Do's and Don't Of Summertime

When contemplating the summertime, people in Korea relish the opportunity to, you know, really do something with their weekends. And when it comes to weekend activities Korea is Instagrammingly awesome.  As ever, with these moments there is a right way and a wrong way.  And, as ever, I have lists these impeccably.  Honestly, at this stage of the game I am nailing it harder than a hammer. A Hebrew Hammer, if you will.

Ha, remember when I did sports? No, me neither.

Going to a Sports Event

Do -  at this stage all the ex pat leagues have shut down, are shutting down or should be shut down.  Not permanently guys, just until next season. Luckily Daegu's bevy of sports franchises mean you can go to a game and watch professionals play the game you play, albeit with maybe a little less style or alcohol.

Unless this guy comes back from the dead.

Me and my friends.

An action shot of said sporting event.

Book your seats in advance, budget time and money, and you are almost guaranteed great memories that will be best expressed by facebooking endless photos of you and your friends' faces in some kind of stadium over and over and over again. Make sure to include one fuzzy image of said sportsman doing nothing in particular.  Now all your friends will be jealous.  

Don't- As  far as you are concerned, these overpaid hacks are embarrassing the noble game of baskbaseultisoftballs you have been championing for the last however many Sundays it took for you to lose in the first round playoffs to that bullshit team made up of probable semi pros who grew up together inventing the game.

Cue a joke about Chris Keeler and Paul Groba getting angry.

 As your combination of rage, depression, loss and sense of victimization swirl together in a cocktail of sweaty shitty beer and sweatier, shittier soju, remember this.  You are a paying fan, and paying fans are expected, nay obligated to tell players how, why and when they suck. Combine this with good acoustics, lack of English being spoken and small crowd turnout, you can really get inside that foreign player's head. Take the time to google everything about him and remind him of his failures as a husband/lover/student/mariachi, as well as reminding him his career has almost certainly not ended up the way he hoped.   The tears, they will taste so good.

So, so good.

Hiking - 

Do- check the weather on this one. Dress appropriately. Bear in mind snakes happen after rain.  I assume because the raindrops allow them to go freestyling down the slopes.  I don't know.  I hate snakes.

Look at that evil bastard.

Anyway, go early, so you really enjoy those views of tiny cities, or farmland.  Take photos, to prove you are totally into this thing.  Health, or whatever.  I don't know. Health, snakes, same same. Make sure you see that giant Buddha/stone/monastery.  Yep, holy introverts went out of their way to plant that shit right out if the way.  So you better find them and take pics. Holy pics.

"Seriously, is this guy just going film us praying? Because I need to fart and the bubbles are bad enough...."

 Oh, and take food and drink.  Do not be the guy in the group who 'forgets' and makes everyone give one bite of their food.  It is awkward for everyone.  I apologize again to the Apsan Tour of 2011. 

Don't -  This hiking seems to be like walking. Walking upwards through trees.  It doesn't seem that hard.  Step things up a notch.  Get to the mountain a day earlier than everyone else. As we all know, hiking is strictly set between certain hours probably.  Rig the mountain with just the right amount of landmines. Pay one class of middle school children to don war paint and teach them how to use bows and arrows.

Obviously not this bitch. She just hides. Like a bitch.

Release a crazy dude with a chainsaw and a motion tracker.  Any of these are good. However, whatever you do, wait until your friends are halfway up before you tell them your game changing plan. At the end of the day, as you shiver in a combination of fear and exposure, hiding next to the last monk standing in the shell of a burned out monastery, remember this.  It's not hiking if no-one dies.  I learned that from Predator. 

Should have stayed in Office, Dude-anator.

Going to Seoul 

Do - Don't.  

Don't - Do. 

You're welcome.

Enjoying Some Culture

Do - oh my days, Korea is full of culture.  And I'm not talking that Frasier Crane, sniff but don't swallow malarkey either.im talking soju wine tasting, bull fighting, herbs and medicine, mask making hootenannies.  I'm just saying rednecks and Koreans are probably related. And doing each other
 

Pictured, Evidence.

.  Enjoy doing the cheesy, rural bumpkin stuff. What are you, too good for a hay cart ride? You're probably from London, aren't you?  Or New York.  Or somewhere else where your heart has died. Well, compare fifteen different ginseng infusions and tell me your soul did not just leap up for joy.  

