Ten Cab Drivers I Have Met in Daegu

The Tic

You get in the cab, and he nods at you and drives on. He nods at the destination given. He nods at the direction given. Then he nods at a passing car. Then you start paying closer attention. This guy is not nodding, he is juddering. He is trembling. He is the Personnification of Parkinson's, and you are paying him to drive in the road. You butt cheeks tighten to Spanish Inquizition Clamping levels and you reflect on your life up until now. If you arrive alive, your hand is trembling almost as much as his when paying. Almost.

How to Deal With it- Get your seat belt on! Choose routes with minimal turns. Get out early. Reflect upon an economic system that has the elderly and infirm forced to work themselves to death.

The Hater

You get in the cab and they decide immediately there is a blood feud to settle. They seethe, they mutter, they hunch their shoulders. They listen to your destination with the kind of aggressive dismissal normally only associated with nerds learning you don't know the names of the robots in Star Wars. They take your fare ,never maintaining eye contact and if you try to hold them in conversation, even in poifect Korean, they will pretend something way more interesting is happening out of their side window.

How to deal with it: Talk. Talk all the time, in English, brightly commenting on everything that you see, comparing it to other things you. That white car is like that other white car but it's not quite the same, right? Those traffic lights are sometimes red, but sometimes green, but it doesn't really matter, right? RIGHT? Smile at him the whole time. Engage . Engage. Engage. 

The Misogynist

Getting in the cab with your female friend (you're a dude in this situation) she tells the cabbie the destination. He doesn't respond. She repeats her phrasing and there is no respons . Puzzled, you try. He responds with alacrity. He does not acknowledge the woman's presence. He jeers at women drivers. His actions make you want to apologise for men everywhere to your lady friend.

How to deal with it: guys, Come onto him. If he really only likes men, let him realise what that ultimately entails. If he reciprocates, you're in a game of Gay Chicken and you're in it to win it, Dagnamit.

The Creeper

You get in the cab, sitting in the front seat. On your journey you come to a red light. The cabbie looks at you for the first time. He looks you up and down, slowly taking you all in like a pedophile using a 28.8 modem. He leers at you. He asks if you're Russian. He admires your legs. He strokes and paws your leg. By the way, this is whether you are make or female. 

How do you deal with it: slaps, getting out without paying, photos of car licenses. No jokes, just sue the ever loving fuck out of that guy. Fuck that guy. 

The Repeater

You get in the cab and tell him you want to go to the Novotel. "Novotel?" He repeats, as he turns on the meter. "Novotel," you repeat staring at the meter drops down its initial timer. "Novotel," he repeats wonderingly, marvelling at the sound of those three syllables being used in conjunction for the first time. You say the same sentence inflicting every syllable in a different manner again and again, hoping to crack the codex that is this this cabbie's eardrum. The meter has lost half its initial 2800 value, then the cabbie has a language epiphany. "Oh noVOtel." Yeah , noVOtel . You dick.

How to handle it. Stop the meter. Push that button. It's amazing how much quicker language is learned when there is no incentive to do otherwise. Less dickish would be to bring written korean phrases. Being dickish again, would mean using supersize placards.

The Double Time 

When I talk to a person, and they don't respond I don't normally say it again. When I am forced to repeat myself to a cabbie. It is annoying.  When I try to engage them in conversation, and realise they only understand the second time I say something to them? Bewildering. I lapse into silence and stare out the window like some Fucking French movie.

How to deal with it. Say everything in threes. He won't know what's going on. Slowly his brain will fuse and the car will crash, exploding, ending both your lives on a rainy Tuesday. Ah, how like life. <inhales Gauloises>

The Stoner

This cabbie doesn't go more than forty km/h, and keeps turning round to look at you and smile beatifically. They'll ask all the usual questions about where I'm from and whether or not I like kimchi, but man, they really love your answer. Giggling to themselves, playing with the various electronic doodads, then turning to lok at you or slyly staring at you through the rear view mirror. Man, they are on some good shit. 

How to deal with it- dude, you know, like, the dude abides, man. Just RELAX! Ask some pretty deep questions. Assume their korean answers are exactly what you were thinking , man.

