A Bad Day Spiral.

Some days really suck. You are in the middle of your pay schedule so you do not have a lot of funds and you have far, far too long to the next pay cheque. You know you should not be living pay cheque to pay cheque and you castigate yourself over that because you are not the offspring of your responsible parents.  You are halfway through the teaching schedule for Winter Camp and the combination of sleep deprivation, mismanaged course schedules and kids high on life has you going slightly crazy.  And you have other shit going on. Deep, mysterious shit no one else could possibly understand nor process more successfully than you.

Life is super tough.

You go through the day picking at all the things going wrong for you. The bus did not wait for you. You were too heavy for the building lift and were unceremoniously kicked out by a grumpy ajumma. Your co worker is all sweetness and light then tells you she wants you to make a test for the class in the enxt ten minutes. Your phone falls into a cup of coffee. A kid kicks you in the shins. The subway charges your passcard twice for the same journey. Your friends and family seem to have got their entire act together and you don't even know your lines half the time. People getting engaged, married, having kids, buying houses, being *successful*. And you are not.

Well now hang on a minute.

You have a job. You have a house. You are eminently employable. You have friends. You have family. You have food in the fridge. You have clothes. You have heating and light. You're not doing too bad.

This day is like any other. Yes, some bad stuff happened. You missed that bus but another one will come along soon. Your co worker may have trouble explaining when you have to do things. Your levels of preparedness are increasing even as we speak and you certainly should not get stressed over their mistake. Yes, Winter Camp is hard for some people. Yes, Mid month is  shitty time, especially after Xmas and New Year's.  But you are going to make it. You always do.

I have a busted knee and thought I was going to have no way of paying for it. My school has since set me up with insurance and I have a charitable benfactor to help me out. My school has been super lovely to me and it is going to all work out. Something happens. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, that thing has to be from you, and that is the hardest thing. Digging deep, finding the energy to fix your situation. Finding the ability to ask for help when you normally would not. FInding the skill to act indepeneedntly when you normally wouldn't.

However, your problem is solved, you know it will not be the end of your world. It will, in time, be a footnote. So do not let it get you down. This, like eveyrthing else, will pass.

But seriously, some days really do suck.

The Day Daegu Went To The Races

Another successful Saturday night.Your usual mix of drinks, fights, hugs, tears and laughter.

But that's another story.  I absentmindedly put the soccer player's jockstrap off my head and into my top shirt pocket. Again, that's another story. 

Yes, like a handkerchief.

I went to the taxi rank and stood in the organized line. We all dutifully waited our turn. Ha, how weird would that be! It wasn't a particularly memorable taxi-line fight. I held my end up but I felt the other participants were lacklustre at best. So after clotheslining the woman in the improbably high miniskirt I was free to choose my ride home. Her gurgled response from the bloodied Tarmac seemed to say 'You were right David.  These clothes were unsuitable to win a taxi fight.' I nodded to her, accepting her acceptance, and opened the taxi door.  That's when it all went wrong. 

The cab driver was listening intently to his cb. It was odd.  The guy was not watching TV.  He was not listening to Korean Traditional Trot. My ears thanked him. He seemed almost nervous. No, scratch that. He was anticipatory. Like a rapist watching a roofied victim slowly become relaxed, he seemed to be biding his time. I have ssen that look before. Whatever, I don't care. The dreams are fading and my music teacher still writes to me from prison.  Now who's crying?

Hopefully, Djokovic again.Come on, Murray!  Tennis, that's a real sport. LOL.

 I just wanted to go home.  I told him  where I lived in my perfect cabnbeerean.  Nothing.  I repeated myself, figuring he was one of those cabbies who needed repetitions.  Nothing. Suddenly the cb went off.  I would not normally notice except my drunken ability to understand Korean had somehow ameliorated to outstanding.  I understood everything being said. 

"Drivers to the start line. We got a race." The cab started. I was pushed back by the force into the seat. The bucket seat. Something was off. I looked around the inside of the cab. It was very bright.  J.J.Abrams would have been blinded by this lens flare. What the hell was going on?

