Grosse Pointe Blank's Guide To ELT

Well, based on the positive response I received for my last ELT Blog, I felt I had to do another one! Byt he way, there is a glorious feeling having your views on teaching validated by a larger community of trained teachers. Thank you to everyone who complimented the last blog. It can currently be seen on my best friend Anne's blog . Check it out, not only for my piece but also for her great ELT works and thoughts.

So this week's blog is going to be based on one of my favorite films growing up. I feel it is quite relevant to the expat community, dealing as it does with going home after long absences. Sometimes it can feel like everyone else has been in a glass bubble and you totally, while of course, to your family and friends you're the same person you were when you first left. Frustrating, isn't it?

Anyways, I am talking about the great hitman comedy, Grosse Pointe Blank. This movie stars the Cusack Siblings, Dan Ackroyd, Minnie Driver and a bunch of indie specialists. John Cusack plays a hitman who is suffering malaise from his current life. His secretary suggests his return to his school in time for a ten year high school reunion. I heartily recommend this movie to anyone who likes, quick wit, sharp dialogue,  well set action scenes and Dan Ackroyd.
 
Martin Q. Blank: Do you *really* believe that there's some stored up conflict that exists between us? There *is* no us. *We* don't exist. So who do you wanna hit, man? It's not me. Now whaddya wanna do here, man?

This scene takes place between Martin and his highschool nemesis/jock bully. However, it could just as easily be between you and your students. All lesson long they've been the worst. Chewing gum, looking at you with "Juguleh" eyes, talking to their friend, playing on their phone, being a complete assclown. You berate them, you tried to work with them you used all your tricks. Nothing worked and have to admit the truth. This kid 'beat' you. 

Well, that's not true. Because the kid doesn't even think of it as a competition. As soon as the bell rings he does not think about you for the rest of the day. And when he comes to sit back down in your class, he won't remember your epic struggle at all. So, knowing that, are you really going to stress about how he is out to ruin your lesson? Are you going to build up a family feud that will last a lifetime? Grow up. You're an adult. He's a kid. Do your job to the best of your abilities and check your negative emotion at the door. Be a professional.


Debi: How come you never learned that it was wrong? That there are certain things you do not do, you do not do in a civilized society?

Marty: Which civilizations are we talking about?

Debi: Oh, shut up!

Marty: I mean, history...

Debi: Shut up!

Man, some kids never learn the right way to do things, do they? Like putting up their hands, or not  whispering the answer to their friend loudly so everyone knows they are the smartest person in the room. Like, not wanting to hug your leg when you walk through their kindy classroom? Like, not sleeping at the start of a lesson? Well, a lttle empathy here wouldn't hurt. Kindy kids like hugging people. Teenagers like to sleep. Smartarses like to shout out the answer. You cannot control everything in your classroom and trying to do so will make you super unfriendly in the kids' eyes, which makes your life harder, and it will make you more stressed which will make your kids' lives harder. Take a breath, be easy, be cool, be a fucking professional.

Martin Q. Blank: It's a poem? See, that's the problem... express yourself, Bob! Go for it.

Bob: "When I feel... quiet... when... I feel... blue..."

Martin Q. Blank: You know, I think that is *terrific*, what you have right there. Really, I liked it, a lot. I wouldn't sell the dealership or anything but, I'm tellin' ya... it's intense!

Bob: There's... more.

Martin Q. Blank: Okay, would ya mind, just skip to the end.

Whoops! Martin displaying a fail here. Teachers, your kid is opening up to you about someting they do in their private time. How about you don't belittle or ignore it. Some kids really want a mentor, an adult they can be themselves with. If they decide it is going to be you and you are seriously not honoured by that, I seriously question your motives for being a teacher. You're there to do your job, to be a role model. Do your job. Be a professional.


Debi: You're a fucking *psycho*.

Marty: Don't rush to judgment on something like that until all the facts are in.