The Coolest

The unicorn of cabbies. Someone who is totes on your wavelength, speaks your language , is in the mood to discuss politics or sports, or music, or whatever the fuck you're into, and you just engage. This is what ex-pat living is about , man. Connection. Sorry, I'm still high for the Stoner. Also, their driving is impeccable, not just in terms of the Highway Cide. You wanted a fast cab, you got it. You wanted a safe cab, you got it. This cab is your heart's desire.

How to Deal with it- sad cowboy songs, a bar of chocolate, a pizza, old friends reruns. Breakups are bad, even when they are mutual and the relationship was only a cab ride long. Staring at the selfie you took of him and you together will only prolong the agony. Goodbye, sweet prince.

The Boy Race

You're in a rush so you say to the cabbie "BALI!BALI! BALI!" He turns to you and grins. He leans over to the glovebox and pulls out actual racing gloves. He puts them on reverently,he looks at you once more as he slowly slides on a pair of Aviator Sunglasses. As he starts the engine and takes on, you remember you didn't out on your seat belt, and suddenly everything has become a roller coaster, bothin physical form as he slews in and out of traffic, hand braking into corners and skidding around buses, because fuck buses, and almost emotionally. Will putting on a seat belt signify I'm a traitor to the cause of speed? Will it officially make me his bitch? I'm too young to die!

How to Deal With It- it's a roller coaster. Put your damns hands in the air and scream with the joy of a twelve year old. He will appreciate the tinnitus. It will sound like a colosseum of applause.

The StopGo

Brake. Accelerate. Brake, accelerate. Pump the gas, pump the gas, pump the gas. All the while gripping the automatic gear stick as if at any moment he will change gear. No you won't do that, you're in an automatic. Pump the gas, pump the gas. My neck is about to snap, my head is about to roll into my lap. I'm dying. This is what dying feels like.

How to Deal With it- Kill yourself. Just open the car door and roll out. End the misery.

Top 5 TV Father/Son Relationships - That weren't actually Father andSon.

Television, or as I like to call it, TV, has been around for so long it is a member of the family. As Homer Simpson says,  'father,  mother,  secret lover.' Sure,  frequently it gets violent, or sends out confusing messages. This for many people, is akin to their kin.

However, the characters on TV portray beautiful relationships. These relationships seep into our collective psyche as often idealized through rose tinted glasses. We refer to them as examples of how to do relationships correctly. The fact is that if we look at them, most relationships do not pass muster. Talking about Walter White and Jesse (I want to say Owens,or Eisenberg, but that is probably wrong) as a good parent/child dynamic works only if you ignore the inception, the duration, the environment and the ending of their relationship. Breaking Bad was probably the show's title purely because all the relationships failed so spectacularly.

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                                                               Bad Dad.

The best relationships, for me, are the father/son dynamics. A moment when a father gives respect to a son, or a son gives recognition for his father's efforts, those always pull my heartstrings. The most powerful are those where the father figures are not related to their young progeny. Not being related by blood shows the ties that bind in unlikely relationships have to rely moreHere on shared experiences and less on strained conversation during holiday dinners.

Here are five of the best, in my awesome opinion. Be warned, tearing up is going to be par for the course.  Unless you don't believe in television and, honestly,  if that's the case,  I just feel sorry for you.

5. Uncle Phil and Will Smith (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)

Why? Right off the bat, their names rhyme. That's beautiful, man. Uncle Phil was the ex activist turned successful lawyer turned judge who somehow converted leftist leanings into a palatial Beverly Hills Home. Will was the 16 year old hardened teenager forced to move by his mother from Philadelphia to Beverly Hills because she is just such a bitch.

Over the next six seasons, Uncle Phil and Will would find themselves opposing views, conflicting and creating syntheses like the tired old hack Socrates predicted. Uncle Phil would go on to be a successful judge and see his actual children grow up in a respectable manner.They almost always followed his rules and never really rebelled against the man who, to be honest, was a little draconian in his laying down of the law. Will was often the problem child. This independent streak was not particualrly tolerated by the big man. However, as time went on, Will would grow to respect the man who would save him from countless problems, whether it was jail or pool sharks.

  While not what I was talking about , this is a terrifying childhood fear brought into  perspective.