The inside of the cab was not THAT different by Korean standards.

The cab drove through to the Kyoungpook Uni HospitalSubway  crossroads. The police had lined up the road for their night time drinks checks. Only.. Some cars were just waiting there.  And they were not your average Sonatas or Matizes.

Also, it appears they are on fire.

And one of the policeman looked oddly familiar. 

No way.

Best. Photoshop. Ever.

 It was then I also noticed something about my cabbie. It was not that he was lacking in Korean features. It was that he was overcompensating by having all kinds of Bro. There was so much Bro coming off this dude, I felt the sweaty strangulation of a thousand polo neck shirts being worn at once.  I looked across the way. There were signs this was not going to be your usual ride home.

The rules were simple. There were no rules. The other rules were: you had to get your fare home and back again. I laughed at this. I lived so close my boy just had to win.

"Hey man, what's your name?" I asked him.

"Pau - I mean, Brian. Brian Pillbox. Or something."  I was impressed with his ability to remember almost half his name.

"Brian, I live literally just down the road. You cannot lose."

"Oh man, That's what Liddy said. Then she died and came back to life."

"I'm sorry. I don't know what a Liddy is. I'm an English teacher. I use real words."

The next rule according to the ludicrously afroed policeman : go to the 24 hour burger King drive thru and collect whatever the fare wanted to eat.


"Dude, That's awesome. I want a double whopper no cheese, chicken royale, fuck it, I'll have a Royal Box. And a Coke  Zero."

Zero times any number equals zero. That's why I don't put on weight.

"No, you'll get a hamburger. A generic hamburger. Our shoot cannot afford to pay our sponsors."

 "BriPaul, I don't think that's how sponsorship works. And you say 'shoot', like this is a movie. Is this a movie? Am I going to be on Korean television every day for the next four months?"

"Shut up, just let me drive."

"Okay, but I do want a whopper."

"I told you! Generic names only!"

"Okay I'll eat a Biggie. Is that racist?"

"I honestly don't know what is racist anymore. I race against latinos, blacks and asians and I always seem to win. That can't be right, can it? I mean, the Law of Large Numbers would dictate I would lose eventually. But no, the white man is superior in every race. What's that all about? And I only lose to some guy whose ethnic background is so unknown, his DNA is probably some kind of pumped up quadruple Helix*."

Honestly, this may have been the most words that Paul Walker has ever said in a row. and I had to make it all up for it to happen.**

"Okay, well some kind of a large burger, then."

But seriously, I was hungry.

I'm just saying, this is the driver for fatties.

The cars lined up and we got ready to go. Man, I regretted winning that Taxi Line FIght...

TO BE CONTINUED

  *

Obligatory pic of the Deezer. "What is it Precious, WHAT IS IT?"

**Also, not to take away from the moment, but how funny was it to have his dopey bro accent say "Quadruple Helix'?

Email Transcripts Between A Robot and its New Hagwan Boss

Do's and Don't Of Summertime

When contemplating the summertime, people in Korea relish the opportunity to, you know, really do something with their weekends. And when it comes to weekend activities Korea is Instagrammingly awesome.  As ever, with these moments there is a right way and a wrong way.  And, as ever, I have lists these impeccably.  Honestly, at this stage of the game I am nailing it harder than a hammer. A Hebrew Hammer, if you will.

Ha, remember when I did sports? No, me neither.

Going to a Sports Event

Do -  at this stage all the ex pat leagues have shut down, are shutting down or should be shut down.  Not permanently guys, just until next season. Luckily Daegu's bevy of sports franchises mean you can go to a game and watch professionals play the game you play, albeit with maybe a little less style or alcohol.

Unless this guy comes back from the dead.

Me and my friends.

An action shot of said sporting event.

Book your seats in advance, budget time and money, and you are almost guaranteed great memories that will be best expressed by facebooking endless photos of you and your friends' faces in some kind of stadium over and over and over again. Make sure to include one fuzzy image of said sportsman doing nothing in particular.  Now all your friends will be jealous.  