Every single person in this pic is living the dream, people.

Don't - approach Korean culture the same way you approach a crazy old lady. Open arms, smiling, yet be cautiously aware she could have a brick in her handbag. In fact, approach like you ARE a crazy old lady.  

Nailed it. And by it, I mean two out of three of these got some Hebrew Hammering. The chick said no.

These ladies seem to get deals and discounts and front of the line privileges.  I say dress up like one and enjoy your day out, first class Gangnam style. A moment for my writing as I reference such clichéd tedium. Allow your inner ajumma out.  Elbow anyone you like, especially, and this is the best part, other ajummas.

AJUMMA FIGHT! My money is on the garishly dressed one.

Get first dibs on the fairground rides. Refuse to pay for anything shouting "He stole my money!" and point at literally anyone. Finally, insist on getting someone else to give up their seat.  In the bathroom.  

ENJOY YOUR SUMMER!

Chest Beating Gets Reactions

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are all going to die! North Korea! AAAAHHH...Hmmm. Wait a second........



In recent weeks, the whole world has watched with bated breathe as North Korea has upped the ante.In March 2013, North Korea announced that it was scrapping all non-aggression pacts with South Korea, along with other escalations such as closing the border and closing the direct phone line between the two Koreas^. North Korea stated that it had the right to make a preemptive nuclear attack^. Following American B52 fly overs, North Korean state media announced that it was readying rockets to be on standby to attack U.S. targets.

I may have misheard. Sexily.

The non North Korean response was like a schoolyard full of big kids suddenly seeing the mullet kid with a samurai sword. It was mostly a mixture of 'Holy shit, we are all going to die!" with just a soupcon of  "Seriously? Can we just murder this fool and get back to Cops and Robbers?" For example, Russia has made it clear everyone should calm the hell down, while reminding North Korea isolationism does it no favors.

For most long time Ex Pats, this latest act of chest beating is eye rollingly embarrassing. We have relations back home who skype and mail us. They say things like, " Oh my goodness, You're all going to die!" Then we reply "Sigh. North Korea is just joking, Mum." The fact is, the North has announced that it will no longer abide by the armistice at least 6 times, in the years 1994, 1996, 2003, 2006, 2009, and 2013. That's standing up, going to the window and shouting as loudly as you can "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"               Then you continue to take it. Six times.

"I have no follow through!"

North Korea has one of the largest armies in the world, a power crazed egomaniac for a ruler who has a point to prove and a recent assassination attempt to shake off. Why the hell aren't we scared? Check here to see North Korea has over a million ground troops and all their funky toys for boys 150 KM above the DMZ. Check here to look over North Korea's history of misinformation with regard to its Nuclear weapon development. According to that second link, they probably have one or two nuclear missiles that would work on the peninsula.

"Seriously, Will, shave that off and we'll make you the biggest star in Hollywood."

So, shit. This whole time, while we have been laughing at ineffectual North Korea, they have apparently been getting ready to blow the crap out of the ROK. I am STILL not worried.I am not saying there have not been acts of aggression by the Northern Armed Forces.The Cheonan was sunk in 2010 and 46 South Koreans died. In 2009 , a number of North Koreans died. In 1999 30 North Koreans were killed in another skirmish.
 So let's say in the last 14 years less than 200 people have died as a result of North-South Fighting. That's terrible for those families but as a comparison, well it's nowhere on the List of wars and anthropogenic disasters by death toll.  BTdubs,China has five of the top ten on that list.

Not so much with the delivery. All about the taking out.

 Let's now add in the high levels of starvation in the North. Within their own borders, famine, concentration camps and purges have led to over 1.2 million deaths from 1993 to 2008. So, from the time most of you started High school to before you came to South Korea , the equivalent of one out of two people in Daegu died in North Korea at the hands of the North Korean government. If the Northern Infantry ever made it over the DMZ, they would stop at the first McDonald's and eat it. We should be more worried we run out of food than bullets. 

The best way to deal with the Northern Army

Assuming the ground forces ever get past the American forces. That is, the largest army in the whole world with the latest weapons, training and all around Roman Empire. I saw a thing for this. Wait, where did  I put it?

.Oh yeah, I remember now. So, look if you want to freak out about North Korea invading, go do that. There are too many other things for me to worry about. Meanwhile,

LOOK AT THE PUPPY!