Do's and Don't Of Summertime

When contemplating the summertime, people in Korea relish the opportunity to, you know, really do something with their weekends. And when it comes to weekend activities Korea is Instagrammingly awesome.  As ever, with these moments there is a right way and a wrong way.  And, as ever, I have lists these impeccably.  Honestly, at this stage of the game I am nailing it harder than a hammer. A Hebrew Hammer, if you will.

Ha, remember when I did sports? No, me neither.

Going to a Sports Event

Do -  at this stage all the ex pat leagues have shut down, are shutting down or should be shut down.  Not permanently guys, just until next season. Luckily Daegu's bevy of sports franchises mean you can go to a game and watch professionals play the game you play, albeit with maybe a little less style or alcohol.

Unless this guy comes back from the dead.

Me and my friends.

An action shot of said sporting event.

Book your seats in advance, budget time and money, and you are almost guaranteed great memories that will be best expressed by facebooking endless photos of you and your friends' faces in some kind of stadium over and over and over again. Make sure to include one fuzzy image of said sportsman doing nothing in particular.  Now all your friends will be jealous.  

Don't- As  far as you are concerned, these overpaid hacks are embarrassing the noble game of baskbaseultisoftballs you have been championing for the last however many Sundays it took for you to lose in the first round playoffs to that bullshit team made up of probable semi pros who grew up together inventing the game.

Cue a joke about Chris Keeler and Paul Groba getting angry.

 As your combination of rage, depression, loss and sense of victimization swirl together in a cocktail of sweaty shitty beer and sweatier, shittier soju, remember this.  You are a paying fan, and paying fans are expected, nay obligated to tell players how, why and when they suck. Combine this with good acoustics, lack of English being spoken and small crowd turnout, you can really get inside that foreign player's head. Take the time to google everything about him and remind him of his failures as a husband/lover/student/mariachi, as well as reminding him his career has almost certainly not ended up the way he hoped.   The tears, they will taste so good.

So, so good.

Hiking - 

Do- check the weather on this one. Dress appropriately. Bear in mind snakes happen after rain.  I assume because the raindrops allow them to go freestyling down the slopes.  I don't know.  I hate snakes.

Look at that evil bastard.

Anyway, go early, so you really enjoy those views of tiny cities, or farmland.  Take photos, to prove you are totally into this thing.  Health, or whatever.  I don't know. Health, snakes, same same. Make sure you see that giant Buddha/stone/monastery.  Yep, holy introverts went out of their way to plant that shit right out if the way.  So you better find them and take pics. Holy pics.

"Seriously, is this guy just going film us praying? Because I need to fart and the bubbles are bad enough...."

 Oh, and take food and drink.  Do not be the guy in the group who 'forgets' and makes everyone give one bite of their food.  It is awkward for everyone.  I apologize again to the Apsan Tour of 2011. 

Don't -  This hiking seems to be like walking. Walking upwards through trees.  It doesn't seem that hard.  Step things up a notch.  Get to the mountain a day earlier than everyone else. As we all know, hiking is strictly set between certain hours probably.  Rig the mountain with just the right amount of landmines. Pay one class of middle school children to don war paint and teach them how to use bows and arrows.

Obviously not this bitch. She just hides. Like a bitch.

Release a crazy dude with a chainsaw and a motion tracker.  Any of these are good. However, whatever you do, wait until your friends are halfway up before you tell them your game changing plan. At the end of the day, as you shiver in a combination of fear and exposure, hiding next to the last monk standing in the shell of a burned out monastery, remember this.  It's not hiking if no-one dies.  I learned that from Predator. 

Should have stayed in Office, Dude-anator.

Going to Seoul 

Do - Don't.  

Don't - Do. 

You're welcome.

Enjoying Some Culture

Do - oh my days, Korea is full of culture.  And I'm not talking that Frasier Crane, sniff but don't swallow malarkey either.im talking soju wine tasting, bull fighting, herbs and medicine, mask making hootenannies.  I'm just saying rednecks and Koreans are probably related. And doing each other
 

Pictured, Evidence.

.  Enjoy doing the cheesy, rural bumpkin stuff. What are you, too good for a hay cart ride? You're probably from London, aren't you?  Or New York.  Or somewhere else where your heart has died. Well, compare fifteen different ginseng infusions and tell me your soul did not just leap up for joy.  

Every single person in this pic is living the dream, people.

Don't - approach Korean culture the same way you approach a crazy old lady. Open arms, smiling, yet be cautiously aware she could have a brick in her handbag. In fact, approach like you ARE a crazy old lady.  

Nailed it. And by it, I mean two out of three of these got some Hebrew Hammering. The chick said no.