Don't- As  far as you are concerned, these overpaid hacks are embarrassing the noble game of baskbaseultisoftballs you have been championing for the last however many Sundays it took for you to lose in the first round playoffs to that bullshit team made up of probable semi pros who grew up together inventing the game.

Cue a joke about Chris Keeler and Paul Groba getting angry.

 As your combination of rage, depression, loss and sense of victimization swirl together in a cocktail of sweaty shitty beer and sweatier, shittier soju, remember this.  You are a paying fan, and paying fans are expected, nay obligated to tell players how, why and when they suck. Combine this with good acoustics, lack of English being spoken and small crowd turnout, you can really get inside that foreign player's head. Take the time to google everything about him and remind him of his failures as a husband/lover/student/mariachi, as well as reminding him his career has almost certainly not ended up the way he hoped.   The tears, they will taste so good.

So, so good.

Hiking - 

Do- check the weather on this one. Dress appropriately. Bear in mind snakes happen after rain.  I assume because the raindrops allow them to go freestyling down the slopes.  I don't know.  I hate snakes.

Look at that evil bastard.

Anyway, go early, so you really enjoy those views of tiny cities, or farmland.  Take photos, to prove you are totally into this thing.  Health, or whatever.  I don't know. Health, snakes, same same. Make sure you see that giant Buddha/stone/monastery.  Yep, holy introverts went out of their way to plant that shit right out if the way.  So you better find them and take pics. Holy pics.

"Seriously, is this guy just going film us praying? Because I need to fart and the bubbles are bad enough...."

 Oh, and take food and drink.  Do not be the guy in the group who 'forgets' and makes everyone give one bite of their food.  It is awkward for everyone.  I apologize again to the Apsan Tour of 2011. 

Don't -  This hiking seems to be like walking. Walking upwards through trees.  It doesn't seem that hard.  Step things up a notch.  Get to the mountain a day earlier than everyone else. As we all know, hiking is strictly set between certain hours probably.  Rig the mountain with just the right amount of landmines. Pay one class of middle school children to don war paint and teach them how to use bows and arrows.

Obviously not this bitch. She just hides. Like a bitch.

Release a crazy dude with a chainsaw and a motion tracker.  Any of these are good. However, whatever you do, wait until your friends are halfway up before you tell them your game changing plan. At the end of the day, as you shiver in a combination of fear and exposure, hiding next to the last monk standing in the shell of a burned out monastery, remember this.  It's not hiking if no-one dies.  I learned that from Predator. 

Should have stayed in Office, Dude-anator.

Going to Seoul 

Do - Don't.  

Don't - Do. 

You're welcome.

Enjoying Some Culture

Do - oh my days, Korea is full of culture.  And I'm not talking that Frasier Crane, sniff but don't swallow malarkey either.im talking soju wine tasting, bull fighting, herbs and medicine, mask making hootenannies.  I'm just saying rednecks and Koreans are probably related. And doing each other
 

Pictured, Evidence.

.  Enjoy doing the cheesy, rural bumpkin stuff. What are you, too good for a hay cart ride? You're probably from London, aren't you?  Or New York.  Or somewhere else where your heart has died. Well, compare fifteen different ginseng infusions and tell me your soul did not just leap up for joy.  

Every single person in this pic is living the dream, people.

Don't - approach Korean culture the same way you approach a crazy old lady. Open arms, smiling, yet be cautiously aware she could have a brick in her handbag. In fact, approach like you ARE a crazy old lady.  

Nailed it. And by it, I mean two out of three of these got some Hebrew Hammering. The chick said no.

These ladies seem to get deals and discounts and front of the line privileges.  I say dress up like one and enjoy your day out, first class Gangnam style. A moment for my writing as I reference such clichéd tedium. Allow your inner ajumma out.  Elbow anyone you like, especially, and this is the best part, other ajummas.

AJUMMA FIGHT! My money is on the garishly dressed one.

