5 Do's and Don'ts at Mudfest

Mudfest is considered by some the highlight of their Korean social calendar. Others think it is a frat party in the rain for people who never got enough in college. I think they should all shut up and recognize why it can be be both.  That said, sometimes the Festival of Mud can sometimes get a bit out of control. Here is my helpful guide to keep you crazy kids out of the asylum. By which , i mean, you know, jail. Basically, if you're partying with many people,  try to not be the craziest person there. The numbers are against you.

4. Do - Prepare for the weekend.
Yes, prepare for the rain. Also, get clothes for partying at night on a beach. Get sun cream for tanning on a beach. Get condoms. This may all be obvious. You may already know what you need for a weekend. Just don't be that guy borrowing clothes off friends.Don't show up with a spare of underoos and that's it.

If you borrow clothes from Yoko Ono, this will happen to you. So, don't go to Mudfest with Yoko Ono, I guess?

Or money.  There are maybe five convenience stores along the whole strip. You should be fine for beer. But you would be surprised how many places don't stock the size of condom you believe you need.

Not so much 'boy band' as 'third hand'. Amirite, ladies?

Don't - Overprepare. You know that scene in Fear and loathing? The suitcase full of drugs? Well, you can't do that in Korea. Arguably, no one could do that anywhere except Hunter S. Thompson and his head is full of shotgun holes. But maybe when you are packing, you don't need an entire pack of Chocolate Philly Blunts, two bottles of whiskey, One bottle of gin, two Jagermeister's, two pack of fireworks, a set of of walkie talkies and a radio controlled blimp. Leave the walkie talkies at home. There. Much better.

He brought only the essentials.

Also, make sure the itinerary for the whole weekend is carefully mapped out. Make sure everyone has copies of the laminated itinerary. No one wants to miss out on that fifteen minutes thinking to yourself time on the beach. Your friends should thank you for having planned their mudfest for them. The hapless fools.

"Guys? Hapless fools? Great. I'm on the wrong part of the beach."

3. Do - Get into the various events.
Fancy some mud wrestling? Okay, there ya go. Off and on the beach, there are opportunities to do that. I don't know why you would do that, all i know is, I have a 1000 won on the long haired guy with the angel tats. Against anybody.

Somewhere in there, Nick Heroux is making me some money.

Wanna go on the mud slide. Okay, go queue up for hours and then fall down slowly as your butt crack get sliced by plastic. That sounds cool. Wanna go dance on the beach and get sprayed with hoses? You betcha! Because hey, what this beach really needed was some downward spraying water. Throw that beach ball about! The point is, whatever your oeuvre, go ahead and do it. Your friends may come with you. Your friends may not. Fuck them. If they aren't down with being locked in a mud prison for hours on end, they're weird.

Scum is the most accurate movie ever.

Don't - Become one with the events.
Fuck this wrestling and its rules. I'm bringing in a foreign object! Throwing in the blue trash can you're sure the police were shouting at you to use just for this purpose, you face down your opponent. "What's that for?" he asks. Ha! He knew this was going to happen since you cut that killer promo on the beach in your head five minutes ago. One winning trash can shot later, you are King of the RIng. You run out of there, freeing the prisoners from their muddy cell by kicking it over. "You're welcome!" you shout as you run on to the dancefloor. Damn, those policemen are persistent fans.

"I said, no autographs!"

You merge into the dance beach, imitating the dance moves you practiced every night from Matrix Two. Someone throws a beach ball at you. You throw it on to somewhere else. Someone cheers. You rationalize this. One small piece of plastic flung into the crowd, one small cheer. Therefore, one big piece of plastic... You see another blue trashcan and throw it high up above the crowd...... The next day, when the last of the mushrooms sunstroke leaves you, you see a man covered in bandages. You ask what happened. "Trashcan," he  mumbles. You wait a moment, then self five yourself.

Mudfest. Some things you don't walk away from.

2. Do - Enjoy the ocean
I like Boryeong Beach. Yeah, it's full of trash that could cut you, and ultimately they are going to poison the earth but you know what, they're your friends, dammit.

eh? EH? Come on, that is fried gold!

 
So i do like to have a few beers (more on that later) and go out into the shallow reaches of the water. So do a lot of other people. Let's respect each other's play time. Let's not play a game of Drown That Guy. Let's not ogle and crowd the ladies because they are wearing swimming costumes and you are both socially retarded and/or lonely.  In other words, try to act like you've been to the party before.

Also, don't be this guy.

Don't - Fight the ocean.
Or you could straight up admit you have never been to the party before. A Friend of mine, Let's Call him Backgammon Rob (Yeah, that should protect his name) had never seen the ocean before. Since he came from Canada Utah, that seemed unlikely as he would have had a night flight all the way to Korea, right? ANyways, up in person he took one look at the ocean and wanted a piece of it. He stripped to 'not scaring kids' level and ran into the water. He played. He gamboled. He...punched? Yeah, he started punching the ocean. He taunted the ocean. "Come on, Ocean, let's go!" At least, that 's what my drunken ears heard. He faced away form the ocean and stood there letting the waves pound his back again and again, shouting out and exuding manliness on a level unparalleled since St George Headbutted a dragon.. My best friend and I stood slack jawed as one man took on an ocean. And eventually lost.

"And he was all like AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH and the ocean just stood there man.....You had to be there."

1.Do - Embrace the Rain
I have been to Mudfest a lot and it rains. It rains almost all the time. Sure, you heard about how it was sunny the whole time once. Sure you did. And in America, the streets are paved with cheese.

"It was sunny, and there was a good beef galbi restaurant and the motel let us  sleep in until 5 and..."

Just accept it will rain. Don't hide in your room. Get out there. Accept you are drinking beer outside in the rain. You are dancing in the rain. Mud comes from dirt and water. rain is just making mud more available. Now you just have to bring the dirt, ladies. Avoiding rain at mudfest is like avoiding betting at Cheongdo Bull Festival, or insane claw marks at a key party with leopards. You're missing the point.

Goddamit, Mrs Jones! I said Careful!

Don't  - Embrace the rain
Look at rain across the dancefloor. Walk up to rain. Touch it. Feel it touching you. Kiss it. Kiss that rain.

Yeah, rain. that's right. Do me. Make me feel like a man.

Bring it to a slightly less crowded part of the beach and lie down with rain. Put rain on a pedestal. What I'm saying is, go down on rain. Make rain wet. Whisper in rain's ear "I want you on top." Lie down and look up at the rain, gently fucking you. Suddenly realize you are a naked man with a boner, holding imaginary buttocks  and there are screaming children.

Mister? What are you doing?