These ladies seem to get deals and discounts and front of the line privileges.  I say dress up like one and enjoy your day out, first class Gangnam style. A moment for my writing as I reference such clichéd tedium. Allow your inner ajumma out.  Elbow anyone you like, especially, and this is the best part, other ajummas.

AJUMMA FIGHT! My money is on the garishly dressed one.

Get first dibs on the fairground rides. Refuse to pay for anything shouting "He stole my money!" and point at literally anyone. Finally, insist on getting someone else to give up their seat.  In the bathroom.  

ENJOY YOUR SUMMER!

Why I don't like going in the ocean anymore

A standard frolicking on the beach involves me staying well away from the water's edge.  I can never go back into the ocean again.  

Last time I went in there, it was pretty scary.  Damn shark came at me.  Big shark.  Shark had teeth.  Luckily I had seen Tomb Raider 2, so I knew how to be sexy enough for it to think I was Jon Voight's daughter.  After that, I relied on its good filmic knowledge to recognize a Hollywood legacy. The shark had seen The Karate Dog.  Revenge was all it wanted.  

To be fair the last good film Voight was involved with was Holes and that was ten years ago and how old do you feel?

It opened its massive jaws. I grabbed the top mandible forgetting about physics,particularly the one about how sharks going forward and moving forces things through its mouth.   As my body was dragged into the gaping maw my feet found purchase on its infinite rows of serrated teeth.  My corns thanked me sarcastically. Pushing off with feet belonging on a Die Hard set I lifted myself out as the jaws came down and we broke the surface.  I could hear screaming.  It had too much bass to be my own I reasoned so I must still be in the game. I looped over the nose of the behemoth and rode it like like a monkey on a broomstick.  I could see it was taking me to shore. That was its first mistake. Shore meant land and land sharks were not a thing.  I laughed at it. 

"You stupid shark, I will crush you," I thought, as the remains of my urine soaked its right eye.  

             Seriously, everyone does it.  

We both hit the beach at the same time and suddenly I was a flying eagle.  Then, just as suddenly, I was a retarded turtle wedged into the sand. The shark bounced up the beach.  My brain went into committee mode, arguing the philosophical ramifications of this. 

"Did you see that?"

"Did you know it could do that?"

"That's not even a thing!"

"It's a thing! It's a thing happening right now!"

"Listen, I studied at some if the finest universities in the world-"

"Ooooh, you big liar, you...hang on, It's about to land on you."

            Like this. Only on a beach. 

The thought was right. About me not studying and about the shark. I rolled over, partly to survive and partly to show what the shark was missing out on. I do have some lovely man meat. I'm fat, is what I'm saying.  The shark landed on the sand and fixed its one good eye on me balefully. The other eye had gone the way of Ammonia. G-d bless nitrogenous waste products and the micturative process. Hmmmm, maybe I did study a little.

                  "My eye! Why?"  

      "Because, shark, you are a shark."

I stared down the shark.  It was not impressed. It bounced again, another twenty foot front drop that BAGA trampolinists could only dream of.  I scrambled to my feet and waited for its fall.  I had one shot.  I prepared my deadly Muay Thai kick.  The one move I ever did right at Fight club.  A monstrous affair, combining science and joy with generous seasonings of rage and frustration.  

"This is for my prom, Andrew Fletcher" I whispered.

   I waited all night for you to pick me up. 

  As the shark came down I brought my leg perfectly into its eye and kicked through the animal's skull. The animal spun backwards and fell, never to rise again.  

So, apparently, it's really easy to confuse a land shark with a helpful dolphin.  Also, I've been banned from going in the ocean ever again. 

THE END

Thoughts inside my student's head

"Good afternoon teacher!"

Oh man, I hate myself.  I am such a phony.  Every single way that statement could be taken is a lie.  I'm not having a good afternoon at all. I wish I could just be honest with him.  Oh no, he's asking what day is it today. I don't know, David Teacher, if that's even your real name. I DON'T KNOW.  I know it's a simple exercise. I get what you're saying. Please don't repeat the question.  Everyone's staring at me.  I have been up since five this morning just crushing my brain with endless lists and rote repetition. I don't even know what ideas are my own and what has been implanted. Now you want me to bring in sequential time period ordering?  You're an asshole.  Okay, calm down. It's either a Tuesday or a Friday.  Today, Mom cried over her rice because the Soju had not been cleared up. Friday then. 

"Friday, teacher."

Yeah, yeah yeah. Don't you give me your bullshit congratulations.  Just walk on, fat man.  Oh man, what time is it? It must be time to go home soon.  Forty three more minutes?! Noooooooo!  This can't be right.  It might not be.  The clock looks blurry.  Hell, everything looks blurry. Four hours sleep a day makes light tracers around everything.  Soooo pretty.  

