring it to a slightly less crowded part of the beach and lie down with rain. Put rain on a pedestal. What I'm saying is, go down on rain. Make rain wet. Whisper in rain's ear "I want you on top." Lie down and look up at the rain, gently fucking you. Suddenly realize you are a naked man with a boner, holding imaginary buttocks  and there are screaming children.

Mister? What are you doing?