Get first dibs on the fairground rides. Refuse to pay for anything shouting "He stole my money!" and point at literally anyone. Finally, insist on getting someone else to give up their seat.  In the bathroom.  

ENJOY YOUR SUMMER!

Do's and Dont's of Eating with your Korean boss

Oh my days, the after work dinner has to be the worst experience ever. No, I'm not talking about you teachers who are besties with your boss. I'm not talking about your line manager who is Canadian or whatever. I'm talking that dreadful time, being forced to celebrate with your boss that no one got murderdeathkilled during your stupid summer/winter/random/fuck you program.

Watch it again and again. That monotony and sense of pervasive death. This is Summer Camp.

Whatever. You tried literally throwing up a lung to avoid this shindig of hell but to no avail. You're in. Now you're in a political minefield. It can go two ways. You can carefully negotiate your way across this tricky expanse, sighing and sweating the while way through. Or you can take it at a dead run, arms up like a Muppet, laughing insanely and letting the chips where they may.

The Right Way.

The Wrong Way.

 
1. Sitting down.
Do - Stand around until your boss tells you where to sit. Be happy wherever he chooses to place you. Next to the boss? Touching you in new places?  He must love you. As far from him as possible? Possibly behind a pillar? He must respect your privacy. By the door? He must not want you to overheat.In winter.

"This is my seat? Thanks Boss, You're really thinking ahead."

Don't. - Getting the party started right is essential so I say sit down right next to your boss, on his shiny ass suit if possible. Hold him close. Whisper that this is going to be a magical night neither one of you will forget. Look him in the eyes to make sure he understands. He gulps. He understands.

These guys know what I'm talking about.

2. Drinking - do not drink unless drunken to. That was the rule at my Uncle George's house and it's a good rule in Korea. Don't make a Toast. Don't drink by yourself. Don't you dare. When your boss makes a toast, wait for him to finish. You will be like a living statue on a beach promenade. When everyone else drinks, look away and drink. Use your other hand to hide your drink from your boss. This camouflage is perfect; he'll never know.

Better hidden than Wahlberg in Sniper. Better plot as well.

Don't - Order more drinks. I mean, this is a staff do, right? That whiskey ain't gonna drink itself say up there on that dusty shelf. You deserve a few shots. Plus, the school has an unlimited tab. Challenge your boss to chugging beer. Laugh when you finish and they don't. Laugh when they politely decline. When your boss makes his speech have prepared zingers in Korean to help him out. Jokes about his wife, children or mother? Perfect.

Wrong. All wrong. There's no Korean flag.

3. Pouring a new drink
Do - keep an eye on your party. If your boss has an empty glass, pick up the bottle with one hand and grip your arm with the other. Pour when he lifts his glass up. Stop when he gives the minuscule upward motion with his glass, indicating his preferred level. Put the bottle down. He is going to fill your glass up. Hold it with two hands. When you are satisfied lift it softly up. Drink if he drinks. Otherwise sit back and wonder what you would look like in a Geisha costume. I think you'd look good. 

Damn Good.

Don't. - motherf*ckers ain't s*it. These glasses are too small y'all.

That's why you brought along your baby from home. You called it The Hobbit. It's a 2000cc pint glass. That might not make sense to your boss or coworkers but they should just shut their pie holes. Beer is good. Start to insist on rubbing your boss's belly, you know, for luck.

Better luck than this guy ten seconds after the picture was taken.

 Every time you do it, you should whisper in his ear "we should have a baby". Giggle and burp. Copiously.


Ordering food
Do - depending on your Hagwon and your boss, you could have a traditional galbi, or fried chicken, or fancy stuff. Like Seahouse. Whatever happens, accept the food in your plate. You don't have to eat it all. I mean, maybe you don't need that re-sign contract after all. Get your head out of your arse and back in the game! Actually sometimes, the food will leave you. True story, one time at a fancy restaurant we got this tubeworm. Already a terrible story, I know but wait, there's more. The chef cut this thing up in front if us like a Starship Troopers science lesson and place a still moving section on all of our plates.

