Intermission

Okay. Thought I would write something today. I am in the middles of so many different things that if I don't take note of them they will be finished and there will be no record of their existence. Not that it matters. This is not actual man walks on moon history. This will not make it to a child's textbook but whatever.

I'm about to perform the play Cock, written by Mike BArtlett. It's a funny, sharp play and I am glad I only have the smallest part. Some of the monologues are vicious long. We perform on Saturday and Sunday and then I am probably going to leave the Theatre Troupe.  The inidividuals involved are jolly nice people but....Stevie and Ed. Man I miss those guys. So after this, I am going to take a massive step backwards. I'll finish wriitng the TEFL play and palm it off on someone else to direct. I do not think a lot of people will notice. He says typing it on a blog read by thousands around the world.

I am procrastinating about my CV and cover letter. I need to find time to do it. Here is time and I am writing this blog instead. Well, that is what procrastination is, isn't it? The cover letter I got from my friend as an example blew me away. It made me realize how my TEFL teaching has taken a pounding from from consecutive Hagwan teaching standards. It's embarrassing to think of my teaching philosophy.

I am nearing the end of 30 days of reflection.  SO many small things happened that were not noteworthy on their own merits but there has been a trend. A trend of recognition. Spotting something to do with gambling. A TV show having a gmabling scene, or dialogue involving going to the casino.  Finding old one dollar chips in my bedroom. Youtube still insisting I want to watch old WSOP episodes. I have not clicked on them. I have gotten Swishled tipsy a couple of times but have felt no inclination to go running off tot he casino. I have made it through phase one of economic recovery phase two is the next forty days on 700,000 won. A piece of piss if I do not piss it away.

Working at  my school is interesting still. I love my children. THey are super fun. I like writing questions because yes, it is boring and it does hurt my fingers to type all day. At least it gives me prupose, money, accomadation, food.  Plus, my school is chill enough to let me go out to get my own food and eat in in the school hours. I took a bottle of rum in my backpack o give to my friend yesterday. It smashed in my bag when i put it down on the floor. MY school stunk of rum. I explaned the situation to my bosses and they smiled and said 'okay.' That is frankly awesome. My life is not perfect, nobody's is, but mine could certainly be a lot worse.

Thirty Days - Day seven

Well, think about repressing something long enough, your subconscious takes it as a signal to look at it a lot.  Last night I had a poker dream. Sat down at the table with a bunch of no names in a hotel front room I sat down and played 27 pounds.  I literally played one hand which created so much ago y fir me i ended up folding. That's right even in a dream game I am a short stack loser who can't play.  Seriously folks this dream had all my chickens come home to roost.  As wolverine said they had some mighty big claws.  It had motifs from all my previous schools plus elements of theft and conning.  Waking up ashamed is not pleasant.  Still, as the lady says, don't feel shame.  Just recognize a clean break and stick to it.  

Played a board game with friends on a Saturday night.  It was complicated, it was stationary, it was fun.  It's good to remind myself having fun in a social situation doesn't need an edge of adrenalin.  I did not feel pumped up at this table like you get at the poker table.  Actually no, one time.  There's a rule in this game that if there is a tie situation, the king who is a third player makes a decision.  I had been the King the first game and crushed every one. I won it easily.  Now in the second game everyone gunned for me. I was in a tie situation and the King made his decision. He dramatically paused.  And the universe expanded in time  a choice that would benefit or hurt me. I was  99.99% to lose there was this chance.  He looked at me and my breath actually caught.  He chose the other guy and I lost the battle.  

That rush, knowing you're bound to lose but there's this chance. That's gambling. True gamblers feel nothing when they bet everything knowing they cannot lose.  Four of a kind is boring.  But putting ten cents on the line  on a half court shot? When that ball is the air? When there is a moment when something unlikely will occur? That's the essence of the rush for me.  

Day seven. Internet experts say that day seven is a low point. It's when your body hits you with cravings, needs, to have that pleasure giver reintroduced into your system.  Well, today I will not gamble.  And I'm hoping I don't gamble tomorrow.  We will see.  I certainly drank and smoke last night. I went through five rum and cokes two screwdrivers and a pitcher of beer. I had two cigars. Socialization was a thing I needed. And here I can go both ways on the whole social drinking/smoking thing.  Ill say that, for now, quitting smoking is back burners to the second half of my thirty days.  

