Taking A Friend To Task - Part One

The longer you know someone, the greater the knowledge of that person. That knowledge can be positive or negative. Frequently, your oldest friends are the people who have revealed their true nature under different pressures and so are the ones who have most frequently failed those pressures' tests. However, what can you do? You are invested in the relationship. Confrontations are ugly moments that, if handled badly, can lead to changes in the friendship dynamic and no one likes to rock the boat. In the worst case it can lead to the end of a friendship which is arguably worse than the end of a girlfriend or boyfriend. Lovers come and go but friends should be there forever, or at least that is what we are taught. A person without strong long-lasting friendships is viewed suspiciously by society. There is a reason why popularity is repeatedly referred to in the same breath as success. How they view themselves is an entirely different matter. Self judgement and self actualisation are adversely affected when there is not someone trustworthy to act as a life soundboard. 

So , friendships are important. Mankind is a social animal but when your social circle contains 'problem elements', what do you do? Here are some examples and suggestions. Perhaps you would recognise some traits within your friends and will take these suggestions and run with them. Perhaps you will recognise those traits within yourself. 

The Unthinker

There is always a friend that asks you for something unreasonable. To be picked up from an airport at 3AM but only telling you at 2AM. To borrow money, then to make you follow their suddenly revised repayment plan which includes them doing 'favours', like Inopportune neck rubs. To have be the Designated Driver, but instead of a direct ride home, they insist on going to an out of the way chicken restaurant so they can grab a 2-Piece. 

Why do they do this? 

They're not testing you and they're not trying to make you their bitch. If that were the case, hopefully you would have recognised this as a poisonous relationship and you would have ended it. Being forced into kowtowing to another's will is demeaning, dehumanising and totally unacceptable in the one life you have to live on this Earth.

So why do they do this?

 They do it because they are not thinking about anyone but themselves. They are blinkered in their societal world peripheral view. They are unthinking and to a degree, they probably prefer it that way. Why wouldn't they? They are getting literally everything they want and their life is cruising along delightfully. 

Perhaps the real question should be why do you do this. You want your friends to be happy, you want your friends to be friendly but also, you do not want to be judged. You don't want to be known as the guy who says 'No' in the group. The same peer pressure you experience a s a child to follow your friend's thinking exists as an adult with the same problematic issues. 

So stop.

Make a note of all the times they help you and all the times you help them. Keeping an account sounds sociopathic and it is to a degree. You're trying to change society in an inorganic manner. Live with that decision. Writing things down allows you to separate fact from emotional fiction. Writing things down allows you to disse exactly what point, what issue, what ridiculous moment broke the friendship camel's back. It also allows you to talk to your friend about the issue calmly. Ha, I'm sorry, that was a joke. Talking to your friend abiut your friendship will always put a strain on that friendship. The Heisenberg Principle  states an object will change simply through the at of observing that object. Talking may work with HR and your offi co workers but for your close long term friends, talk is cheap. Affect a change by creating a change within yourself. Act differently to your friend , by not saying yes, and your friend had to act diffently to you. 

New Year, Old Man

Lets see if I can remember how to do this.  Haven’t written in a while so this is going to be streaming consciousness , off the cuff stuff. Last night was New Year’s Eve and it was a shitshow. It started off pretty badly on a personal level, but since that was resolved in ninety minutes of conversation with a coffee, I am not going to go into details here. And the following two hours were also pleasant. They were spent with a couple of old friends, a few new friends , drinking dancing and relaxing.

 

No.

I want to talk about the next couple of hours.

The Daegu Party hours. The time period of 3 to 5 is where the party animals come out to play. I don’t just mean the usual suspects of people who you first think of being at the centre of a good  time. I mean the Inner Party Animal. The Beast that Lurks in your darkest shadow. If they are out at that time, on any night, people have a tendency to just lose their shit. Otherwise respectable people become hard core and , ultimately, ridiculous.

Rejoining my friends at a cellar bar, the location was irrelevant. People were drinking. People were dancing. People were kissing. People were crying. Men were taking off their shirts and jumping around together in loose , messy circles. Men were holding other men back from hitting other men. Men were sat down, staring at other people having a good time. Some men were staring at women, some men were holding women, some men were laughing at women.

Jesus. Was I ever this awful? I am not even talking about the misogyny, although, fuck, I cannot believe that behaviour is still condoned in 2015. I am talking about the lack of fun. It just didn’t seem fun. It seemed intense, focused on proving to peer groups that this was a valid lifestyle choice, that this was the best way to go through a night. It seemed a little desperate. It seemed a little scary.

