Seven Days Looking After A Rabbit

Looking After a Rabbit

Day One- Look at the Pwetty rabbit! Yeah yeah yeah. Feed, water blah blah blah. It's basically a caged baby. I know how to look after those for a limited time. Yeah see you. Okay bunny. What's your name? I wasn't paying attention. I'll call you Professor Farthingale, Lord of Cage FIghting Season Five. Ah, my girlfriend has decided to call you BunBun. I see what she did there. Okay, Go. Explore. Mi Casa e Su Casa. Yes, I learnt some Dutch on my travels. Awwwwwwwwwww. You run around so freely. Like a kid in a playground who took some Meth unknowingly. Allegedly. I still say that kid owes me some money.

It's cool. You keep that money. Don't hurt me.

Woah, not cool dude. Do not chew my wires. I said stop! I clearly vocalized my disappointment cum slash irritation. Still you persist in this copper mastication. Heh. Copper mastication would be a good name for a band.

better than Cum Slash Irritation, anyways.

Okay, I'm gonna put you back in the box.

YOU BIT ME! That, sir, is a bunny no no! Shit, where did you go?




Day Two - Oh, Under the bed. Clever girl. Or Boy. What are you? You came back to me, that's all that matters. You are so fwiendly, licking my fingers and my wrist. Aw, you're giving me a hug. Aw, that's....wait...why are you shifting gears like that. Wait, are you fucking my hand? YOU ARE! Way to live up to your stereotype. Fine, do it. OW! No biting! OW! No clawing! This is not the right way for first time love making. Firstly, you did not seduce me. No flowers, no chocolate, no Vanessa Carlton crooning.

Okay, anyone else think they called that shit a bit quick?

Secondly, you just went into Jack hammer Jack rabbit mode. This wild piston out of control is worse than Arnold P. Epstein in Biloxi Blues. . Thirdly, biting and clawing is a Craig's list kinda thing.Finally, when my girlfriend tries to join in you just bite her and run off. You cannot be jealous of my girlfriend.

Just typed in 'Craig's list, clawing, girlfriend, sex" Do not do it.

Ha. You didn't cum. Fail. Wait, that look you're giving me. Are you blaming me for your sexual inadequacies? You do, don't you? Well, I'm sorry if your lack of romance led to my lack of involvement. Woo me, Professor, woo me!

I bought you those tealights for a reason, rabbit!

Day Three - FInally, the casual part of this staycation. Snuggling with a bunny rabbit and watching a movie. ON the bed, relaxed as hell. <---- can't be a genuine phrase. Hang on, what the hell? Did you , oh Bunbun, you can't just drop a deuce on the bed. I know. I asked. Wait, that's not a deuce. That's a mountain. Have you literally been shitting here the whole way through Superbad? That's a serious critique of Cera's work if ever there was one. This was Hader's best movie ever!

It's called Acting,  people.

Hang on. Let me check under the bed. Ah. I see. That sir, is a lot of poop. Well played, rabbit.

Day Four - What is that ripping sound? What is that thumping sound? It all sound very expensive. Rabbit! Chewing the skirting board? Well, the jokes on you. That's where I keep my mold. So, enjoy that. Stop thumping your foot at me. Are you tripping balls from that mold? Well, then, that's on you. Stop staring at me like that.

Like that.

.Stop the thumping. It is quite...intimidating. I'm going out. You better clean up this mess  before I come back or worse, my girlfriend wakes up. Yeah, she stayed over. No, you leave her alone. Go trip balls  on your side of the room.


Day Six - Yeah , I took a day off...Shit! You killed her! You didn't have to kill her, man! She wasn't coming between us. What are we going to do? What are you.going to do? You did it, man! II was just hanging out at a PC Bang all day. You're the perp. Well, of course the police will see it that way. Of course they will not blame the boyfriend.

I loved her , man. They'll see you, this cute bunny and they'll think....Shit.

I'll get my shovel.

"say a word, and I'll kill you."

Five DIY Tips Living In Korea; Dos And Don'ts.