Thirty Days - Day Four

This is not day four.  This is day six.  Day four to six have followed similar patterns.   I am not trying to quit smoking or drugs.  I am not having cold sweats, I am not freaking out.  Gambling is not like that.  You don't get a fix.  You don't make excuses during the day, justifying your decision.  Gambling is not like that at all.  Not for me anyway.  

I'm colour blind.  I don't mean that black white all men are equal.  (Although they are, it's probably a good idea not to discount a man's cultural heritage but that's a different conversation ) I don't see the colours like other people.  I see them merge.  I don't see them as separates. Other people can say that's green or that's brown  even when they are green - brown they can say with authority which colour dominates. I can't do that.  I can't see when they switch.  Bear with me. Now, look at a light sign.  It changes colours.  You see it as a movement, a trick of the mind. Sometimes I do. Most of the time I do. But sometimes I see it as a switch. A binary moment so infinitesimal that if you do it pay attention you will not spot where or when it happened.  

So, this impossibly small moment of time when everything changes and a blurring of what is one state and what is another that is what gambling is like for me.  It's why when I sit down and play poker, I don't get up until I'm out of chips or everyone else leaves. Does that even make sense to other people?  I imagine  if anyone ever reads this, they'll think I'm an idiot.  Which, to a large extent, is valid.  Knowing you have a problem that can Be removed by just not sitting down at a table.  So don't do that.   So I won't.  

30 Days : Day Three

Well, yesterday was day three. I would say there was no particularly dramatic moments. I noticed one other thing about me on Day Two I didn't mention. When in a cab, I have been a dick. This might have been funny when I was younger. I think it makes other people uncomfortable now. The fact is, I  think I am better than a lot of the Koreancab drivers. Not a better human being. I think I can drive more efficiently. I can see the changes in flow of traffic quicker than they can. This is going back to that whole getting a concept quicker than other people, then being frustrated by having to wait for them. Well, that usually manifests itself in wanting cabbies to run red lights or break the rules. ANything to shave thirty seconds off my travel time. Nikki was recently in a cab accident and my best friend in Korea had a car crash herself. I think I should look at thos warning signs and Be More Patient.

I had a little beer with dinner and no cigar. These are not things I generally miss during the week. I was on that Facebook messenger ASAP. I miss people a lot. I like it when people ramble on about random shit. I like being a part of that . It is camaraderie. It is welcoming. I hate finding out people are having a party and they have not invited me, especially when they invite so many others from my circle.  Firstly that shows up in my feed repeatedly. Way to shove it in my face. Secondly, to invite one person sends off shoots of thought in your brain. There is association . SO my name did come up in thoughts but was then rejected. That is disturbing.

I wanted to watch a poker show last night and Nikki reminded me I am not doing that anymore. I got angry for a moment. Then I remembered I did say that. Nikki is being really supportive of me. She is not being enabling supporting but rather the gentle but firm lady that makes me love her more and more.  So I ended up watching Russian kids doing Parkour and QI. Talk about not helping! Watching physical and mental specimens so far out of my league. How is that supposed to make me feel? Actually, I loved the shows.

Cigars = 0
Alcohol -= <1 pint of beer
money spent = 8,800 on lunch, 1100 on bus, 1300 on chocolate (for Nikki)

Things I amtrying to change at this point:
Quit Gambling
Quit Smoking
Slow Drinking Down
Find a New Hobby
Be More Patient

Do's and Dont's of Eating with your Korean boss

Oh my days, the after work dinner has to be the worst experience ever. No, I'm not talking about you teachers who are besties with your boss. I'm not talking about your line manager who is Canadian or whatever. I'm talking that dreadful time, being forced to celebrate with your boss that no one got murderdeathkilled during your stupid summer/winter/random/fuck you program.

Watch it again and again. That monotony and sense of pervasive death. This is Summer Camp.

Whatever. You tried literally throwing up a lung to avoid this shindig of hell but to no avail. You're in. Now you're in a political minefield. It can go two ways. You can carefully negotiate your way across this tricky expanse, sighing and sweating the while way through. Or you can take it at a dead run, arms up like a Muppet, laughing insanely and letting the chips where they may.

The Right Way.

The Wrong Way.

 
1. Sitting down.
Do - Stand around until your boss tells you where to sit. Be happy wherever he chooses to place you. Next to the boss? Touching you in new places?  He must love you. As far from him as possible? Possibly behind a pillar? He must respect your privacy. By the door? He must not want you to overheat.In winter.