I left the party. I threw up a little in the street. I am not perfect. But I found a little corner that was not a shop front and upchucked because I had to. I walked the streets of Thursday and Kebab for a few moments. Snapshots of activity. Six people walking abreast, arms linked, forcing people to either side of them as they sang a song and kicked trash along the street. People running after other people, grotesque angry faces and fists raised. A woman walking alone arms folded and shivering, tears streaking her make up. A man making ‘Fight me’ eyes at me as he rolled past. Another man telling me the rumours were not true, he did not want to fight me.

Fight. Fight. Fight. Everything seemed so violent. I have never felt scared walking down Daegu at night. I have run away from people who wanted to hit me and I have sat down away from people who have punched me. However, those were specific things that led to a specific reaction. That was all personal. Last night seemed to have an edge of Impersonal Violence. I felt uncomfortable. I felt in danger.

Listen, I am sure some of this is due to the alcohol. Some of this is due to the cold. Some of this is due to the fact that I am getting older. Some of this is definitely due to the fact I now go out and do not know even a quarter of the people downtown. I understand that. Strangers are treated strangely, are regarded with strange eyes.

I understand all that and I still think something is amiss. In fact, I think we are so far from where we should be, we should ask for direction.

A police presence would not go astray. Responsible Barmen would not be a bad idea. Remembering the Line, ‘Nothing good happens after 2AM’.

Or I can just accept the fact my Inner Party Animal has Officially Retired. It has moved to Party Animal Homes, where it now looks forward to riding the Gym Bike, playing board games and hosting dinner parties. Where the prospect of sharing a wine bottle appeals more than downing a pitcher of beer. Where snuggling one person at 7PM at home sounds infinitely more appealing than hanging with my boys in a club, repping my crew. Jesus, that sounds hackneyed and childish.

Okay, Where are my pipe and slippers?

The Day And The Night

The world is split.  Man and Woman. Young and old. Rich and poor.  Us and them.  You and me.  In Korea the teacher crew is split in one distinct line.  Day walkers and  Night walkers. 

Regardless if wrong for this blog, this would be a fun battle. For about five seconds.

EPIKers, kindergarten and university types own the sun.  They keep hours our parents can understand, even if they can't understand time zone differences.  They wake up along with most of the Korean nation and sometimes go to sleep earlier than they ever did in their adult life.

How I sometimes imagine EPIK deskwarming could be.

The night walking shuffling masses of the hagwan arena rarely open their eyes fully before three in the afternoon. They might be walking around, they may make conversation but trust me, they are rarely conscious before their fifth cup of coffee.  And when they go home they think nothing of eating dinner at one in the morning.  And seeing the wrong side of sunrise is a regular occurrence. On a Wednesday night.

Thursday Morning. Like a boss.

To each tribe, the other is alien. Making friends across this divide is fraught with peril.  And, yes, trusted reader, I hear your inner monologue murmuring dissent. "Alien? Fraught? Where does he get off, making it seem like it's worse than a Capulet-Montague kegger. If the Montagues were old money and the Capulets were Jews."

Juliet! You COWARD!

First off turn off that inner monologue.  It has no place here. Second, hear me out.  Friendships start out easy enough. You meet at a bar downtown, or an event, or a sports 'thing'. I don't know how you make friends.
You hit it off finding you have just so much in common. You share interests and goals and visions.  You finish your platonic night together and walk off happily, knowing you just made a new friend. 

As Brian left Russell that night, he never realized he had just been Friendzoned.

However, you find that during the week it's like you are missing out on their social life.  Facebook trawling lets you see that they are doing things ( curse them!) without you. Day Walkers have the option here to at least have a late night. Staying out until two in the morning is a big deal if you are up at seven the next day. Night Walkers do not get that. At all. Two in the morning is equivalent to their happy hour. That is when things start to happen.  Going home to sleep is almost like, I don't know, giving up. 

Man, girls are just dicks to their sleepy friends.

And for a Night walker to get together with a Day walker is practically impossible. By the time Day Walkers finish work, Night Walkers are in the middle of their work day. Planning a lunch together takes military precision that even Camp Walker would find impressive. And even then it is only a scant moment together before the daywalker heads back into the work camps.

"Please stay a little longer." "Dude, BOUNDARIES!"

So, I issue this warning. When you meet your weekend friends, love them dearly. Just accept that for almost 72% of your time in Korea, you cannot hang out. And if that is not good enough for you, you should stick to your own time zone. 

Math is key to Friendship.Ask anybody. Anybody.

Then again, that is still infinity% more time than you can spend with your friends and family back home. So maybe I should just shut the hell up.