Me and two other teachers did not want to eat what look like penis shaft so we left it on our plates. Then it totally T1000 the hell off our plates. they started heading towards each other. Luckily our boss saw them and chopsticks one by one in his mouth until his mouth was full of sliced cock worm. I told you it got worse.

Don't - Throw a hissy fit over the food choices.

The food can always stand to be improved by ordering McDonald's. and you just know the most expensive thing on the menu will be über awesome. If you get something squiddy, I say you OldBoy the shit out of it and one shot it like a boss.. Bonus points if you dangle it out of your mouth and gargle. Double points if anyone recognizes your impersonation of Cthulu. Whatever you do, do not forget to do the chopsticks as walrus thing. That shit kills.

Frickin' Comedic Gold

The bill
Do - shut up and hope this suckfest is done. Your boss should pay for everything. If they don't call the Labor Board I guess? Smile brightly and thank your boss profusely for making you eat with him.Wave goodbye to everyone awkwardly and walk away without looking back. You are going to be able to not be a part of the after party.

Don't - Everyone knows Boss Man is gonna pay. Especially since you have said that exact sentence to every person in the bar in a perfect Macho Man Randy Savage way. However, to spice things up you insist on snatching the bill out of his hands and demanding everyone cough an equal amount of money. Go on about how in YOUR country there is such a thing as Going Dutch and that doesn't mean wearing clogs.

Or A Dutch Going.

This speech is important. People should value your country's heritage and this is the perfect forum to start that moment off right. Stand on the table and say the speech loudly. Gesticulate like a movie football coach in a locker room at halftime. If you can nudge a half filled beer mug into that guy-you-don't-like's lap, awesome sauce. Only when people start to pull out their wallets do you grin and tell them it was a joke. Now they understand your country's humour. You're helping. Try to pick your boss's pocket. That look on his face when he goes to pay? Literally worth all the money in his various credit cards.LET'S NORAE BANG , BITCHES!

 If this is you, you're on the internet as a noraebang search. You're welcome.

The Day After
Do - Make no reference to it. Pretend it never happened. Act as if refreshed and glad to be working for a man who is soooo fucking generous.

Don't - sleep it off at work wearing the same clothes from the night before. Did these guys not listen to your tabletop speech last night about cultural heritage? You Rudy-ied the shit out of that thing. Wear sunglasses in the office. Ask to go home early.  Set the trash can on fire. Walk out one hand held high. Breakfast Club Credits, Judd Nelson moment. You're welcome, world.

Five DIY Tips Living In Korea; Dos And Don'ts.

Well, look. Most of you have your own place sorted out by your employer. I mean, hell, that is part of the pleasure of working here. However, you could decide to move on to a better place. And I don't mean Heaven. When you find a place, there could be a few small problems with it. When you get those problems, there are right ways and there are wrong ways to fix them. I hope these will clarify which is which. 

This set of signs have no arrows. There is no way shown. They are doing signs the wrong way. Therefore, the wrong way sign is doing it right and the right way sign...Look, it's a bad picture.

Gaps in Windows 

DO

I know you are all ready with the weather stripping. Self adhesive, easy to use, readily available. However, if you find yourself not able to get it this might be good too. Get some double sided sticky tape. If you're British giggle at the fact you have become a Blur Peter presenter. If not English, shake head at the things English insist are funny. Get shrink film. I don't care where from. I don't know, fucking Daiso.

Somewhere in here, Hoffa is buried. Probably in one of the Heart shaped letter keepers.

Wash window and frame. Stick sticky tape to frame. Put shrink tautly over tape. Make joke about stretching it out. Use hair dryer to heat the shrink film. Shrink film shrinks, thus making people who name things happy. Now you have no draft. I'd make an NFL reference but honestly I don't know anything about that. Is the Refrigerator still a super star athlete?

What a Super Star Athlete should look like. David Beckham, take note.