"This is my seat? Thanks Boss, You're really thinking ahead."

Don't. - Getting the party started right is essential so I say sit down right next to your boss, on his shiny ass suit if possible. Hold him close. Whisper that this is going to be a magical night neither one of you will forget. Look him in the eyes to make sure he understands. He gulps. He understands.

These guys know what I'm talking about.

2. Drinking - do not drink unless drunken to. That was the rule at my Uncle George's house and it's a good rule in Korea. Don't make a Toast. Don't drink by yourself. Don't you dare. When your boss makes a toast, wait for him to finish. You will be like a living statue on a beach promenade. When everyone else drinks, look away and drink. Use your other hand to hide your drink from your boss. This camouflage is perfect; he'll never know.

Better hidden than Wahlberg in Sniper. Better plot as well.

Don't - Order more drinks. I mean, this is a staff do, right? That whiskey ain't gonna drink itself say up there on that dusty shelf. You deserve a few shots. Plus, the school has an unlimited tab. Challenge your boss to chugging beer. Laugh when you finish and they don't. Laugh when they politely decline. When your boss makes his speech have prepared zingers in Korean to help him out. Jokes about his wife, children or mother? Perfect.

Wrong. All wrong. There's no Korean flag.

3. Pouring a new drink
Do - keep an eye on your party. If your boss has an empty glass, pick up the bottle with one hand and grip your arm with the other. Pour when he lifts his glass up. Stop when he gives the minuscule upward motion with his glass, indicating his preferred level. Put the bottle down. He is going to fill your glass up. Hold it with two hands. When you are satisfied lift it softly up. Drink if he drinks. Otherwise sit back and wonder what you would look like in a Geisha costume. I think you'd look good. 

Damn Good.

Don't. - motherf*ckers ain't s*it. These glasses are too small y'all.

That's why you brought along your baby from home. You called it The Hobbit. It's a 2000cc pint glass. That might not make sense to your boss or coworkers but they should just shut their pie holes. Beer is good. Start to insist on rubbing your boss's belly, you know, for luck.

Better luck than this guy ten seconds after the picture was taken.

 Every time you do it, you should whisper in his ear "we should have a baby". Giggle and burp. Copiously.


Ordering food
Do - depending on your Hagwon and your boss, you could have a traditional galbi, or fried chicken, or fancy stuff. Like Seahouse. Whatever happens, accept the food in your plate. You don't have to eat it all. I mean, maybe you don't need that re-sign contract after all. Get your head out of your arse and back in the game! Actually sometimes, the food will leave you. True story, one time at a fancy restaurant we got this tubeworm. Already a terrible story, I know but wait, there's more. The chef cut this thing up in front if us like a Starship Troopers science lesson and place a still moving section on all of our plates.

Me and two other teachers did not want to eat what look like penis shaft so we left it on our plates. Then it totally T1000 the hell off our plates. they started heading towards each other. Luckily our boss saw them and chopsticks one by one in his mouth until his mouth was full of sliced cock worm. I told you it got worse.

Don't - Throw a hissy fit over the food choices.

The food can always stand to be improved by ordering McDonald's. and you just know the most expensive thing on the menu will be über awesome. If you get something squiddy, I say you OldBoy the shit out of it and one shot it like a boss.. Bonus points if you dangle it out of your mouth and gargle. Double points if anyone recognizes your impersonation of Cthulu. Whatever you do, do not forget to do the chopsticks as walrus thing. That shit kills.

Frickin' Comedic Gold

The bill
Do - shut up and hope this suckfest is done. Your boss should pay for everything. If they don't call the Labor Board I guess? Smile brightly and thank your boss profusely for making you eat with him.Wave goodbye to everyone awkwardly and walk away without looking back. You are going to be able to not be a part of the after party.

Don't - Everyone knows Boss Man is gonna pay. Especially since you have said that exact sentence to every person in the bar in a perfect Macho Man Randy Savage way. However, to spice things up you insist on snatching the bill out of his hands and demanding everyone cough an equal amount of money. Go on about how in YOUR country there is such a thing as Going Dutch and that doesn't mean wearing clogs.

Or A Dutch Going.