Covered this thought process before in the earlier post but it is sooooo valid. We love to compartmentalize our students into good, bad, ugly, questionable meat etc, but let's just remember everyone has the capapcity to have a complex character, or at least a character with the ability to change their mood and personality. Psychos can be heroes on any given Monday. Princesses can be Alien Queens. Also,sidenote, if you are teaching eleven to thirteen years olds, the puberty is a nightmare for a teacher. You will ask yourself why is my student suddenly so truculent? She used to be such a darling! Hormones are a bitch. Just keep doing your job. Be a professional.

Bob: You wanna do some blow?

Martin Q. Blank: No I don't.

Don't do drugs. You're in a country that apparently loves to send foreigners to jail for doing drugs. Don't do drugs. Also, on a more important note, students love their downtime between classes. It can be tempting to join in and play with them  before you do, ask yourself if they should be playing this game on the school premises and whether you joining in is a wise career decision. Yes, middle schoolers play card games. I think the head teacher may have a problem if he sees you teaching those middle scholers how to three bet the turn in Texas Hold Em. Be a professional.

The Day Daegu Went To The Races

Another successful Saturday night.Your usual mix of drinks, fights, hugs, tears and laughter.

But that's another story.  I absentmindedly put the soccer player's jockstrap off my head and into my top shirt pocket. Again, that's another story. 

Yes, like a handkerchief.

I went to the taxi rank and stood in the organized line. We all dutifully waited our turn. Ha, how weird would that be! It wasn't a particularly memorable taxi-line fight. I held my end up but I felt the other participants were lacklustre at best. So after clotheslining the woman in the improbably high miniskirt I was free to choose my ride home. Her gurgled response from the bloodied Tarmac seemed to say 'You were right David.  These clothes were unsuitable to win a taxi fight.' I nodded to her, accepting her acceptance, and opened the taxi door.  That's when it all went wrong. 

The cab driver was listening intently to his cb. It was odd.  The guy was not watching TV.  He was not listening to Korean Traditional Trot. My ears thanked him. He seemed almost nervous. No, scratch that. He was anticipatory. Like a rapist watching a roofied victim slowly become relaxed, he seemed to be biding his time. I have ssen that look before. Whatever, I don't care. The dreams are fading and my music teacher still writes to me from prison.  Now who's crying?

Hopefully, Djokovic again.Come on, Murray!  Tennis, that's a real sport. LOL.

 I just wanted to go home.  I told him  where I lived in my perfect cabnbeerean.  Nothing.  I repeated myself, figuring he was one of those cabbies who needed repetitions.  Nothing. Suddenly the cb went off.  I would not normally notice except my drunken ability to understand Korean had somehow ameliorated to outstanding.  I understood everything being said. 

"Drivers to the start line. We got a race." The cab started. I was pushed back by the force into the seat. The bucket seat. Something was off. I looked around the inside of the cab. It was very bright.  J.J.Abrams would have been blinded by this lens flare. What the hell was going on?

The inside of the cab was not THAT different by Korean standards.

The cab drove through to the Kyoungpook Uni HospitalSubway  crossroads. The police had lined up the road for their night time drinks checks. Only.. Some cars were just waiting there.  And they were not your average Sonatas or Matizes.

Also, it appears they are on fire.

And one of the policeman looked oddly familiar. 

No way.

Best. Photoshop. Ever.

 It was then I also noticed something about my cabbie. It was not that he was lacking in Korean features. It was that he was overcompensating by having all kinds of Bro. There was so much Bro coming off this dude, I felt the sweaty strangulation of a thousand polo neck shirts being worn at once.  I looked across the way. There were signs this was not going to be your usual ride home.

The rules were simple. There were no rules. The other rules were: you had to get your fare home and back again. I laughed at this. I lived so close my boy just had to win.

"Hey man, what's your name?" I asked him.

"Pau - I mean, Brian. Brian Pillbox. Or something."  I was impressed with his ability to remember almost half his name.

"Brian, I live literally just down the road. You cannot lose."

"Oh man, That's what Liddy said. Then she died and came back to life."

"I'm sorry. I don't know what a Liddy is. I'm an English teacher. I use real words."

The next rule according to the ludicrously afroed policeman : go to the 24 hour burger King drive thru and collect whatever the fare wanted to eat.


