Do's and Dont's of Eating with your Korean boss

Oh my days, the after work dinner has to be the worst experience ever. No, I'm not talking about you teachers who are besties with your boss. I'm not talking about your line manager who is Canadian or whatever. I'm talking that dreadful time, being forced to celebrate with your boss that no one got murderdeathkilled during your stupid summer/winter/random/fuck you program.

Watch it again and again. That monotony and sense of pervasive death. This is Summer Camp.

Whatever. You tried literally throwing up a lung to avoid this shindig of hell but to no avail. You're in. Now you're in a political minefield. It can go two ways. You can carefully negotiate your way across this tricky expanse, sighing and sweating the while way through. Or you can take it at a dead run, arms up like a Muppet, laughing insanely and letting the chips where they may.

The Right Way.

The Wrong Way.

 
1. Sitting down.
Do - Stand around until your boss tells you where to sit. Be happy wherever he chooses to place you. Next to the boss? Touching you in new places?  He must love you. As far from him as possible? Possibly behind a pillar? He must respect your privacy. By the door? He must not want you to overheat.In winter.

"This is my seat? Thanks Boss, You're really thinking ahead."

Don't. - Getting the party started right is essential so I say sit down right next to your boss, on his shiny ass suit if possible. Hold him close. Whisper that this is going to be a magical night neither one of you will forget. Look him in the eyes to make sure he understands. He gulps. He understands.

These guys know what I'm talking about.

2. Drinking - do not drink unless drunken to. That was the rule at my Uncle George's house and it's a good rule in Korea. Don't make a Toast. Don't drink by yourself. Don't you dare. When your boss makes a toast, wait for him to finish. You will be like a living statue on a beach promenade. When everyone else drinks, look away and drink. Use your other hand to hide your drink from your boss. This camouflage is perfect; he'll never know.

Better hidden than Wahlberg in Sniper. Better plot as well.

Don't - Order more drinks. I mean, this is a staff do, right? That whiskey ain't gonna drink itself say up there on that dusty shelf. You deserve a few shots. Plus, the school has an unlimited tab. Challenge your boss to chugging beer. Laugh when you finish and they don't. Laugh when they politely decline. When your boss makes his speech have prepared zingers in Korean to help him out. Jokes about his wife, children or mother? Perfect.

Wrong. All wrong. There's no Korean flag.

3. Pouring a new drink
Do - keep an eye on your party. If your boss has an empty glass, pick up the bottle with one hand and grip your arm with the other. Pour when he lifts his glass up. Stop when he gives the minuscule upward motion with his glass, indicating his preferred level. Put the bottle down. He is going to fill your glass up. Hold it with two hands. When you are satisfied lift it softly up. Drink if he drinks. Otherwise sit back and wonder what you would look like in a Geisha costume. I think you'd look good. 

Damn Good.

Don't. - motherf*ckers ain't s*it. These glasses are too small y'all.

That's why you brought along your baby from home. You called it The Hobbit. It's a 2000cc pint glass. That might not make sense to your boss or coworkers but they should just shut their pie holes. Beer is good. Start to insist on rubbing your boss's belly, you know, for luck.

Better luck than this guy ten seconds after the picture was taken.

 Every time you do it, you should whisper in his ear "we should have a baby". Giggle and burp. Copiously.


Ordering food
Do - depending on your Hagwon and your boss, you could have a traditional galbi, or fried chicken, or fancy stuff. Like Seahouse. Whatever happens, accept the food in your plate. You don't have to eat it all. I mean, maybe you don't need that re-sign contract after all. Get your head out of your arse and back in the game! Actually sometimes, the food will leave you. True story, one time at a fancy restaurant we got this tubeworm. Already a terrible story, I know but wait, there's more. The chef cut this thing up in front if us like a Starship Troopers science lesson and place a still moving section on all of our plates.

Me and two other teachers did not want to eat what look like penis shaft so we left it on our plates. Then it totally T1000 the hell off our plates. they started heading towards each other. Luckily our boss saw them and chopsticks one by one in his mouth until his mouth was full of sliced cock worm. I told you it got worse.

Don't - Throw a hissy fit over the food choices.

The food can always stand to be improved by ordering McDonald's. and you just know the most expensive thing on the menu will be über awesome. If you get something squiddy, I say you OldBoy the shit out of it and one shot it like a boss.. Bonus points if you dangle it out of your mouth and gargle. Double points if anyone recognizes your impersonation of Cthulu. Whatever you do, do not forget to do the chopsticks as walrus thing. That shit kills.

Frickin' Comedic Gold

The bill
Do - shut up and hope this suckfest is done. Your boss should pay for everything. If they don't call the Labor Board I guess? Smile brightly and thank your boss profusely for making you eat with him.Wave goodbye to everyone awkwardly and walk away without looking back. You are going to be able to not be a part of the after party.

Don't - Everyone knows Boss Man is gonna pay. Especially since you have said that exact sentence to every person in the bar in a perfect Macho Man Randy Savage way. However, to spice things up you insist on snatching the bill out of his hands and demanding everyone cough an equal amount of money. Go on about how in YOUR country there is such a thing as Going Dutch and that doesn't mean wearing clogs.

Or A Dutch Going.

This speech is important. People should value your country's heritage and this is the perfect forum to start that moment off right. Stand on the table and say the speech loudly. Gesticulate like a movie football coach in a locker room at halftime. If you can nudge a half filled beer mug into that guy-you-don't-like's lap, awesome sauce. Only when people start to pull out their wallets do you grin and tell them it was a joke. Now they understand your country's humour. You're helping. Try to pick your boss's pocket. That look on his face when he goes to pay? Literally worth all the money in his various credit cards.LET'S NORAE BANG , BITCHES!

 If this is you, you're on the internet as a noraebang search. You're welcome.

The Day After
Do - Make no reference to it. Pretend it never happened. Act as if refreshed and glad to be working for a man who is soooo fucking generous.

Don't - sleep it off at work wearing the same clothes from the night before. Did these guys not listen to your tabletop speech last night about cultural heritage? You Rudy-ied the shit out of that thing. Wear sunglasses in the office. Ask to go home early.  Set the trash can on fire. Walk out one hand held high. Breakfast Club Credits, Judd Nelson moment. You're welcome, world.