This speech is important. People should value your country's heritage and this is the perfect forum to start that moment off right. Stand on the table and say the speech loudly. Gesticulate like a movie football coach in a locker room at halftime. If you can nudge a half filled beer mug into that guy-you-don't-like's lap, awesome sauce. Only when people start to pull out their wallets do you grin and tell them it was a joke. Now they understand your country's humour. You're helping. Try to pick your boss's pocket. That look on his face when he goes to pay? Literally worth all the money in his various credit cards.LET'S NORAE BANG , BITCHES!

 If this is you, you're on the internet as a noraebang search. You're welcome.

The Day After
Do - Make no reference to it. Pretend it never happened. Act as if refreshed and glad to be working for a man who is soooo fucking generous.

Don't - sleep it off at work wearing the same clothes from the night before. Did these guys not listen to your tabletop speech last night about cultural heritage? You Rudy-ied the shit out of that thing. Wear sunglasses in the office. Ask to go home early.  Set the trash can on fire. Walk out one hand held high. Breakfast Club Credits, Judd Nelson moment. You're welcome, world.

30 Day to Sort Myself out

This posting is not like the others. It will not be written for the Cracked Humorists. It will not be full of swear words in lieu of genuine feelings. It will not have pictures. If you stumbled on this by accident hoping for another list of do's and dont's, click out. In fact, since I am mostly writing this for myself, don't judge my ability to entertain through this piece.

I am resolved to finish this blog based on the events of this past weekend. It is clear to me, I need to take a stand against a thing that has been a major problem in my life. It has consistently undermined me at every opportunity. It has led to friendships dissolving, My family and friends distancing themselves and I fear it is happening again. No, I know for a fact it is happening.

I have an addictive personality. When I was fourteen I got into Warhammer Fantyasy TABLETOP gaming. I got into it in such a way, I ended up buying blister packs until I had no money. I Had a 4,000 point Dwarf army. That is just stupid. Most battles only need 1,000 points worth of troops. I had four times as many. It happened because I could only think about what regiment I would do next. Sad on many levels.

I started smoking and never really stopped when I was fourteen as well. It got to a point where I would bike down to behind my swimming pool and smoke by myself there. I just wanted to be really good at smoking. I wanted to know all the tricks. The invert waterfall, the smoke rings, the finger flick, I wanted to be the best at smoking. People see me now without a cigar and they act surprised, even if it is on a Wednesday morning and I am on my way to class.

I started drinking when I was young enough to drink well. I always drink well. I have that under control. I am not an alcoholic. Thank goodness. That would probably end me. But the fact is, I am a liberal dirnker and that has led me to drinking too much occasion. I have suffered from alcohol poisoning. I have done stupid regrettable things. Some of those things have led to me losing friends.

So Smoking and Drinking. What's the other bugbear? This. I have an existing gambling problem and this is far worse than the other two. Drinking and smoking adversely affects others in a minor way. Gambling destroys everyone else around me. I have a gambling problem. And I don't want it anymore. There.

Gambling and general overspending of money. They have led me to not having the things I want, to not having been the places I should have gone to. So the next thirty days are going to be all about sorting that out. Because, I am not alone in this world and my actions have consequences. I have a list of goals. They are ever changing. However, no matter what they are, gambling and over spending are stopping me from achieving those goals. This might be obvious to some people. It might be obvious to everyone but me. Still, I am now at the same place as you guys.

Day One - I think being around people right now is not a good idea. I I am a social creature. I love doing what other people are doing. I love knowing what other people are doing. I love getting people to do what I am doing. However, right now, if I am going to sort myself out, I want it to be me. I want no advice. I want no morale boosting moments from friends. This has to be me doing it for myself.

To that end, I have started by removing all the poker apps on my phones. They sure make it easy to play games on the go. Or watch games in a coffee shop. I have removed all the program files from my computer. There were a lot Of different sites I would go and lose on. In the past I have deleted the files. However, this time I am going to request they block me from their site. I am sure a gambling company must have that safeguard in place for people just like me. I will make a similar call to the Daegu casino. Going to the casino should be a fun, enjoyable controllable experience. Without that last part I am not entitled the other parts. I also deleted the Facebook and messenger apps. If I don't know what my friends are doing I won't want to do them myself. It will be interesting to see how many notifications I get in a month.

In terms of spending money I am going to keep track of how much money I spend every day. In fact ill be keeping track of alcohol, smoke and money just to see where I am. Maybe keeping a record will lower my numbers as well. Regardless I have a total of 190,000 to last either seventeen days, or twenty seven days. I think the second one is feasible. I spend 2400 every day in getting to and from work. That's 37500 right there. That leaves me with 150,000 to eat with. That's 50,000 a week for food. That should be enough. Lets face it, I can stand to lose a bit of weight. Portion control and monetary control appears to be going hand in hand.