Well, look. Most of you have your own place sorted out by your employer. I mean, hell, that is part of the pleasure of working here. However, you could decide to move on to a better place. And I don't mean Heaven. When you find a place, there could be a few small problems with it. When you get those problems, there are right ways and there are wrong ways to fix them. I hope these will clarify which is which. 

This set of signs have no arrows. There is no way shown. They are doing signs the wrong way. Therefore, the wrong way sign is doing it right and the right way sign...Look, it's a bad picture.

Gaps in Windows 

DO

I know you are all ready with the weather stripping. Self adhesive, easy to use, readily available. However, if you find yourself not able to get it this might be good too. Get some double sided sticky tape. If you're British giggle at the fact you have become a Blur Peter presenter. If not English, shake head at the things English insist are funny. Get shrink film. I don't care where from. I don't know, fucking Daiso.

Somewhere in here, Hoffa is buried. Probably in one of the Heart shaped letter keepers.

Wash window and frame. Stick sticky tape to frame. Put shrink tautly over tape. Make joke about stretching it out. Use hair dryer to heat the shrink film. Shrink film shrinks, thus making people who name things happy. Now you have no draft. I'd make an NFL reference but honestly I don't know anything about that. Is the Refrigerator still a super star athlete?

What a Super Star Athlete should look like. David Beckham, take note.

DON'T
Take a tube of superglue and hammer it into a plank. Put plank over hole. If this doesn't work pour oil on it and set fire to it. Enjoy the virtual feast. Then try to do again but better. When window falls out get oil drum and place in centre of room. Fill with detritus and waste. Set fire to it. Hope this will compensate for -20 degree Siberian winds. Watch hope extinguish as flame dies. Or, watch hope set fire to entire apartment block.

Still, to be fair, I bet you can't feel that Russian wind anymore. I bet you can't feel anything.

Ripped mesh.

DO

Buy a new mesh guard. It's cheap. No? You are now officially cheaper than a Jew. Apparently you break all the boundaries, allowing insects in your room and Jews in your heart. (Obviously not in your golf course though. That's cray cray). Okay then try this. Get an old mesh guard. cut a piece out that is an inch wider than the hole (pause to say any dick joke. They're all good here). Sew it to the mesh. Make that stitch tighter than (don't attempt dick joke here. You're sowing. Read the room). When finished, have honey based sex knowing insects will go insane at how you are using their nectar.

"C'mon! that guy doesn't even have his stinger in the right place. Chicks dig the worst guys!"

DON'T

Realize it is time you face all the insects as a man but on your terms, with the clear home advantage. Cake yourself in clay. Arm yourself with knife, Doom spray, bow and flammable arrows. Rip the rest Of the mesh off the window. Turn on all the lights. Hide up in the coat rack. Prepare for war.

How Arnold kills everything is why there no animals in a 5 KM radius of his house.

Cut Linoleum

 DO

Get a pro. Look, you might think cutting a piece from somewhere else, beading some caulk and mastic will take care of it. It will not. It'll cost between 200-600 to do a whole floor. That's still less than your key money. Don't. No. Don't. Put the mastic down.

Although, this looks awesome.

DON'T.


Decide the cut looks artistic. Decide that is the next big thing. Decide that cut looks like the tooth of a JackOLantern. Cut the rest of the room to fit the tooth. Take a picture. Send to landlord. Wait for royalties. Keep cutting. Find the Ondol pipes.Climb down among them. It will be years before you return to the world of man. When you do you will be King of the Little People.

How I picture life under the ondol pipes.

Frozen Pipes

DO

This one Is easier the lower down the apartment block you are. Finally those cheap ass ground level apartments come through for the ex pat. Take off the floor filter so you have the open hole. Make a joke about your last girlfriend. Take off the the shower head an dangle the whole shower as far as it will go. Make further joke about your schlong. Turn on super hot water. Frozen pipes unfrozen. Pull shower nozzle back out. Clean shower. Have shower sex with girlfriend. Remember to put up Rocky pose when staring at yourself in the mirror.

Only, you know, romantically.