Homework time, huh? You are one sick bastard, David "teacher". It's one thing to make me listen to your voice on MY computer in MY house during MY time.  It's messed up that you're talking about things you like to do in your free time. I accept you are all about the cruel and unusual.  But making me mark my own work in class? You're a dick, dude.  Straight up douchenozzle. So no, no I will not call out the answers with you.  This is not a game. This is not a team sport. 'We' are not a team.  You are not my captain.  You're the enemy. I'd kill you if I thought you had a soul.  

Oh thank whatever religion my parents are into.  It's over.  Now we just have to relax and wait for the bell to... Thirty five more minutes!? How did this not end? Why does Time and Space hate me so much? 

Okay. This is awkward.  Polar Bear Teacher is looking at me and smiling.  What do you want, you foreigner? Wow, am I ... Racist.  Nononono, I can't be. I'm Korean.  Koreans can't be racist. That's just good science. What does he want?  I will express my confusion at the situation and ask if be could repeat the question.  

"Teacher?"

Nailed it.  He's talking again. Gah.  This guy and his words.  Read the passage? What passage,dude?  I don't even have my book open. Do I have my book? Yes, there it is.   Time to look industrious.  Open the book and we're turning pages and we're turning pages and there's the last page and we're turning back and we're turning back and we're looking at my neighbor's book and we're turning to that page and done. Made it. How do you like them apples, huh, teacher? Huh? On the right page and everything.  

What? You want me to read now? I just turned to the right page. Fine.  Work me to death.  Come on neighbor point to where we are.  Dependable neighbor. Ok' Reliable. I hate you, neighbor.  

"Before bed, he enjoys taking a stroll, reading a book and watching television."

What the hell am I reading? Seriously, what are we reading? Is the teacher self promoting? Well done for having so much time free to walk around, read a book and watch TV.  You have us in a classroom, it's a beautiful day and boasting about how awesome your life is.  That's bullshit.  And everyone else is just reading it?  Open your eyes, people! He's  toying with us!  

Oh, a question to answer. What would you like to do in your free time? Pretty ignorant question if you ask me.  Which you did. Man, that answer space looks huge. What is that four, five lines?  Hang on, would.   I see. They are asking what would I do if had free time? Well, at least they acknowledge I have no free time.  That's something.  Man what would I do?  If i had free time? That's  a huge question.  Fly a dragon right into this academy, have my reptile monster tear you limb from limb, teacher.  Eat an ice cream as my neighbor screamed and laugh as his face was covered in filthy foreigner blood.  Invent a time in the day when everyone has to stop moving and just hum and the whole world joins in and the sound leaves the atmosphere and aliens hear us and realize that finally, true human unification has occurred and we are ready for them to give us the next evolutionary leap.  Sigh. Express that in four or five lines.  Unlikely. Here we go.  Yeah.  That will work.  Fat Boy Teacher is looking at you. He must want your answer.  

"Sleep."

Good enough. 

Man, I sure hope life after kindergarten gets easier.  

Phone Noir

Phone Noir.

The day began as ever, with hazy recollection of the night before.There had been Soju.  I knew that.  There had been shouting and finger pointing.  There was always those things with Soju.  

There had been boasting.  Manly boasting.  Big man boasting.  Anthony talking about his big brown beauty.  Nick talking about his woman and how they liked playing with her magic hole.  Jeremy and how his could light up his whole life. And I was jealous, gorram it.  Jealous like a fox.  And I said the stupidest thing ever.

"Fine.  I'll get a phone as well."

I swore I would never get a phone again, not after last time. I swore I would never go back.  I made a promise to myself, to my lady... Damn. 
 She might leave me if I got back into that world.  I walked away from all of that.  And now I was going to go back into the Lion's Den.  

I scribbled a note. "Gone shopping. Back soon."  The sin of omission weighed heavy like an Eskimo woman's nipple in the dead of winter. I pulled out my bag and felt the cold steel inside. History repeating.  I strapped the holster and checked my magazines were still oiled. 

I hate shopping for phones. 

I walked to SK towers.  I hoped I could avoid seeing him. There was enough blood poured on the pavement every day.  I did not want to add to it, one way or the other. The towers had three phone shops.  Get in, get the phone get out. Avoid the smartphones.  Avoid the contracts. Avoid getting contracted.  Avoid him. But the world has spun. The corner qook store, deserted.  The subway KTF, nothing more than whitewashed windows. The roadside LG, nothing but a pair of massage chairs left in the place. Someone had squealed. Someone ratted me out.



He knew I was coming.  He knew I was coming for a phone. 

I tried. I went to Beomeo.  I wanted to not go to that place again. I would do anything to avoid that place. I could not risk letting my inner beast unleash. I went to Dunkin and got my Cuppa Joe and a cream cheese beigel.  The girl seemed so innocent. 