End of the first day. I'm eating the last of the turkey bacon and eggs. My friends are at the fortnightly film club I help run. I am not there with them. It sucks I am not with them but they know what I'm up to and they support me. That means a lot. They are fine friends. I'm eyeing the tuna cans and the chicken curry sachets. My stomach is grumbling.

End of Day One.
Cigars=0
Alcohol = 2 glasses of wine.
Money spent = 7,000+2,400 =9,400

30 Days : Day Two

First desires. Want a cigar.  Was reminded sharply by Nikki I have no money for cigars. She's right. I drank some beer left over from sausage fest.  Although since I budgeted 7,000 a day and I only spent 5,000 today I could totes   buy a cigar. Uh, I just shouldn't though.  Save that 2,000.  Ha! Found one!

Smoked outside. Realized when I YouTube something outside I watch poker videos this reminds that my interests have narrowed again.  It always happens when I obsess about one thing. It happened with Warhammer, it happened with Basketball, it happened with things-I-cant talk-about-because-I-live -in-Korea , and it has happened with poker.  When I started listening to podcasts I listened to three different poker news podcasts THREE! Like, how much poker news can there be? I got into Brian Posehn's dungeon and dragon podcast because it was called Nerd Poker. Luckily, that turned out to be one of the best podcasts in the history of ever. Poker cannot be the only thing I'm into.  Especially since I'm not going to be playing it anymore.  What do I like?

Things I like 

Cooking

Writing

Shit.  That list is really short.  I like watching sports but not seriously.  Watching England play football is embarrassing. Watching Arsenal play is soul crushing. American sports are great fun but I can't see me starting to follow a team now. When I get to South Africa maybe ill like rugby.  

I enjoy current affairs and science but  those are not things I would dedicate my life to.  Damn, I need a hobby.   

End of Day Two
Cigars=1 White Cat
Alcohol = one pint beer
Money spent = free breakfast and dinner were both massive treats.  4,500 won total

5 Do's and Don'ts at Mudfest

Mudfest is considered by some the highlight of their Korean social calendar. Others think it is a frat party in the rain for people who never got enough in college. I think they should all shut up and recognize why it can be be both.  That said, sometimes the Festival of Mud can sometimes get a bit out of control. Here is my helpful guide to keep you crazy kids out of the asylum. By which , i mean, you know, jail. Basically, if you're partying with many people,  try to not be the craziest person there. The numbers are against you.

4. Do - Prepare for the weekend.
Yes, prepare for the rain. Also, get clothes for partying at night on a beach. Get sun cream for tanning on a beach. Get condoms. This may all be obvious. You may already know what you need for a weekend. Just don't be that guy borrowing clothes off friends.Don't show up with a spare of underoos and that's it.

If you borrow clothes from Yoko Ono, this will happen to you. So, don't go to Mudfest with Yoko Ono, I guess?

Or money.  There are maybe five convenience stores along the whole strip. You should be fine for beer. But you would be surprised how many places don't stock the size of condom you believe you need.

Not so much 'boy band' as 'third hand'. Amirite, ladies?

Don't - Overprepare. You know that scene in Fear and loathing? The suitcase full of drugs? Well, you can't do that in Korea. Arguably, no one could do that anywhere except Hunter S. Thompson and his head is full of shotgun holes. But maybe when you are packing, you don't need an entire pack of Chocolate Philly Blunts, two bottles of whiskey, One bottle of gin, two Jagermeister's, two pack of fireworks, a set of of walkie talkies and a radio controlled blimp. Leave the walkie talkies at home. There. Much better.

He brought only the essentials.

Also, make sure the itinerary for the whole weekend is carefully mapped out. Make sure everyone has copies of the laminated itinerary. No one wants to miss out on that fifteen minutes thinking to yourself time on the beach. Your friends should thank you for having planned their mudfest for them. The hapless fools.

"Guys? Hapless fools? Great. I'm on the wrong part of the beach."

3. Do - Get into the various events.
Fancy some mud wrestling? Okay, there ya go. Off and on the beach, there are opportunities to do that. I don't know why you would do that, all i know is, I have a 1000 won on the long haired guy with the angel tats. Against anybody.

Somewhere in there, Nick Heroux is making me some money.