DON'T

Continue to shower ignoring the blockage. Let the dirt and soap congeal around your feet. Scrap off the resultant foot fungus and cook it for your landlord. This is your thank you meal  for your new ice rink. Brushing your teeth has never been so deadly!!! Don't tell girlfriend about ice rink. Learn how to live without physical gratification as you spoon feed her unforgiving paraplegic body. Live in regret.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Mold

DO

I swear almost everyone has a different way to deal with mold. Some like Cillit Bang. Some like diluted Bleach. Don't scrub. Just spray and pray like Cheney in a forest. Look at that guy. He's cleaning Mold from 200 yards away. And he's doing under budget.







Some like onions in tin foil. The onion absorbs all the mold spores, like that kid from super troopers. Then carefully wrap the foil around it and move it out. Or throw it at someone. Just keep it aired and keep an eye on it.Because that thing will pop and you will be fucked.






DON'T
Invest in black lights, a baseball bat and a flamethrower. Beat the mold patch furiously. Yell at it taunting it. Turn off normal lights and turn on black lights. At this point learn whether mold glows on a black light. Do not use Internet, it's more exciting this way. If it does glow, turn on flame thrower and incinerate beautiful floating glowing orbs. If it doesn't burn everything.

House Cleaning. Fuck it, it feels right.

The other 1,344,130,000 reasons North Korea is doing nothing

So a couple blogs back, I had a cheerleading moment, espousing the might of the U.S. military and the need for the Northern army to eat. While it was well and good to base all ny 'Pfffft'ing at North Korea on America's ability to Drone them back to the Joseon, I was actually missing a key ingredient.

"Is the key ingredient 'meat'? Seriously, I'm hungry, dude"

While America has been busy having lots of war and getting all the glory (classic Independence Day schtick), North Korea has been playing the rhetoric raise game and winning.  Any time they need something from the West (and South ) they got it. However, they don't get everything from us.

"I got what I needed." I hate you Freshman representing North Korea. HATE YOU! You broke my heart.

The current Chinese leadership have connections with the North. The new Premier of China was working high up in the communist rankings on the border with North Korea .One of the seven in the Poliburo Standing Committee speaks fluent Korean and studied Economics at Pyongyang's Kim Il SUng University.

I was going to make a joke about it being a party college, then found the only pics are of the swimming pool. Holy Shit, Kim Il Sung U is COMPLETELY A PARTY COLLEGE!

Speaking of foreign exchanges, and No, I don't mean a swirling rim job sixtynine with an old Belgian woman by the name of Michelle, I don't know why you would say that, look at the numbers of Chinese people now living in Korea. My friend Rob ( he's cool) said on my Facebook wall that all the Chinese generals and Politburo members send their kids to Korean Universities. Therefore, North Korea would never bomb the south That's not true, though.

 

This is Michelle. Ooh La La

Just over 500,000 Chinese live in South Korea. That is a literal drop in the ocean of China's popularity. population. Also, those Chinese living in South Korea have not been treated so well. They are viewed with suspicion and hostility. Meanwhile all the uber rich and powerful Chinese offspring are in America getting degrees in Harvard.

Like a Boss's Daughter.

All this means China is close to Korea. Chairman Mao described the relationship 'as close as teeth and lips." In 2008, China supplied about 90% of North Korea's oil, 80% of its consumer goods and 45% of its food. Beijing was Pyongyang's only formal military ally and its primary backer in the United Nations Security Council and other diplomatic forums. If it  had not been for the policies set down by Hu Jin Tao from the early 2000s (and the acceptance of that by George Bush), there would be no North Korean missile program and no North Korean nuclear program. 

"George Bush LOVES nukes! Kanye, you're just being mean now!"

Really? Another Katrina Meme? Haven't those people suffered enough?

Fast forward to now. Kim Jong Eun, Or Fatty the Third as Chinese Social Media trolls call him, is held to be responsible for destroying what remains of the relationship.


"The favorable opinion of the Chinese public toward Pyongyang is fading," the Communist Party-affiliated newspaper Global Times cautiously wrote in an editorial Wednesday. It warned that North Korea's "latest provocation is further damaging its reputation and exhausting its future ability to use deterrence strategies."  (LA Times)

"To many in Beijing, North Korea is looking less like a strategic asset and more like a strategic burden," said Cheng Xiaohe, associate professor at Renmin University's School of International Studies.(NBC News)

Look at it, Kim Il Sung University of Pyongyang. LOOK AT IT. It's called a library.