"Dude, That's awesome. I want a double whopper no cheese, chicken royale, fuck it, I'll have a Royal Box. And a Coke  Zero."

Zero times any number equals zero. That's why I don't put on weight.

"No, you'll get a hamburger. A generic hamburger. Our shoot cannot afford to pay our sponsors."

 "BriPaul, I don't think that's how sponsorship works. And you say 'shoot', like this is a movie. Is this a movie? Am I going to be on Korean television every day for the next four months?"

"Shut up, just let me drive."

"Okay, but I do want a whopper."

"I told you! Generic names only!"

"Okay I'll eat a Biggie. Is that racist?"

"I honestly don't know what is racist anymore. I race against latinos, blacks and asians and I always seem to win. That can't be right, can it? I mean, the Law of Large Numbers would dictate I would lose eventually. But no, the white man is superior in every race. What's that all about? And I only lose to some guy whose ethnic background is so unknown, his DNA is probably some kind of pumped up quadruple Helix*."

Honestly, this may have been the most words that Paul Walker has ever said in a row. and I had to make it all up for it to happen.**

"Okay, well some kind of a large burger, then."

But seriously, I was hungry.

I'm just saying, this is the driver for fatties.

The cars lined up and we got ready to go. Man, I regretted winning that Taxi Line FIght...

TO BE CONTINUED

  *

Obligatory pic of the Deezer. "What is it Precious, WHAT IS IT?"

**Also, not to take away from the moment, but how funny was it to have his dopey bro accent say "Quadruple Helix'?

5 Do's and Don'ts at Mudfest

Mudfest is considered by some the highlight of their Korean social calendar. Others think it is a frat party in the rain for people who never got enough in college. I think they should all shut up and recognize why it can be be both.  That said, sometimes the Festival of Mud can sometimes get a bit out of control. Here is my helpful guide to keep you crazy kids out of the asylum. By which , i mean, you know, jail. Basically, if you're partying with many people,  try to not be the craziest person there. The numbers are against you.

4. Do - Prepare for the weekend.
Yes, prepare for the rain. Also, get clothes for partying at night on a beach. Get sun cream for tanning on a beach. Get condoms. This may all be obvious. You may already know what you need for a weekend. Just don't be that guy borrowing clothes off friends.Don't show up with a spare of underoos and that's it.

If you borrow clothes from Yoko Ono, this will happen to you. So, don't go to Mudfest with Yoko Ono, I guess?

Or money.  There are maybe five convenience stores along the whole strip. You should be fine for beer. But you would be surprised how many places don't stock the size of condom you believe you need.

Not so much 'boy band' as 'third hand'. Amirite, ladies?

Don't - Overprepare. You know that scene in Fear and loathing? The suitcase full of drugs? Well, you can't do that in Korea. Arguably, no one could do that anywhere except Hunter S. Thompson and his head is full of shotgun holes. But maybe when you are packing, you don't need an entire pack of Chocolate Philly Blunts, two bottles of whiskey, One bottle of gin, two Jagermeister's, two pack of fireworks, a set of of walkie talkies and a radio controlled blimp. Leave the walkie talkies at home. There. Much better.

He brought only the essentials.

Also, make sure the itinerary for the whole weekend is carefully mapped out. Make sure everyone has copies of the laminated itinerary. No one wants to miss out on that fifteen minutes thinking to yourself time on the beach. Your friends should thank you for having planned their mudfest for them. The hapless fools.

"Guys? Hapless fools? Great. I'm on the wrong part of the beach."

3. Do - Get into the various events.
Fancy some mud wrestling? Okay, there ya go. Off and on the beach, there are opportunities to do that. I don't know why you would do that, all i know is, I have a 1000 won on the long haired guy with the angel tats. Against anybody.

Somewhere in there, Nick Heroux is making me some money.

Wanna go on the mud slide. Okay, go queue up for hours and then fall down slowly as your butt crack get sliced by plastic. That sounds cool. Wanna go dance on the beach and get sprayed with hoses? You betcha! Because hey, what this beach really needed was some downward spraying water. Throw that beach ball about! The point is, whatever your oeuvre, go ahead and do it. Your friends may come with you. Your friends may not. Fuck them. If they aren't down with being locked in a mud prison for hours on end, they're weird.

