Last time I went in there, it was pretty scary. Damn shark came at me. Big shark. Shark had teeth. Luckily I had seen Tomb Raider 2, so I knew how to be sexy enough for it to think I was Jon Voight's daughter. After that, I relied on its good filmic knowledge to recognize a Hollywood legacy. The shark had seen The Karate Dog. Revenge was all it wanted.
To be fair the last good film Voight was involved with was Holes and that was ten years ago and how old do you feel?
Seriously, everyone does it.
I waited all night for you to pick me up.
It opened its massive jaws. I grabbed the top mandible forgetting about physics,particularly the one about how sharks going forward and moving forces things through its mouth. As my body was dragged into the gaping maw my feet found purchase on its infinite rows of serrated teeth. My corns thanked me sarcastically. Pushing off with feet belonging on a Die Hard set I lifted myself out as the jaws came down and we broke the surface. I could hear screaming. It had too much bass to be my own I reasoned so I must still be in the game. I looped over the nose of the behemoth and rode it like like a monkey on a broomstick. I could see it was taking me to shore. That was its first mistake. Shore meant land and land sharks were not a thing. I laughed at it.
"You stupid shark, I will crush you," I thought, as the remains of my urine soaked its right eye.
We both hit the beach at the same time and suddenly I was a flying eagle. Then, just as suddenly, I was a retarded turtle wedged into the sand. The shark bounced up the beach. My brain went into committee mode, arguing the philosophical ramifications of this.
"Did you see that?"
"Did you know it could do that?"
"That's not even a thing!"
"It's a thing! It's a thing happening right now!"
"Listen, I studied at some if the finest universities in the world-"
"Ooooh, you big liar, you...hang on, It's about to land on you."
Like this. Only on a beach.
The thought was right. About me not studying and about the shark. I rolled over, partly to survive and partly to show what the shark was missing out on. I do have some lovely man meat. I'm fat, is what I'm saying. The shark landed on the sand and fixed its one good eye on me balefully. The other eye had gone the way of Ammonia. G-d bless nitrogenous waste products and the micturative process. Hmmmm, maybe I did study a little.
"My eye! Why?"
"Because, shark, you are a shark."
I stared down the shark. It was not impressed. It bounced again, another twenty foot front drop that BAGA trampolinists could only dream of. I scrambled to my feet and waited for its fall. I had one shot. I prepared my deadly Muay Thai kick. The one move I ever did right at Fight club. A monstrous affair, combining science and joy with generous seasonings of rage and frustration.
"This is for my prom, Andrew Fletcher" I whispered.
As the shark came down I brought my leg perfectly into its eye and kicked through the animal's skull. The animal spun backwards and fell, never to rise again.
So, apparently, it's really easy to confuse a land shark with a helpful dolphin. Also, I've been banned from going in the ocean ever again.
THE END
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