So again, don't worry about it.

Because when China does this,

North Korea will do this,

Sick In Korea? HAHAHAHAHA!

So here is an interesting thing that happened to me a couple of years ago. After I went to my second ever TKD class in Daegu I came home with a slight twinge in my side. Well, I say a slight twinge. I mean like someone used a dull garden hoe to hack my stomach muscle to one side. I woke up and stumbled over to the other side of the room. My girlfriend who has fears relating to my nocturnal habits makes it clear I should not urinate on that site of the bedroom.

"David! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

When I make it clear I am holding my side and not something else she is of course empathetic to the situation and we make plans to see a doctor. Remember, I'm a nightwalker so I woke up at midday thinking that was bloody early. Of course with no doctor working 12-2 I found myself forced to go to work at 2. The nest twelve hours were agony. Walking from class to class, standing up through each class, my stomach was worse and worse. So 12 hours later with 12 hours of ever increasing pain I finally check into Kyoungpook University Emergency Hospital. The staff were friendly, helpful and I was diagnosed and medicated and made a slightly poorer man within three hours. I am not going totell you what I had. It was a thing goshdarnit and I was not happy. Yes, I am a tease.


Today's column is not about the hospital trip, although the man next to me clearly planned the hospital equivalent of the Dine and Dash and his attempt to remove his own IV and run out holding onto the blood coming out of his arm is a fun story.

"As you as you turn your back, I'm outta here."
"No, no you're not."
"I'll cut you."
"No, no you won't."

No; the crux of my story is this.The next day I wanted to take off. I was on medication, my side still hurt and I had not had enough sleep what with being in hospital all night. But this is Korea and short of having a government issued pandemic warning slapped on my bottom, I was going to have to go to work. Some of you don't have this problem because you work for such glorious institutes who have floater teachers and can cover you if you do fall ill. Readers, you can spot these people by their smug expressions whilst reading this column. If you can, give them a slap from me and try to convey in the connection just how jealous you are. Because you know you are. I know I am.

That's my hagwan, checking out Moon Khang's floaters.

When you phone up a hagwan and you declare yourself to be ill, of course they have the right to be suspicious. After all, we foreigners are well known as lazy drinking oafs who will take a sick day due to hangover at the drop of a hat. Did the dripping sarcasm make it through the type font? Of course they would want us to go to the doctor if we are sick. How do we know if we're throwing up feeling feverish or cannot stand up without collapsing? Again, not from alcohol poisoning but from genuine sickness. Again with the dripping sarcasm.

"Yes, that is the appropriate amount of sarcasm, Glaven."

Well back to my story. I had a doctor's note and I phoned my boss and told him I was taking the day off. He agreed after a stonewalling I am still proud of years later. He said he would come over that night to check on me. I assume this is because I may have been needing some help and not because he had a doctor's qualification. I mean, if he did,  he would be able to see if I was lying to him. The next day I came into work. All my Korean co-teachers were glad to see me. They expressed amazement  I came into work. They were delightful. My boss comes in and says literally; "Don't do that again." Do what? Get sick? Rip my abdominal muscle? Did he believe I did it on purpose? Why would I do that? It was a disappointing experience but at least I know if my boss is ever sick from Ebola, he did it just to spite me and because he doesn't care about kids.

"Kanye, George Bush is completely NEUTRAL to children. You just can't say that!"

A quick moment here. Let's check your contract rules. EFL Law suggest that 3 sick days be written in to your contract. If it is not in your contract your life is difficult. If you DO have that written in, look at the number of employees. If you got less than ten workers in your school, again a lot of the laws governing labor in this country go out the window.  So, let's start with you working at a larger hagwan and and you have Sick Leave written in your contract.  Your school is probably not going to just let you have a sick day. They will harangue you. They will hound you. They will in a word bully you.

But, you know, less subtly than this.

Look, in Korea they have the work ethic of showing up to work sneezing all over the place and making everyone else sick as well. If you don't have blood coming out of you at a vast rate, they don't care. If everyone else gets sick as well, they don't care. If all the kids get sick as a result, they don't care. By they, I mean the bad TEFL bosses. Not the evil ones, just the short term thinking pompous asses.