Video Proof of the Pudding

The crux of the relationship came when Will's real father was involved. An absentee father for fourteen years, he tries to bail on Will , leaving Uncle Phil to tell Will that he's gone. Phil refuses, incensed and Will's father is forced to uncomfortably say goodbye to Will himself. Will monologues afterwards on his hopes and aspirations,on his abilities to grow independent of his father. Will is just crushed. It culminates with Smith asking 'Why didn't he want me, man?" and Uncle Phil gives him the greatest bear hug ever known.

You are officially allowed to start crying now.

James Avery died January 2014 and a section of the world held its breath waiting for the eulogy from Will Smith.

"Every young man needs an Uncle Phil. Rest in Peace." He is absolutely right. A strong father figure, a blunt force on occasion, an example of what it means to have morals, integrity, the ability to work hard? I think that's a bloody good place to start.

4. Dr Cox and JD (Scrubs) 

JD was the lead in a show that relied on the classic M*A*S*H effect. First the whimsical humour, then the harsh reality. Cue tears and a smile. Get paid, get laid. Scrubs was one of the best shows of a generation, as long as you ignore the terriawful last season. If you apply Crystal Skulls Rules, you should be okay. If you don't know what Crystal Skulls is, you're doing fine. I apologise for all the terrible references. I have no excuses except this blog is being written in 2007.

JD was a puppy yearning to be an alpha dog. Cox was a snarling feral beast that ran out of fucks to give before anyone else on the planet. JD would play a role that at times recycled feelings and thought processes, until you were almost definitely sure the writers had Memento crania, Dr Cox grew. He grew from a surly taciturn man who was both incapable and of forming relationships, to accepting his role as a father and then as a husband, then as a part of a group of friends. And JD made that happen. No other person could be capable of getting through Cox's wall of personality defects. No other person would take the constant sniping, snarling, threatening and violence. Dr Cox was a terrible Mentor before John Dorian arrived at Sacred Heart Hospital. He was a loner who delighted in doing things with complete disregard for his coworkers, for his career or his interns.  JD was so desperate to have a good mentor , he forced Cox to change his lifestyle. JD taught Cox to care, so much so he ended up having a successful career and family.

Cox , on the other hand, taught JD to not care so much. Or not so little. His ability to curtail JD's emotional outpourings helped the boy grow up into a man, and the intern to become a confident doctor, father and husband. Dorian had John Ritter as an absentee father figure to account for his upbringing as a deranged  imaginative boy. When Ritter's character died, it was Cox who helped out both JD and his brother through the grieving process. 

    I think they follow a team called the Wheel Burners. I'm going to say ...a frisbee team?

Video Proof Of The Pudding

The love was FINALLY shown in the last episode. Sunny, a horrible vacuous terrible character that continued to show how badly women were written in this show,  tells Dr. Cox how glad she is that J.D. is finally leaving. Dr. Cox replies that he considers J.D. a talented doctor, a good person, and a friend. J.D. (who had planned this in advance with Sunny) is secretly behind him and hears the whole thing, finally hugging a mortified Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox then erases the smile on Sunny's face by reminding her she will be at Sacred Heart for a long time.

You can see it here.

Oh my days. The tears, they cleanse my soul. In a show that thrived on introspection and fantasy, Perry Ulysses Cox cut through the bullshit., He said Medicine is a terrible profession with terrible things that happen daily. And we loved him for it,goddammit.

3. Leo McGarry and Josh Lyman (The West Wing)

There were a few father figures on the West Wing, of course. Toby Ziegler represented the surly and disappointed id to both of his deputies, Sam Seaborn and Will Bailey.  Jed Bartlett was the benevolent uber patriarch who was gracious enough to let Charlie Young shtupp his daughter . However, it was the relationship of Leo and Josh, the respective chief and deputy chief of staff that became a personal favourite. Over the course of the West Wing's Seven Season run, the dynamic between these two managed to progress from simple boss and employee.  Loyalty was shown repeatedly in ever greater and hyperbolic manner. Leo is eventually superseded by Josh as the new President's Chief of Staff, and Leo is essentially hired by Josh by the end of season six to the second most important political position in the land.  