Scum is the most accurate movie ever.

Don't - Become one with the events.
Fuck this wrestling and its rules. I'm bringing in a foreign object! Throwing in the blue trash can you're sure the police were shouting at you to use just for this purpose, you face down your opponent. "What's that for?" he asks. Ha! He knew this was going to happen since you cut that killer promo on the beach in your head five minutes ago. One winning trash can shot later, you are King of the RIng. You run out of there, freeing the prisoners from their muddy cell by kicking it over. "You're welcome!" you shout as you run on to the dancefloor. Damn, those policemen are persistent fans.

"I said, no autographs!"

You merge into the dance beach, imitating the dance moves you practiced every night from Matrix Two. Someone throws a beach ball at you. You throw it on to somewhere else. Someone cheers. You rationalize this. One small piece of plastic flung into the crowd, one small cheer. Therefore, one big piece of plastic... You see another blue trashcan and throw it high up above the crowd...... The next day, when the last of the mushrooms sunstroke leaves you, you see a man covered in bandages. You ask what happened. "Trashcan," he  mumbles. You wait a moment, then self five yourself.

Mudfest. Some things you don't walk away from.

2. Do - Enjoy the ocean
I like Boryeong Beach. Yeah, it's full of trash that could cut you, and ultimately they are going to poison the earth but you know what, they're your friends, dammit.

eh? EH? Come on, that is fried gold!

 
So i do like to have a few beers (more on that later) and go out into the shallow reaches of the water. So do a lot of other people. Let's respect each other's play time. Let's not play a game of Drown That Guy. Let's not ogle and crowd the ladies because they are wearing swimming costumes and you are both socially retarded and/or lonely.  In other words, try to act like you've been to the party before.

Also, don't be this guy.

Don't - Fight the ocean.
Or you could straight up admit you have never been to the party before. A Friend of mine, Let's Call him Backgammon Rob (Yeah, that should protect his name) had never seen the ocean before. Since he came from Canada Utah, that seemed unlikely as he would have had a night flight all the way to Korea, right? ANyways, up in person he took one look at the ocean and wanted a piece of it. He stripped to 'not scaring kids' level and ran into the water. He played. He gamboled. He...punched? Yeah, he started punching the ocean. He taunted the ocean. "Come on, Ocean, let's go!" At least, that 's what my drunken ears heard. He faced away form the ocean and stood there letting the waves pound his back again and again, shouting out and exuding manliness on a level unparalleled since St George Headbutted a dragon.. My best friend and I stood slack jawed as one man took on an ocean. And eventually lost.

"And he was all like AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH and the ocean just stood there man.....You had to be there."

1.Do - Embrace the Rain
I have been to Mudfest a lot and it rains. It rains almost all the time. Sure, you heard about how it was sunny the whole time once. Sure you did. And in America, the streets are paved with cheese.

"It was sunny, and there was a good beef galbi restaurant and the motel let us  sleep in until 5 and..."

Just accept it will rain. Don't hide in your room. Get out there. Accept you are drinking beer outside in the rain. You are dancing in the rain. Mud comes from dirt and water. rain is just making mud more available. Now you just have to bring the dirt, ladies. Avoiding rain at mudfest is like avoiding betting at Cheongdo Bull Festival, or insane claw marks at a key party with leopards. You're missing the point.

Goddamit, Mrs Jones! I said Careful!

Don't  - Embrace the rain
Look at rain across the dancefloor. Walk up to rain. Touch it. Feel it touching you. Kiss it. Kiss that rain.

Yeah, rain. that's right. Do me. Make me feel like a man.

Bring it to a slightly less crowded part of the beach and lie down with rain. Put rain on a pedestal. What I'm saying is, go down on rain. Make rain wet. Whisper in rain's ear "I want you on top." Lie down and look up at the rain, gently fucking you. Suddenly realize you are a naked man with a boner, holding imaginary buttocks  and there are screaming children.

Mister? What are you doing?