Less this.                    More this.

So you're going to have to work sick sometimes. I suggest the following. If you are genuinely sick, if you genuinely cannot move, if you genuinely believe you need the time off work, if you can get a doctor to agree with you, then go right ahead. Just know you are going to face an uphill battle.

What happens when you take time off for being sick. In Hell .

Let's finish the story. I was treated badly by that hagwan. I went to a new hagwan. When I was sick at that place, they said I should see a doctor and take the day off work. No worries no hassle. They just made me make up the hours anther day..Which, you know what? Fair enough. It could have been a lot, lot worse.

Chest Beating Gets Reactions

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are all going to die! North Korea! AAAAHHH...Hmmm. Wait a second........



In recent weeks, the whole world has watched with bated breathe as North Korea has upped the ante.In March 2013, North Korea announced that it was scrapping all non-aggression pacts with South Korea, along with other escalations such as closing the border and closing the direct phone line between the two Koreas^. North Korea stated that it had the right to make a preemptive nuclear attack^. Following American B52 fly overs, North Korean state media announced that it was readying rockets to be on standby to attack U.S. targets.

I may have misheard. Sexily.

The non North Korean response was like a schoolyard full of big kids suddenly seeing the mullet kid with a samurai sword. It was mostly a mixture of 'Holy shit, we are all going to die!" with just a soupcon of  "Seriously? Can we just murder this fool and get back to Cops and Robbers?" For example, Russia has made it clear everyone should calm the hell down, while reminding North Korea isolationism does it no favors.

For most long time Ex Pats, this latest act of chest beating is eye rollingly embarrassing. We have relations back home who skype and mail us. They say things like, " Oh my goodness, You're all going to die!" Then we reply "Sigh. North Korea is just joking, Mum." The fact is, the North has announced that it will no longer abide by the armistice at least 6 times, in the years 1994, 1996, 2003, 2006, 2009, and 2013. That's standing up, going to the window and shouting as loudly as you can "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"               Then you continue to take it. Six times.

"I have no follow through!"

North Korea has one of the largest armies in the world, a power crazed egomaniac for a ruler who has a point to prove and a recent assassination attempt to shake off. Why the hell aren't we scared? Check here to see North Korea has over a million ground troops and all their funky toys for boys 150 KM above the DMZ. Check here to look over North Korea's history of misinformation with regard to its Nuclear weapon development. According to that second link, they probably have one or two nuclear missiles that would work on the peninsula.

"Seriously, Will, shave that off and we'll make you the biggest star in Hollywood."

So, shit. This whole time, while we have been laughing at ineffectual North Korea, they have apparently been getting ready to blow the crap out of the ROK. I am STILL not worried.I am not saying there have not been acts of aggression by the Northern Armed Forces.The Cheonan was sunk in 2010 and 46 South Koreans died. In 2009 , a number of North Koreans died. In 1999 30 North Koreans were killed in another skirmish.
 So let's say in the last 14 years less than 200 people have died as a result of North-South Fighting. That's terrible for those families but as a comparison, well it's nowhere on the List of wars and anthropogenic disasters by death toll.  BTdubs,China has five of the top ten on that list.

Not so much with the delivery. All about the taking out.

 Let's now add in the high levels of starvation in the North. Within their own borders, famine, concentration camps and purges have led to over 1.2 million deaths from 1993 to 2008. So, from the time most of you started High school to before you came to South Korea , the equivalent of one out of two people in Daegu died in North Korea at the hands of the North Korean government. If the Northern Infantry ever made it over the DMZ, they would stop at the first McDonald's and eat it. We should be more worried we run out of food than bullets. 

The best way to deal with the Northern Army

Assuming the ground forces ever get past the American forces. That is, the largest army in the whole world with the latest weapons, training and all around Roman Empire. I saw a thing for this. Wait, where did  I put it?

.Oh yeah, I remember now. So, look if you want to freak out about North Korea invading, go do that. There are too many other things for me to worry about. Meanwhile,

LOOK AT THE PUPPY!