Leo's ability to separate the personal and the public was something Josh always struggled with. Josh's sexual relationships seemed driven by whoever walked into his office that week. When you are rooting for the will-they, wont-they couple that consists of Josh and his secretary assistant, something's askew. 

                            One of these two was aiming out of their league. You decide who.

However, Josh always had Leo to talk to, to be kept in check by, to express fears and self doubt. Without Leo's guidance, Josh would have been just another hard-nosed lizard brained young gunner on the Hill. With his guidance, he learned to formulate a wider vision and, ultimately, how to be a better politician and person.

Video Proof of the Pudding

Josh's job has been in jeopardy repeatedly on the show, and has consistently been protected by Leo. In this scene, Josh has just been diagnosed with PTSD. The subtext, the connection, the minimal exposure to feelings. They're so Connecticut, wasps want to hug each other.  Here, look at this.

http://youtu.be/ZQJ6yqQRAQs

The death of John Spencer mid season seven's filming led to a decision to have the death of the character happen onscreen. Josh's reaction is terrible to behold, especially since it is eerily reminscent of his actual father's death which occurs in flashback in season two.  The suffering and waiting and gnashing of teeth was performed well by Kristen Chenoweth.  However,  the silent lost nature of Josh was so honestly masculine. A character who had lost so much already had finally lost his unbeatable supporting structure. That scene is not on YouTube , possibly because it is utterly soul crushing. In a world so jaded and numbed, Josh's pensive mourning has not been collected for posterity by YouTube.

2. Bobby Singer and the Winchester Brothers (Supernatural)

Supernatural saw Sam and Dean Winchester killing all manner of supernatural creatures in a bid to protect Humanity's status quo. Bobby Singer is a friend of their father, a man who is also a hunter of said supernatural beings who also acts as an improbable frontman for all supernatural hunters, which somehow fooled all the law enforcement agencies in America supernaturally. Could I say Supernatural more often? has the word Supernatural become like the word smurf o you yet. Jesus, I've typed supernatural so much now, I'm supernatural. Supernatural.

The gruff Sam, the gruffer Dean and the gruffest Bobby. These guys made expressing emotions through choked out half formed sentences an art form. The closest Bobby comes to expressing his love is Bobby telling them "Family don't end with blood, boy."  More than once Dean tells Bobby he's like a father to him. Bobby has listed Dean as his official next of kin. "There are fundamental differences between Bobby and the boys' father, and as much as the boys clearly love their father in some ways they're more comfortable with Bobby. But everybody has parent baggage, and sometimes your playful uncle is a more fun parent figure than your real parents." This viewpoint was expressed by the actor playing Bobby,  and it's a valid opinion.

However their actions spoke volumes. Dean killed Bobby once while possessed by an Angel. Once that possession was resolved, Dean was crushed.  Bobby has been talked out of suicide by the boys, has helped get both boys ' souls from hell and has refused heaven to remain as a watchful ghost, protecting the brothers. That is above and beyond the call of a 'playful uncle'. 

                  

1) Tim Taylor and Wilson (Home Improvement)

Tim 'the tool man' Taylor was a terrible father and an even worse husband. His only excuse was that he clearly suffered from some form of mental deficiency. He was an idiot savant whose genius at boosting appliances was used instead of common sense. When he inevitably failed in his familial relationships, Tim was lost. he was lost to the point he was a gibbering caveman. It was pathetic really.

The only person who could help the moron was his next door neighbor, Wilson. Wilson would never show his face over the show's entire run time. Instead, he showed Tim how to socially interact with the entire world for every single situation, combination or permutation of issues. He was a camouflaged etiquette  teacher, a guidance counselor, a pre-divorce lawyer, a goddamn consilieri to the machined mafia.

Over eight years, with Wilson behind the scenes (and behind the fence), Tim learned to listen to his kids, respect his wife, respect his wife's friends, not make fun of fat people, be tolerant of other points of view and maybe not use nuclear power to improve his ice machine. Wilson not only saved Tim, he probably saved us all.

Nope.

Sorry.

I can't do this.

Tool time should not be number one. It clearly should have been Breaking Bad. Fuck you Disney execs who have my family at gunpoint. I'm not afraid of you.

HELP! help! We're being held against-

       HAHA! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!