DON'T
Take a tube of superglue and hammer it into a plank. Put plank over hole. If this doesn't work pour oil on it and set fire to it. Enjoy the virtual feast. Then try to do again but better. When window falls out get oil drum and place in centre of room. Fill with detritus and waste. Set fire to it. Hope this will compensate for -20 degree Siberian winds. Watch hope extinguish as flame dies. Or, watch hope set fire to entire apartment block.

Still, to be fair, I bet you can't feel that Russian wind anymore. I bet you can't feel anything.

Ripped mesh.

DO

Buy a new mesh guard. It's cheap. No? You are now officially cheaper than a Jew. Apparently you break all the boundaries, allowing insects in your room and Jews in your heart. (Obviously not in your golf course though. That's cray cray). Okay then try this. Get an old mesh guard. cut a piece out that is an inch wider than the hole (pause to say any dick joke. They're all good here). Sew it to the mesh. Make that stitch tighter than (don't attempt dick joke here. You're sowing. Read the room). When finished, have honey based sex knowing insects will go insane at how you are using their nectar.

"C'mon! that guy doesn't even have his stinger in the right place. Chicks dig the worst guys!"

DON'T

Realize it is time you face all the insects as a man but on your terms, with the clear home advantage. Cake yourself in clay. Arm yourself with knife, Doom spray, bow and flammable arrows. Rip the rest Of the mesh off the window. Turn on all the lights. Hide up in the coat rack. Prepare for war.

How Arnold kills everything is why there no animals in a 5 KM radius of his house.

Cut Linoleum

 DO

Get a pro. Look, you might think cutting a piece from somewhere else, beading some caulk and mastic will take care of it. It will not. It'll cost between 200-600 to do a whole floor. That's still less than your key money. Don't. No. Don't. Put the mastic down.

Although, this looks awesome.

DON'T.


Decide the cut looks artistic. Decide that is the next big thing. Decide that cut looks like the tooth of a JackOLantern. Cut the rest of the room to fit the tooth. Take a picture. Send to landlord. Wait for royalties. Keep cutting. Find the Ondol pipes.Climb down among them. It will be years before you return to the world of man. When you do you will be King of the Little People.

How I picture life under the ondol pipes.

Frozen Pipes

DO

This one Is easier the lower down the apartment block you are. Finally those cheap ass ground level apartments come through for the ex pat. Take off the floor filter so you have the open hole. Make a joke about your last girlfriend. Take off the the shower head an dangle the whole shower as far as it will go. Make further joke about your schlong. Turn on super hot water. Frozen pipes unfrozen. Pull shower nozzle back out. Clean shower. Have shower sex with girlfriend. Remember to put up Rocky pose when staring at yourself in the mirror.

Only, you know, romantically.

DON'T

Continue to shower ignoring the blockage. Let the dirt and soap congeal around your feet. Scrap off the resultant foot fungus and cook it for your landlord. This is your thank you meal  for your new ice rink. Brushing your teeth has never been so deadly!!! Don't tell girlfriend about ice rink. Learn how to live without physical gratification as you spoon feed her unforgiving paraplegic body. Live in regret.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Mold

DO

I swear almost everyone has a different way to deal with mold. Some like Cillit Bang. Some like diluted Bleach. Don't scrub. Just spray and pray like Cheney in a forest. Look at that guy. He's cleaning Mold from 200 yards away. And he's doing under budget.







Some like onions in tin foil. The onion absorbs all the mold spores, like that kid from super troopers. Then carefully wrap the foil around it and move it out. Or throw it at someone. Just keep it aired and keep an eye on it.Because that thing will pop and you will be fucked.






DON'T
Invest in black lights, a baseball bat and a flamethrower. Beat the mold patch furiously. Yell at it taunting it. Turn off normal lights and turn on black lights. At this point learn whether mold glows on a black light. Do not use Internet, it's more exciting this way. If it does glow, turn on flame thrower and incinerate beautiful floating glowing orbs. If it doesn't burn everything.

House Cleaning. Fuck it, it feels right.