"Do you know where I could buy a phone around here?"

"Oh no, sorry.  No phone stores here, David."

She knew my name.  Dammit! I felt a cold sweat, I wanted to pull the piece there and then and let hellfire take us all.  Get a grip. That's what he wants you to do.  I smiled and walked away. I looked next door where the Olleh Superstore put paid to her lies, put the punch line to his joke. 

Well, shit, two can play this game. 

I walked into the superstore and walked up to the prepay counter. The two salesmen looked at me uneasily. I looked at them hard and long like something pornographic. I sauntered over to one of the plastic desks and sat down.  I slowly ate my beigel letting crumbs fall on their floor. They looked at the floor, the ceiling, one of them even started to gorram dust the counter.  I chewed my last mouthful then stood up suddenly. They dove behind the counter. Pussies. Then again, this was never in their pay grade. They thought it would all be shiny suits and grabbing girls off the street. They didn't think I would ever be back. I thought about making an example of them. Then I remembered my mission. I wouldn't have enough bullets as it was. 

I walked to the door , my silhouette fill the room.

"Tell him I'm coming." 

______________________________________________

The subway ride was exactly as expected.  The carriage cleared as I sat down, two ajoshis staring at me from the exits. 


I stared dead ahead. History repeating.  Get the phone.  Get out. No contracts.  No 4G. No more blood than absolutely necessary. Banwoldang music playing like a bagpipe of retribution. I got up and tipped my hat to the old men. They shook their heads in amazement. 

"You crazy bastard, I hope you live," their blank gazes seemed to say.  Up into the sub mart.  Twin Ollehs marked their territory here. I knew it was futile.  I knew it was only sucking time from a vacuum.  I knew I wouldn't just do what he wanted. I walked into one and could feel the eyes from the salesmen from the other store throwing daggers. I knew I couldn't be long. My stoic outward appearance belied the manic laughter in my soul.  The monster was coming out of its cage. I approached the counter. 

"Hi, my son needs a phone.  We're looking for one of them iPhone Sixes with the Darth Vader hyperzoom big screens, bi enough to take a picture of the moon at scale. It's gotta have retina control, remote control, raisin control. You hear me, I want it to control raisins!"

"Um, no English ."

"Sure, I hear ya, I hear ya.  How about one of them satellite phones? I'm talking Vietnam, drop the rain!"

The unmistakable sound of lacquered leather shoes running made me smile at the poor boy. His friends were coming to save him. Only thing, who was going to save them?

I grabbed the boy and dragged him over the counter. I dragged him out to the fountain forecourt and threw him towards his five compadres. They skidded to a stop on the tiled floor. One fell in the fountain. 

"Boys, we can do the easy way or the -" I began. 

They screamed and ran at me. I smiled. Okay then. The really easy way.  

The blood washed well enough away.  The ajummas' screams would take longer. Focus.  Just get the phone. I walked past the police station. They were closed.  Figured. They would not want to get involved in this.  Not on this day.  Not after last time. 

Phone street. Son of a bitch. My own hell cycle.  Shop after shop after shop all run by the man, an army of ill fitting shiny suits and polo shirts.  A cacophony of K-Pop.  They all walked out of their shops and they carried enough to drop King king. All this for little old me. And then he came through them.  

Damn The Man.  He smoked his skinny cigarette like a Korean movie gangster, that is to say, like a geek sucks on a strawberry milkshake. He smiled his oh so cool little smile.  "He thinks he won," I thought.  "He might be right," a thought betrayed. "You're old. You might be too old to do all this again." "Shut up, brain. I have no time for you."

"David, it is good to see old customers again." Strawberry milkshake sucking.  "I thought we agreed it would be better if you didn't come here again. You chose your phone.  How is she?"

I smiled, masking my grimace. Hiding my torment. Stuck in WiFi purgatory, a mask of perfection hiding the grim inoperative reality.  

"I want a phone.  No reason to lose anymore of your boys". 

"We have many fine Korean smartphones.  Pick one. We have great two year contracts. Do you have your alien registry card?"  The Man started to laugh.  His men started to laugh.  Dammit.  The beast was already out. Oh well. 

"I don't want your skinny breakable pieces of shit that last two hours fully charged.  I want a brick. I want a solid piece of European fashion.  I want twelve hours at ten per cent. I want to play Snake and feel the luxury.  I want a gorram Nokia 3210."

The guns slid into my palms and the weight felt so good. 

"And no contracts!"

________________________________________________

....I don't know how much time passed. Hours, minutes, seconds, microns.  All I knew as I limped away blood coagulating around my calf, the smoke tearing my eyes, the screams pinging through my ruptured ear drums, all I knew was this.  

You couldn't change the situation.  This is phone town, Jack.  

But I got my phone.