Wanna go on the mud slide. Okay, go queue up for hours and then fall down slowly as your butt crack get sliced by plastic. That sounds cool. Wanna go dance on the beach and get sprayed with hoses? You betcha! Because hey, what this beach really needed was some downward spraying water. Throw that beach ball about! The point is, whatever your oeuvre, go ahead and do it. Your friends may come with you. Your friends may not. Fuck them. If they aren't down with being locked in a mud prison for hours on end, they're weird.

Scum is the most accurate movie ever.

Don't - Become one with the events.
Fuck this wrestling and its rules. I'm bringing in a foreign object! Throwing in the blue trash can you're sure the police were shouting at you to use just for this purpose, you face down your opponent. "What's that for?" he asks. Ha! He knew this was going to happen since you cut that killer promo on the beach in your head five minutes ago. One winning trash can shot later, you are King of the RIng. You run out of there, freeing the prisoners from their muddy cell by kicking it over. "You're welcome!" you shout as you run on to the dancefloor. Damn, those policemen are persistent fans.

"I said, no autographs!"

You merge into the dance beach, imitating the dance moves you practiced every night from Matrix Two. Someone throws a beach ball at you. You throw it on to somewhere else. Someone cheers. You rationalize this. One small piece of plastic flung into the crowd, one small cheer. Therefore, one big piece of plastic... You see another blue trashcan and throw it high up above the crowd...... The next day, when the last of the mushrooms sunstroke leaves you, you see a man covered in bandages. You ask what happened. "Trashcan," he  mumbles. You wait a moment, then self five yourself.

Mudfest. Some things you don't walk away from.

2. Do - Enjoy the ocean
I like Boryeong Beach. Yeah, it's full of trash that could cut you, and ultimately they are going to poison the earth but you know what, they're your friends, dammit.

eh? EH? Come on, that is fried gold!

 
So i do like to have a few beers (more on that later) and go out into the shallow reaches of the water. So do a lot of other people. Let's respect each other's play time. Let's not play a game of Drown That Guy. Let's not ogle and crowd the ladies because they are wearing swimming costumes and you are both socially retarded and/or lonely.  In other words, try to act like you've been to the party before.

Also, don't be this guy.

Don't - Fight the ocean.
Or you could straight up admit you have never been to the party before. A Friend of mine, Let's Call him Backgammon Rob (Yeah, that should protect his name) had never seen the ocean before. Since he came from Canada Utah, that seemed unlikely as he would have had a night flight all the way to Korea, right? ANyways, up in person he took one look at the ocean and wanted a piece of it. He stripped to 'not scaring kids' level and ran into the water. He played. He gamboled. He...punched? Yeah, he started punching the ocean. He taunted the ocean. "Come on, Ocean, let's go!" At least, that 's what my drunken ears heard. He faced away form the ocean and stood there letting the waves pound his back again and again, shouting out and exuding manliness on a level unparalleled since St George Headbutted a dragon.. My best friend and I stood slack jawed as one man took on an ocean. And eventually lost.

"And he was all like AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH and the ocean just stood there man.....You had to be there."

1.Do - Embrace the Rain
I have been to Mudfest a lot and it rains. It rains almost all the time. Sure, you heard about how it was sunny the whole time once. Sure you did. And in America, the streets are paved with cheese.

"It was sunny, and there was a good beef galbi restaurant and the motel let us  sleep in until 5 and..."

Just accept it will rain. Don't hide in your room. Get out there. Accept you are drinking beer outside in the rain. You are dancing in the rain. Mud comes from dirt and water. rain is just making mud more available. Now you just have to bring the dirt, ladies. Avoiding rain at mudfest is like avoiding betting at Cheongdo Bull Festival, or insane claw marks at a key party with leopards. You're missing the point.

Goddamit, Mrs Jones! I said Careful!

Don't  - Embrace the rain
Look at rain across the dancefloor. Walk up to rain. Touch it. Feel it touching you. Kiss it. Kiss that rain.

Yeah, rain. that's right. Do me. Make me feel like a man.

Bring it to a slightly less crowded part of the beach and lie down with rain. Put rain on a pedestal. What I'm saying is, go down on rain. Make rain wet. Whisper in rain's ear "I want you on top." Lie down and look up at the rain, gently fucking you. Suddenly realize you are a naked man with a boner, holding imaginary buttocks  and there are screaming children.

Mister? What are you doing?